“One last question to satisfy my idle curiosity. What has been going on in your mind during all the years when we listened to music together, read the Crito, and spoke together—or was it only I who spoke—good Lord, I can’t remember—of goodness and truth and beauty and nobility?”
Testimonials
That party on your private yacht was amazing. Hit me up again sometime!
You were so clutch in that third seed round. Speaking of which, I want to run something by you...
Sometimes I wish I could be as arrogant as you.
Look, once you're done solving world hunger I was thinking we could go to Svalbard.
I can't keep up with all the super model girlfriends. Is this your fourteenth one?
Thanks for teaching me how to skin corpses. Now everyone loves me.
I can't imagine life without you.
Please return my calls?
is it really that surprising you'll die alone?
Can you please delete this website already? It's depressing.
I genuinely don't know what you're trying to accomplish here.
Every time I read your posts, I feel worse.
You really think you're a wise guy, huh?
I wish I never met you.
Jesus dude -- for once in your life, do something.
Why am I surprised you're acting like this?
That's cool, I guess.
Do you even believe in anything?
You really are a bitter one, aren't you?
Still can't believe you outbid that Saudi prince.
Everyone at the retreat is still talking about your uncomfortable 3-hour monologue on meaninglessness.
Stop pretending you're mysterious. You're just tired and evasive.
I can never tell when you're actually being sincere. Your compliments feel like insults.
Do you rehearse being this insufferable or does it come naturally?
Honestly, I kind of respect the delusion.
You know you're not actually the main character, right?
When you die I look forward to shitting all over your gravestone.
What are you even trying to say? What are all of these words? It's like a mental asylum.
So goddamn sick and tired of this... soulcrushing energy you emit.
Congratulations. You've accomplished nothing. How many more years will you waste?
楽しかった (´･ω･`)
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Cleaning Up
A good bit of the posts on this site don't "jive" anymore. So I was wondering what to do with them. The question to ask, then, is what's the site's objective, or my own whims. Does it matter that I don't think half ...
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Worldly Original Sin
There's an embedded trace of cruelty in every action we take, is something worth considering. All inexplicably tied together; the unlatched locket showing a happy family in a dead soldier's hand. The other soldier returns home, and his children make ...
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A Neu-Quietist's OS exploration
Hello friends. For a moment I entertained an idea of switching computers. In that moment I wondered if, from here on out, I could be a tech blogger too. Through each trinket bought. But we all know tech bloggers are now vloggers, beyond ...
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Mental Landscapes
After enough reading sometimes you'll visit landscapes pinned to the author. It's found between the acrylic distances, as best put. By words used, and how it shaves shellings into the sandbox we're sharing. The way you can place "God" close to ...
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Hedgehog's Sanctuary
Everyone knows "The Hedgehog's Dilemma" popularized through _Neon Genesis Evangelion_. Hard to recall if there's a specific dialogue reference or it's merely a title of an episode. But you get the gist: a certain distance between hedgehogs is best for surviving ...
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Contamination
I've added a filter for the book reviews I've posted thus far. And though I've read more in-between, none of the reads felt elevated enough to write about. If they did, it's a wordless reflection. A convenient euphemism? I had nothing to ...
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On Christmas
If you're having a good Christmas, there's no point reading this. I'd advise against it! Anyway, I've read some pretty strange theories on where Christmas comes from. And though I won't confirm nor deny, I do still think about them whenever ...
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Weakness
There's an unsaid tiredness to accommodating weakness. To obscure the truth in order to keep working with one another. Walking on eggshells. Anything that disturbs me only reveals my misgivings: if one cannot accept reality ahead, they must update their model, and sometimes ...
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Dear Eve
When I first read of you, ample lines between, who wouldn't wonder, fully embracing the Christian ontology, you our ultimate mother, whether you love your creation. Our original mother. A universal tree. I see you shouldered against the lone trunk, staring ...
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Cruel Beauty; Pandora's Chimera
Driving down the coast, laying along the rental, well, one's shorelines start to curl by each horizon. With a curvature rising, same as a plucked tablecloth for the ant you could be, so one stares up to make sense of ...
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Concilium Rattorum
We live in "rat utopias". You've probably come across the experiment before. For those not so aware, a bunch of rats are thrown into a large enough enclosed metal space with unlimited food and water. Let enough time pass and all ...
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Unmedicated
It is quite entertaining to think about how half of the population, or maybe even three-fourths... it could even be up to ninety percent, frankly, but however chopped up and divided our majority comes medicated. Oh heavens to the few that ...
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Entertaining Abasement
Ever wonder about how much more we can fall? I always loved the reversal of history among those who dig a bit deeper. That the ancients were the revered and learned; we're the devolving and broken. Those renowned men in Genesis lost to ...
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Musical Prophecy
Recently I stumbled on a song I used to listen to all the time. Now clicking through a bit of the album as well. Combined with another song, from another band, before the next takeoff. Almost 13 years later listening to the ...
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Intentions
Listened to a rant about materialism, worship of money, that time is the most valuable resource, and, ahem, _freedom_ of course. I couldn't avoid it, as with everything I overhear. Sitting right next to me on the phone, out of ...
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Sacred
Roaming Taiwanese society makes one pause and wonder what it'd mean if you, instead, grew up here. For whatever reason a more inviting thought than Japanese. Maybe the sterility of Tokyo sealed off the thought. Though what would it mean to ...
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Chalk
In preschool we played an unwritten game. Theoretically the rules could change at any time, but they never did. They were never discussed. When the game first began it commenced with two players. Myself and a friend. The game was simple: ...
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Before The Lights Go Out
It is extremely likely this version of the Internet will not survive. Don't you find that romantic? When the world plunges into chaos, whether due to an unforeseen geological event (plenty waiting) or something far more dramatic for the sci-fi dreaming, everything ...
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Difficult to Love
In our playpin daytime of dating, friendships and other nonsense, I was wondering about why it's so easy to get together and leave a year or two after. Other than going against many fundamentals of family formation, friendship purposing, perhaps ...
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Language: 5,000 Year Failed Experiment
> There is something which we must be firmly on our guard against, Phaedo. —What? —That we do not become hostile to the word, like someone else becomes a misanthropist. No greater misfortune can befall man. > And both originate ...
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Destiny
My son pressed the revolver between my eyes. With the ice of the barrel my shoulders relaxed. Finally, finally -- it looks like everything was a success. This is merely a handoff. You understand, don't you? Because though there's an inclination to ...
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The Life Dreamt Of
What, exactly, would be a better life than this? You could pull out all the appeals and insist there's something better than this. You could. I'm sure you would. But do you yourself believe it? We could suppose there may be a belief... ...
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narratives
Hello friends. I don't have a grand ideal nor story today. Frankly I'm quite comfortable with the death of all narratives, aren't you? You could pick up... let's grab the Kindle™... _The Crisis Of Narration_ and flip through the first couple ...
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Frost's Embrace
Sometimes I like to think there are glaciers inside each body. Depending on your Kelvin scale it can be nearing subatomic still, and as you push each nanoscopic bead so unveils a center with a frail silhouette beating. A cryogenic chamber, of ...
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A World Abandoned
The other day I was roaming Kyoto as a punctual and unoriginal tourist _ought_ to do, to _check_ off another list handed down to me from... from I'm not sure who. Out of the station and into the fray so, half ...
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You're Young, Dear Contramist!
You are not cast in bronze! Just a few more steps and we'll see the rest of the island from here. And as the waves lap the shore, no, we haven't aged at all, have we? I mean, I at least picked up ...
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Metropolis
The purpose of a system is what it does. And while I flew over to the other side of the world so I had to share an aisle with two women. Best of friends. They talked most of the flight, and ...
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A Secret Near Tokyo
The core idea behind Buddhism, in my interpretation, is that everything you attribute outside of yourself as essential for your happiness is your brain making fun of you. At least that's how I like to write it, how to define it. Not ...
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I'm here
This year is almost over, and while I am making "something" of it by going abroad, I wonder what exactly happened. Where was I? Fragments of a past and maybe it all split in a way you can't put it ...
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Aquatic Love Song
It was only a few bucks for entry, and though I never pre-emptively check ticket prices I'm always a little relieved when it sits snugly along the purchase of a Snickers, Cheez-Its -- these small walks and visits are my ...
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To Give Advice
Another day and before sleep so I surf the YouTube main page for a few minutes. A popular concept video is "giving advice to [insert age group]" and it dawned on me that I am old enough to be the one ...
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Alleys
The other night I roamed the bar alley most popular for this city. There were remnants of Halloween still in play, and little drunkenness at least, though perhaps my arrival was too early. I don't drink alcohol for a variety of reasons, ...
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Library Reach
I recently had the pleasure to roam a bookstore. Quite well polished, cosmopolitan even, with many gadgets one could snatch and suggest they're the cultivated type. A cafe down the hall. As I sauntered down each aisle, with each patron silently enthralled ...
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It's Not Over
The heart monitor is still working. Breath a little steadier. Here's a book of photos, surely you remember, don't you? We have a story left to tell. But it's okay if you want to lay here, a bit; just not so limply. We have many ...
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Dead Inside
Sometimes when I'm along in small talk I am waiting for someone to demean me. I wait for them to get angry that my reactions aren't the best they can be. Interest isn't enough and the laugh seems a little off. Eyes ...
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Corrupted
A few years ago I wrote an entry about rejecting rationality. The motivation was how thoughts dressed as "reasonable" are often deadening, and it's not as though I'm denying reality outright. Or at least what reality seems to present. Still, "Rationality" then drapes ...
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Borrowed Breath
Everything we own is borrowed. No one can take anything with them beyond the grave. Everyday this world gifts another breath; when you are borrowing everything, you could sometimes find the time to be grateful. Lately I've been forcing myself to smile. To make ...
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Bloom Day
"Don't you get it? Don't you? You can't be bothered to learn two platforms if you're deploying a mobile app." I squeezed my rubber ducky with frustration. "But don't you think it'll avoid issues in the long run?" My classmate shook his head. "You ...
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A Supposedly Fun Thing To Force In
Hello friends. I have decided to go on some international travels. For the past five years I've only roamed my mind mostly. And though the apartments change and sometimes the distinctive qualities between American regions give pause so the days carry ...
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Freedom Is Outdated
As the American of course Freedom is (or was?) essential. An ideal, in centuries past, one would die for. Perhaps this explains the pit in my stomach half the time, but I think what I'll deem as the "classical" interpretation of ...
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Men Of Renown
> And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have ...
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Virtual Genocide; Our Graveyard
I've been playing some TF2 recently. About an hour when I can, but after awhile my mind gets all foggy. I visited all the maps I knew by heart when it released. The game was released on October 10th, 2007. The ...
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Love's Quandary
A few years ago I decided to not be human anymore. Of course, one could scoff. As if you could ever do that. But of all my interactions I always sense that vague desperation whether in me or across the aisle: this ...
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Mr. Alchemist
I don't know why I write so much. But if I had to guess it's because I got tired of suffering in silence. If I'm going to suffer, well, I'm not going to share it, but I can at least ...
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Sadboy Psyop
I must've listened to _Feel The Illinoise!_ a thousand times. And while I fan through the hits of the 2000s and putter about, so much of it leaves a sound wispy and melancholic. Collecting other indie albums and while I can ...
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Rubble
> When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. > > 1 Corinthians 13:11 A lot of my neuroticism comes ...
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Latent Meaning
Leafing through the end of _Flowers For Algernon_ so one may note how novel a description. To be fully aware of each step toward an abstract and familiar prison. By Serendipity I'm surprised to find how disjointedly connected it is to ...
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To Talk
I have grown in a world mostly indifferent to my words. As many have, many do. Many of you reading. But I think we all eventually work through that. There still are some moments where your opinion counts and then you ...
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The Hidden
I knew you were crying that day. You felt the shift then, I get it. How many more unforgettable days are between these words? But I didn't _really_ know. Isn't that the beautiful part? If we share a tab and you down a glass ...
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The Stress Testers
If you ruled a populace that can't even begin to orient itself toward the future you see plain as day, some fourth dimensional viewing, I mean, what could you do? As things stand, if you unveil the gargantuan, Cthulhuian disintegration of ...
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Rome's Whispers
Roaming about I can't seem to shake this drape upon my existence and society. Between the froyo shops or takeouts when I see those walking about I feel the coins clank and then I knew, once again, the chains in place: ...
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Performative Excess Humility
You know what's an easy way to make whatever you're saying more digestible? You pretend you're beneath the listener, or on the same team. To make the more disgusting points you can degrade yourself as alms. And I perfected that. For some ...
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Art and Artist
I never really bothered to finish Infinite Jest and though I never had to justify why (and not as though anyone would ask) so may as well. Because it doesn't seem you can separate the art from the artist. Can Art transcend ...
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Smarts
I've always made it a point to never think about intelligence, never incite it, make distinction nor invite it. It even feels dirty to bring it up today. Because smartness is best measured by action: any discussion of it feels crude. You ...
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Ocean Blue
_Finding Nemo_ is an apropos setting for exploring psychological states. We begin in the reef, comfort thereof, though of course inevitably subject to tragedy. The tragedy permanently expands the periphery: you are now always vaguely glancing at amorphous portal ahead. Yet no matter ...
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Bubblegum Concrete
Recently I realized a lot of anxious feeling comes from this metaphor of "bubblegum concrete". Inspired by the "elasticity of the brain". By how youth is best encapsulated as "[possibility](/posts/realm)". Or how life is a [conveyor of doors and rooms shrinking](/posts/vivid), opportunity ...
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Classism
A brainworm of a sentence got revived out of me lately: > Everyone has the courage to hate the rich. **But do you have the courage to hate the poor?** I don't think it got enmeshed in me due to face value ...
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Psychopath
While contemplating some far out goals, I think it's about joining the "psychopaths", in a twisted definition of it. Where perhaps **everyone is already secretly a psychopath** and I'm just trying to learn along. Now in the original nuance that's a ...
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Humanity's Game
When I write here I often refer to "the game of humanity" or "the game we're playing" but I don't think I ever specified it. Some parts of the game are still a little fuzzy to me, but maybe they'll be ...
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[Gentle // Violent] Soul
After a pleasant bike ride today I found myself quite confused, frankly. Because when you train yourself to be unfeeling sometimes any sort of pleasantness feels a tad like failure, maybe: I'm not supposed to feel anything, after all. That's what ...
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There is no plan
How's your bank account looking? Swelling up swimmingly. Maybe. Maybe not! You're paying your rent on time? That's good... and with enough saved you'll get your house... looking good... Taking your meds? Well, you slip up now and then, and that's fine, ...
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Online Whore
Any journalist is a prostitute with the publication they write under. You don't last long otherwise. And though the term "online whore" acquired a whole concrete example in the recent years so nevertheless I wonder what it'd mean to apply such shamelessness ...
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Survival
I was rereading _Vita Contemplativa_ and its wages against our productivity zeitgeist. That is, modernity holds no room for boredom, contemplation. Waiting. On any other day it makes sense, where you'd cue the audience nodding emphatically in agreement: why yes, one ...
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Shared Faux Heritage
I know we don't share the same blood. That's fine. You got a whole different existence, definitely, though it's strange how we have this same language. Do you think we picked up the words from the same TV shows, cultural icons? I'm sure we ...
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Seer
Writing feels like becoming a god sans power or even prestige. At least the gods have an _ultimate essence_ about them, whether speed or lightning. Still, they're rather isolated in their act or dwelling: ultimate, with an eagle's nest lonely. As the ...
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Re: Sperging Out
The following is from an email exchange. I am sharing an excerpt with their permission, keeping them anonymous. --- > What inspires you to keep sperging out online? Half the time I can't even understand what you're writing about, or it sounds ...
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Chronic Sophism
The best term I could come up with is "chronic sophism". "Chronic sophism" is where one, over an unexplained period of time, wrongly concluded. Was never corrected, and thus one cultivated that which destroys them. Slams into a wall of ...
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Fear of the Lord
One of my favorite riddles in the Bible is "fear of the lord". > The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. It pops up every so often, and it doesn't even seem like something to analyze. But it strikes right ...
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Indifference
I think indifference is one of the most honest emotions you'll come across. Can't fake it, can't rebuke it. Indifference is also, paradoxically, one of the most powerful emotions to wield. Despite being the null of emotion. If we measure "power" not by feeling, ...
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antinovelist confession
Sometimes one may wish to produce something more substantial. Like a novel, preferably. Fiction, maybe. Alas maybe one would be inclined toward vague cursory reflections, like some sort of performance act, except the profile of the character is all but missing. And it ...
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The End Of Words
I was reading an essay by Dugin about postmodernism. After a quarter I skipped every other paragraph and after a quarter two more I scrolled to the bottom hoping for some interesting conclusion. But I couldn't find any words to read. Couldn't ...
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To Be King
Under the "philosopher king" theme so there's a reluctance, usually. Those who can wield the throne aren't so inclined to do so. It'd be better to avoid rule in any capacity (or rule from the shadows). Too much a bother, too ...
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Mockingbird
The Mockingbird is the state bird of Florida. It was also forced down on the populace with the required reading of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ to which, I must admit, I only vaguely remember and find myself wondering what they ...
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Communist Daughter
My favorite song off the infamous _In the Aeroplane Over the Sea_ is _Communist Daughter_. What dominates is its ocean waves sample. The waves to drown out the complete destruction of ideals, perhaps. Reframes it all, if anything. Even if one could have a ...
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The Distance of Hidden Kings
You must understand that money has no meaning on the throne. The throne is the _origin_ of money after all. [It's always interesting seeing startup founders cashing out and falling into despair.](https://vinay.sh/i-am-rich-and-have-no-idea-what-to-do-with-my-life/) Because a lot of us are wired: can you sincerely ...
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Brotherly Love
I think brotherhood is one of the more beautiful parts of existence, even if you'll rarely see it. Because one may at least vaguely know what the other sees, however personalized it may be. What is more enduring than to acknowledge ...
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Orbs Out Of Structure
I was wondering why I could, in years past, sit down to any Hero's Journey blueprint and stay enthralled. Obviously there's always a satisfaction in seeing another character doing the work and training you're ignoring. And yet despite seeing the work done ...
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Justice Eternal
Upon first read of Ecclesiastes so all may note the most quotable of verses: > There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: the righteous who > get what the wicked deserve, and the wicked who get what the righteous > deserve. ...
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Smoulder
One thing often missing from public discourse is the actual, deep, visceral anger. Fully comprehending it. The best you can usually muster in a textual format is contempt. Anger comes off as cringe and extremely feminine; to describe the hellscape you'd plan ...
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Delusions
It's not a big stretch to say that delusions are what keep a good chunk of people alive. One could further the point that a prior delusion could now be a reality, for those so determined. Encapsulated as "having a dream". What ...
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Entertainment Masochism
Recently I realized I am an Entertainment Masochist. I could be watching some anime... maybe an old movie... I could buy a ticket to the aquarium even. Reading fun novels, manga is fine too. Chat with old friends, play a few hours of ...
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Barnes & Noble
I recently had the pleasure to visit Barnes & Noble. Some shopping districts have a strict codec on what light-up fonts you can use for your store label, but in this parking lot center the _Barnes & Noble_ had an especially ...
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Advertising
I love advertising. Of course not actually seeing the ads, but for the love of the game: that idea if you send the right signals in the right places... that you can convince someone of something they didn't even know ...
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The Ties That Bind Us
I can buy anything I want. I can buy a ticket across the world. Buy a nice skyline view, and some maids to clean my room while I'm out roaming. I can buy endless amounts of food. Of comforts. New processors and ...
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True Compassion
I do not aim to cure all your ails. We can certainly extend a hand to one another, in a mutually beneficial agreement. Definitely! A small exchange on what to do next works too. But I cannot, in good conscience, give ...
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Tragic Enemy
One of the best story tropes is when the protagonist pulls back the curtain on their nemesis. Spending years chasing behind them, only for them to seem so small and shattered at the ending. Before the eclipse. Seeing someone that had everything ...
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Vulnerability as Divine
I don't think it's a coincidence loneliness of today's generation coincides with a loss of vulnerability. I've been performing all my life. I'm sure you're doing the same. We act everyday, we know what to say. I will make you love ...
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Necrolexy
It's strange how Wittgenstein's conclusions seemed isolated in its effects. Maybe it shaped the upper caste of universities, though maybe the [thousand-year observers](/posts/prole-life) see it as a Year One stepping stone. That is, words only point to things. They are signs. ...
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Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown
Emotional breakdowns require one condition to be interesting. It's obvious once you see it. You can click around all you want and get served a list of mental disorders as scout badges. But a collection of disorders won't work. Emotional breakdowns ...
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Lifestyle Honesty
Look, we don't have to keep playing this game. I know, I know, it's the same as any other elephant in the room. But I know you're on your device at least ~10 hours everyday. We don't have to pretend we're ...
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Virtue is Amoral
If to sin is to "miss the mark" why isn't there a more secular equivalence for virtue? It's interesting how we can decouple "sin" but struggle with "virtue". One could suppose Virtue comes further entrenched in whatever moral system. Well, let's ...
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Energy Transfer
One fun theory about how trees, looking up at the branches, seem to all follow their own electrical fields. In the same vein it wouldn't be at all surprising to learn about a hidden electric field for each person. After all, ...
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Ghosting
Such a great coinage. Since it tells the real tale between the lines. The usual definition is to cut all contact. But let's be more specific: to ghost is to kill the figment in another's mind. The term suggests "ghost" as ...
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Final Boss
One could look toward the Crusades or the Reconquista for some surge in meaning and beating heart of living. Look toward Bismarck collecting his provinces to the trade flourish and beauty within each city-state from Babylon to Alexandria, gondola heights. What ...
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Political Comfort
Sometimes I could envy those who still have talking points to share. Especially those real good-feeling ones. The ones where we just make everything magically better somehow, somewhere. We're all in this together! And, of course, let's not forget the opposing ...
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Morphine // Invisible Walls
Dragging a cursor along all these wikipedia tabs and drifting off, 2 a.m. nearing, so a vision of _East of Eden_ floats ahead. The psychopathy left some pause on first read, especially because all one could know most days, back then ...
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Impro (book) (stolen)
Seeing as the book was requisite reading for Palantir so one naturally grows curious as to why. Perhaps the top brass looks upon it and thinks, "well, we have to be good improvisors, _flexible_ to the situation" and thus makes it ...
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One Shotted
A new favourite repackage of videogame lingo is someone getting "one shotted". One could imagine many applications of the phrase... whether a more direction translation of facing someone way above your punch weight to something a little more abstract. Like an ...
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Anti-Lurker Sermon
They say that modern warfare is psychic, yet it seems so invisible. Plain as day though: days of silence. A good way to measure how much you're in your head is to check how many words you've said aloud. Another way to measure ...
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State Enforced Autism
If compliance is demanded from day one, what is one to do? The cameras are everywhere. Cameras waiting in pockets. If a misstep in public social interaction or with bad actors means a reputation nuke, let alone a Gallows invitation, how ...
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Small break
Hello friends. Thought it'd be interesting to add a little bit of code today, as a break from more code waiting. In fact, this code could probably be used by you, too, if you're so inclined. This was prompted by visiting something ...
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Spontaneity
Perhaps a bleak of a worldview, but there's this image of how spontaneity often silos and it's so morbid. It's like an animated painting fed the shredder. Peering in so our supposed hero dragging another along toward anywhere, anywhere at all. ...
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Prison of Patterns
IQ tests predominantly test pattern recognition. What comes next? David Hume calls this the _is-ought_ conundrum. We program ourselves to believe that, with past as indication, the future shall follow suit. Because something _is_, well, it _ought_ to be later. Because the ...
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Unjustified
After working about so many consecutive years and how we hop along in the common exchange, "what do you do for a living" and other things: you learn to, however close you are to your extinction, **you learn to justify ...
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Truman Show
You know, many people of the West are, in most respects, cultural orphans. The cultural orphanage was erected around the 1900s, and from the fallout here we are. This could just be me being an economic gollum, most definitely, but as ...
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Delusion Maxxing
Fanning through what I used to write when I was real down, whatever remnants stuffed in the back of this site, half of the time I was seeking divine revelation. I was looking to noclip out of existence. Waiting for a ...
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being human
When I work on business stuff and keep the stiff upper lip, thumb pinned against the terms & conditions, so sometimes talking to enough customers I can't help but wonder what makes one so vigilant. Vigilant in pre-emptive defense. Why ...
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Romantic Individual
It's a Western inclination to apply all agency on an atomic level: after all, how else will you enact your freedoms? We can forget about the more covert, insidious mechanisms by which to enslave people anyway. We'll forget that and humor ...
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Titans
With enough rumble of the floor one may start visualizing a split. And as the rest of the area caves in, some thousand mile perimeter, so unveils a whole underworld churning in its own economic leviathan. Falling down and some ...
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Layers
One hard truth I sometimes struggle with is how there are always layers of understanding. I'm not sure where the opposite belief comes from; that is, to believe that if you keep talking and reiterating you will somehow bridge a gap ...
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Anti-Viral
I like this obscurity. Don't you? There's something towering and distant when you start scaling. What starts as a hole-in-the-wall turns into a Yelp Special with the skinny-jean whispering that maybe, just maybe, it's out of vogue. Even if they've expanded to ...
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Oslo
I can't watch movies anymore but one movie that stays with me is _Oslo, August 31st_. It captures that aimlessness and window closing of middle age. One of my favorite scenes is where the main character gets caught in the sunrise amongst ...
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Efficiency -> Low Energy
The issue with fixating on allocation, whether in schedules or factories, adjunct time and resourcing (social venues too even), sure, it's practical, but it's a race toward Low Energy. If you ask anyone who does interesting (and difficult) stuff, whenever the ...
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AI as gasoline
Obviously AI is bad if you like the status quo. But who actually likes the status quo? It probably does a lot of psychological damage, and even now there are fringe groups wondering when we'll get some 1 and 0 ...
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Hyperspace
It's fascinating how many spheres of "everything" exists. Magnitudes held within a lifespan, where some epicenters hold their own candle. A _Post Malone_ shuffled radio and walking along some Miami beach-side pool or now a stadium shaking _Terrible Towels_ and a casket ...
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Coin Proxies Nature
Often I think about how an advanced society's economy acts as a loose proxy of Nature. Most of the time. After all, animals in the wild spend many cycles on furnishing their lodgings and storing resources, if they're a storing type, ...
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Substack Maxxing
Whenever one has the pleasure of a Serif font with the ballooned text size and the coveted pop-up, yes, so one can wonder whether to add their own footnotes. Add a link to their own ballooning page. Fanning through the reputable ...
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Internet Cruelty
Would you ever think unguarded Internet access is actively harmful? Sometimes the history books get rewritten and there's probably a parallel history passed between hidden hands on how the world actually works. It's real hard to look truth right in the face, ...
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Silence is the Ruler
Before sleep so I contemplated yet again about video games. Something of which I am convinced I ran and categorized every facet previously. Yet some topics naturally encourage retracing all the directions one can take. To mix and weave conclusions, maybe. One ...
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Timeline: Missing
Perhaps it was Facebook which debuted deigning the central feed "The Timeline" but coming across someone using the word as such can't help but make a smile about it. Because, after all, what once was a timeline now is an endless ...
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Leicester
They always put Sprite right next to the 7Up, as though a taunt to those who drink either or neither. And I always pray that they remain apart, and they don't, and I really needed a pick-me-up that day. I was ...
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Enchanted
Let us see through a glass spritely! Let the glint defuse across the dome above, us incased, perhaps shook a bit for some artificial snowflakes but no worries, we can contort up a paper cut snowfight infused in a shiver ...
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Individualist Descent
In nature, the individual does not exist. If it does exist, it does not exist for long. Fast forward a hundred years and every "individual" is gone. Within those hundred years so any espoused individual today bludgeons along, patching up the mental haywiring ...
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Legacy
In a more naive world view so one could think about all the lives they affected. From school cafeteria clerks to intermittent study groups. Before dismissal. In a more practical lens, once one dies, so who cares what is left and remembered? Legacy ...
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Sayonara Ponytail
When I used to lurk some older, more obscure imageboards there was a music thread. And posting so often, clicking around, someone inevitably shared this band. Another thread talked about other imageboards closing, an anxiety about this one going, some regret knowing ...
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Pnin
This was Nabokov's "breakout" novel that "launched him" into stardom, at least so Wikipedia states. It's why it was selected to read and review, too, though one can wonder what exactly makes a book a "launch" for any author. Doubly so in ...
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The Rings of Saturn
It's been a long time since I've written about a book. The last time I bothered to extensively write about a novel would be sometime in highschool for an AP course. Choose a few books, write a summary -- I think ...
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The Joys of Greyscale
Why, exactly, is this site passed through a greyscale filter? If you'd like to join, all you need to do is add this: ```css html { filter: grayscale(100%); } ``` In some respects, it could seem distasteful. Even conformist. After all, the modernist trend of grey ...
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Comfort from a distance
Nightwalking around so one follows scatters of light. Through windows or street poles, or those somewhat cheesy lantern-esque ones hanging off the mail center. It felt like some artist etched them in for the evening, bit of a smudge, and they're tracing ...
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A Prior Eye
Scavenging to the local Publix so a magazine line featured a Minecraft cover, captioned as "The Game That Captured The World" or some other dramatic match. Light fixtures sparsely flickered, whether due to some automatic electricity savings or because the ...
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An Institutional Man
For the first few years instead of lockers you get your cubby and throw it in, a Power Ranger backpack design. Stumble over to a chair no higher than a foot. Foot and a half. There was a harmony and the ...
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Lurker Elegy
Some could argue those who contribute online may be a little unhinged. If not unhinged, then at least opportunistic, manipulative -- understanding this is a psychopathic battlefield after all. A war of attrition for your mind. But of all who post online, perhaps ...
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Venetian Glare
For thousands of years so walks among us: an elevated being, however scarce. Shuffling through the bazaar, under an arch of artery, so one can wonder how much paper and contract bind the walls. Wander some more toward the port and ships ...
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Spectre
"Excuse me sir, do you mind if we share this cabin with you?" So stood a woman at my compartment door, holding the hand of a tousled brown-haired boy. He stared so blankly straight at my face, in the typical innocent ...
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Psychological Violence
If you hand a child a choice between a dinosaur plushie or a blanket so it will instinctively grab for either one. You will rarely see it instead protest for a third item not yet presented, not yet known. In the ...
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Profile
Below is a detailed and critical summary dissecting the personality, interests, fears, and hopes of the person based solely on the provided word list from their website posts. --- ### Personality (Emotional Stability, Social Tendencies) The individual’s language is a swamp of indecision, ...
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Blood and Steel Brotherhood
I think it would've helped if someone told me that blood and steel is all you have left. Get to sink into workout, and how the physical pain blocks out spiritual decay and mental anguish -- to be at once ...
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Elite
It's an American tendency, or perhaps unrequitable ideal, to forgo class distinctions. Even if the oligarchy blackmailing majority of the political faces never would. [There was a study done](https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2014/08/07/335285098/rich-kid-poor-kid-for-30-years-baltimore-study-tracked-who-gets-ahead) to illustrate, despite the shine of many Individuals everywhere, that your destination ...
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Dating: a psyop turned rogue
Seeing as any major hit piece media parades and vaguely we're here due to a long chain of elopement, however profane, maybe some evolutionary forces or ordained in Genesis, nevertheless one, surely, inevitably, eventually, may be in want of a ...
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You are the Culture
In our godless conceptions so Culture takes parts of its mantle, between politics and faustian capital. Culture... so elusive. Always being lost. Always being excavated by the clueless and whatever's in. But if I'm dragged around a historical restoration project, I mean, ...
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Nomad
The phone call made it clear we weren't seeing each other again. It wasn't explicitly enunciated, no. Though flicking through the other transcripts -- I often record my phone calls for liabilities, and yes, even those ones, but regardless -- there ...
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Graveyard
In a silver overcast so a teddy bear dangled along. Matt stared up while making the trek: he knew it by heart. Half way up the middle hill, two rows after the plaque bench. Inscribed about a couple who worked the ...
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Act I
Another walk round the park, more of a saunter, though with Nature never a drag. The forest morphs each visit. Even today I came across some five-petaled flower as a lighter violet, sprouted amongst the clover patches. Lately I've fantasized to follow ...
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An autocratic book club
Hello friends. Been wanting to read more, and though I've begun and have a nice selection of books, so I thought it'd be amusing to "start a book club" and add one more. Now, the "book club" I am creating here ...
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Martian Reverie
A rosecolor freshman evening I tagged along with some dormmates across the campus to meet up with other unknowing Baphomet worshippers -- their devotion shown through a liquor bottle display, credit card cocaine and finalized by our eventual destination: the ...
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Global Cannibal
I lean back in my chair and swipe around on Netflix wondering what's it got for me today. Maybe more K-Drama... maybe some anime... maybe some, ah, a critically acclaimed Latinx film, courtesy of the Goya. Well, if none of those work ...
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Intellectual Disdain; Intimidation
> Modern society is in certain respects extremely permissive. In matters that are irrelevant to the functioning of the system we can generally do what we please. [...] We can do anything we like as long as it is ...
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Hill
She had a dot of strawberry ice cream on her nose, absently staring. I always insisted that she tried mint chocolate chip, as she disclosed it's the bits of strawberry which she loved the most. A surprisingly rare variant, and thus perhaps ...
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Modern Love Letter
While researching how to make mobile apps more and reconsidering everything (once more) so the top post of the react native subreddit had an app for couples. Tracking important milestones and whatever else. Anyway, a couple of comments had it pinned as ...
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Unneeded
When I was a lot younger sometimes mowing the lawn so I'd mull over and wonder why I was born. That if I ever had a child, well, I'd hope I'd have a good enough answer as to why. Since I ...
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Devil's Party
When I think about the gazelle thrashing about before slaughter, blood limping across the savannah -- do you think there's something wrong here? As I lift each leg over the emaciated homeless, needles still splain -- well, I mean, you can't ...
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The Edge of Squalor
I'm pretty sure I wrote about this before but I can't remember. In any case, one of my favourite themes is what I'd dean _The Edge of Squalor_. One could reduce it down to the "fall of pride" and that's all, but ...
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Slim
As I mess around with the website colors so I thought about an old highschool friend. We were great friends, and it was funny half the time. But college happened and then they forever altered their mannerisms. The type of thing where you're ...
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Sharing
On today's nightwalk around the blocks so I ritually passed by the nearby apartment complex. It reminded me of the one I grew up with near my suburban slots. There were a few faces I knew from then, a few faces I ...
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neophobia
So another Saturday passed and nothing necessarily notable, other than the habitual, whether maintaining some idea of studying something, researching something, then scrolling around doing nothing. It's nothing to be mad about. It's not like you have to do something crazy ...
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Swing set
"Do you think this is the last time we'll sit here together?" I was staring at my untied converses flayed in the sand. They always untied themselves but that's because I couldn't stand anything else. "I don't know, what made you ...
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Juno
Do you remember the day we met? I never confessed to you how sweaty my hands were, which is why I couldn't shake yours at the time. And with the indifferent glare you shot upon me so never could I have known ...
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Insanity's Stairwell
When I wrote [Sanity's Stairwell](/posts/stairway.html) however long ago, so I made one critical error. Throughout the piece there's this assumption of a _baseline sanity_. It's in the very title: of course we're sane here, there, sane somewhere. Ah, how comforting it could ...
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Prole Life
It can be quite hard to estimate how _aware_ you are of the world around you. One of the few beautiful aspects of the net is that, in real time, you can see different _world views_ interacting with one another, or ...
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meaningful
Making a website is probably one of the more meaningful things you could do. And in some ways it's real absurd, isn't it? In a lot of ways. You would best measure meaning by the amount of responsibility you got, the amount ...
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horrible is great actually
There's always a vague inclination to be "a good person" in so far that you could wash your hands when you ever feel accused. Or you could bathe in the fact you at least did right by the entities above, by ...
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Music Industry Machinations
I had a random thought the other day flipping through prior top 40 singles. It's almost like there are two gears locked together in the topic obvious corpus -- and we can ignore the more niche pockets but they could, most ...
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replicated
An interesting question: if AI will replicate and succeed at prided tasks, like programming and music or whatever else -- if so, what's left? After some deliberation one may suggest it is our emotion/soul/heart that's still left. That, in most ways, the ...
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Alchemist
One trope I find so amusing is best encapsulated by an opening of _Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood_. Beyond the typical bildungsroman dolly shots following the main characters and their evolution, there's a pivotal zoom-out overlooking from their father. The eyeglasses glare out ...
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Pillar
It was the same hill. The one with the dogwalk path circling, poo-bag stations pending, benches and two trees leaning in its center. I intended to run a half-circle as I always did, threading through the metal fences toward the shopping ...
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weight
I was fanning through my CD collection. We were packing up, moving cross the country. It was the fifth time we did this. I'm saying we, but I just mean my pet and I. Sometimes other people are included, so it's ...
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A sit down
"Mark, we need to talk." It was the same as any other Friday -- though luckily for the last year I made a bargain with my manager to sign off two hours earlier. You'd be surprised how much those two hours ...
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Vanguard Vestige
"Where you've been Jess?" My little brother was tugging on my jacket. "You gotta see this fort I made at least." It was a cracked version of Minecraft I copped for him. We had a few mods too -- some mechanical industry, ...
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Joker
Another one "landed". Tiptoeing and perfectly interjected between the benign suggestions of another appetizer or switching the bar channel. I had the table in uproar for a solid two minutes; I was on fire that night. Or so one would think ...
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Goldfish
Gary got buried yesterday. I had _The Only Thing_ on repeat while processing his departure which, at first glance, was certainly expected -- he was pushing triple goldfish digits -- and, on second surmise, most comfortably distant. After all, it was a ...
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Dating
I knew it wasn't the venue. Everyone loves the venue, everyone online raves about the venue -- I mean, it's a 4.9 on Yelp with a single dollar sign. Single. Do you know how rare that is? It's one in ...
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Email
It's been five days. And after reading through the three mails prior I confirmed I covered all of the incidentals -- tea notes, park observations and school reflections. I even had a call out from our first correspondence, in an attempt to ...
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saveless
Staring at the _Ocarina of Time_ loading screen, accepting it's over -- so one can at least enjoy the mist and ocean blues. I leaned back in my chair and wondered about the central plot. Saving Hyrule, saving the princess as ...
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Graveyard Famous
If you ever had a liability incident where someone drags your face along the pavement just because you breathed in the same room, you'd probably agree it's unlikely you'd bother to breathe near anywhere anytime soon. To get proxied interrogated through ...
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Neighborless
While working on the current project sometimes I try to think of something else that'd help my general problems, and it's funny because there is no technology that would solve my problems, honestly. I can't tell if my problems even ...
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Chance of Humanity
Though the habit usually drops off, so upon a First Day into the Station or the Building of any city institution so one contemplates all the lives swarming around. Fighting for a spot in the next shuttle. You stop considering each ...
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Worcester
"But you have to live a lot longer in order to know that, right?" "Well, it's all the same, whether it takes five years or minutes you'll see," so typed up my IRC compadre with the handle of stixmix. My cursor ...
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Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
It's [a wikipedia entry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bedtime_procrastination) and you could surmise the exact definition probably. But I'll spare the guessing: it's the label for the scenario where you _completely_ screwed your day, just ruined, feeling as a complete waste of space ping-ponging between lethargy ...
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Asinine Remarks on Maintenance
The a codebase I work on is approaching the few-years mark. Which is great, in terms of... its ability toward stability, supposedly. But when was the last time you've incidentally made a monster? Right now I'm working through a "hot path" in ...
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Risk
You can tell someone is in a bubble when they don't ask themselves the basic questions, seek the basic results. This neglect heightens the insanity: some people get so fervent in their beliefs even though it's the antithesis of living. And you ...
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Nobody
There was a roller rink we'd go to for some hockey sessions with a slot machine pocket right at the oval head, behind the goalie. A cherry wood flooring bouncing off lights and sync'd with random 2000s pop hits that were ...
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Innocence Reprieve, or a Psyop Wasteland
In a prior era the inheritance of most men would be a farm, or maybe a village to be the bridge builder. Some structure, a mild respect if you aren't the drunk. But most of all a family. Extended families too ...
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Hot Reloading
The language I use for work is built off of the Erlang virtual machine. Some brainchild crawling out from Sweden and keeps me cozy running my servers. Erlang was built to deal with mobile networks, phones, etc -- and in such ...
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Little Trophy Champion blogpost
The other day I was reflecting about why I produce so much -- though much of the same circling around insanity, socially daft content at best. Writhing around while there's a dial tone answer dangling right ahead all the time. ...
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Definition
One way to enlightenment, as prescribed by the elect, is to see that nothing can be defined on its own. Everything finds its definition in the other; there is no independent reality. By extension, because everything is intertwined, so separation is ...
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Owls
Deep into the neighborhood comes a bend where some owls lurk. You'd best come along around 9 to 10 and they'll stare you down. Screeching about nothing. It's a nested spot where little to no light comes in, just trees and ...
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Royalty ⏳
In Wittgenstein's journal during World War I so one can find some entries of the typical despair, but not because of the front line. He was sent more toward the back, upon the Vistula river -- the _Goplana_ so the ...
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Tutorial Island
When World of Warcraft: Season of Discovery released over a year ago, I had the pleasure of exploring the Alliance side of the map. Many years ago I only played the Horde, whether to be a hooligan or a contrarian -- ...
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Dying Alone
As the year comes to a close so one makes a modest assessment of the general operations and future hastings. Here is an honest conclusion, a clear conscious report. To proceed, one must acknowledge that anyone under the age of 45 is ...
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Tolerance is Homicide
The core credo most westerners grow up with -- at least one could hope -- is, you do you. Go do your own thing, whatever. It's so deeply ingrained that it's hard to imagine the alternative. But rarely has one bothered to ...
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The Go! Team's Cloud Atlas with Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt!
Across the American Nation so the first day of highschool begins under streetlight. And while waiting at the bus-stop you find yourself a little surprised at all the main arteries' streams of headlights. The traffic signals seem a little brighter, and when ...
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fighting
"What's worth fighting for?"---fun to wonder about, and certain when you come by enough passion. If you look at the soldier's motive so it's usually family or for others. Maybe a programmed-in sense of pride, domestic or national. There's a benignly painted ...
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Cathedrals
What could be said of a world without cathedrals? There may be tunnel walkways strung between high-rises, insulating the humidity and spreading the joyous commerce fatuously. Plastic bags shuffling through radiated asphalt mixed with sewer steam. There certainly are signs of life, though ...
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Blinders
Hello friends. Lately been thinking about anonymity. When you're anonymous for almost all of your life -- short stint of school-pressured social accounts to delete -- so the weathered shadow sits so comfortably on one's shoulders. The few times trying to Post ...
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On Why One May Not Try
A repeated observation is how _transient_ everything is. It starts in schooling, jumping from grade to grade and group to group. Continuing beyond, from corp to corp or startups too. If you're neurotic enough so it even comes with others, online or ...
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palm trees ⏳
Seagulls in the distance troddling around. All the swimsuits daring a little too much. Please let us have some quadfold chairs and if today is the end then some amber bottles too. Sun radiating off sanded asphalt all linking staggered isles -- ...
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layers of walmart ⏳
Today I went to pick up vegetables at the local Walmart. Passed by the employee on the cig-break and dodged the watermelons displayed out-front before getting my basket. With the entrance I'm always thrown in for a contemplation, and a waff of ...
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visceral
You don't need me to tell you how the mind is powerful. It's relentlessly broadcasted as some fashionable segue into more neuroscience or self-help jargon. In its usual presentation so it's delivered with a "but we're in luck!" -- a ...
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violin ⏳
I think it's important for some people to hate you. It's important for some people to unequivocally think you're a stuck-up asshole. If you never been called an asshole before then it's likely you haven't fought for anything. All assholes fight for ...
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unbridled passion
When was the last time you lost control of yourself? In a funny way, in a sickly way, or, for some, a sexually charged way: losing oneself is the catharsis so desperately sought. Yet in your reflections, tracing a finger over those ...
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Treadmills ⏳
What better artifact of the Suburban experience than a treadmill my dear friends? When I was a real chunkster so my family had a spare one -- rarely used, dust accrued -- and maybe I'd walk on it bi-weekly at a ...
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thorns of thistle ⏳
Even if I wanted to publish an email to extend outward toward conversations, my gut starts acting up and I feel all suffocated and dreadful. Dread of hurting people more than I already have, dread of fidgeting and my sickness infecting ...
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sunday
What do you believe to be the beginning of a week? It was first on Sunday, now on Monday, but when you drop out entirely then it's any day you want it to be. Maybe yield the whole calendar to the old ...
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subservience
The other day I came about a Midwestern festival. Typical brick roads and some go karts slipping between stands in a sprawling grid of orderly love -- and as you catch the hotdog sign with its muted tart color composition ...
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song of one's people ⏳
It's first worth defining "one's people" before selecting the song, though it seems almost a chicken-and-egg problem, don't you think? Music is one of the most powerful binding mechanisms culture has to offer: even if conversations around it can turn banal ...
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Sobriety
Friendly reminder that sobriety is nightmare mode. Most the players around are at least sporting anti-depressants. If not that, then twitching around with reds. Some sedatives sprinkled on grease, hit a spliff -- cognac to follow. Whenever I get down I at least ...
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Smothered
No touching is, generally, an unspoken requirement. I think it's because it's easier to mask your thoughts when you wear enough cloth. Maybe there's something lost in transmission when you no longer exchange a hug once in a while. But I think this ...
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alley
Hello friends. I hope you had a nice day. Today was nice, I think. Sometimes I feel like I'm not qualified to judge. Things happened, and so came the night, but it feels like I'm losing the ability to have any ...
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skill issue
Outbursts are a futile hope to change things; tantrums are the plea of the unheard, and unheard they'll remain, maybe even reprimanded. So it's learned to formulate your treatise, or at least seek enough power to no longer ask. Naturally a mistake ...
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shadowed flower ⏳
On periodic walks through the nearby park, whatever time of day, so it's usually empty. There's only a few passer-bys. More often than not one is with some silence. Though from those few it's amusing how much you can learn about someone ...
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talking
Ever wonder where your desire to talk comes about? If you step back and wonder it is a strange little thing. Hard to ascertain whether it even needs to exist, yet it crawls through the crevices. Sneaks into a moment, a ...
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settling
Hello friends. It's interesting how the term "settling" got all contorted to mean "discontent" or "given up" or something like that. Wouldn't it be nice to dream of the opposite: sitting still to expand one's home, one's home found in you, ...
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sensory deprivation
The reason why solitary confinement is so painful is because it renders all the senses useless. So if you aren't used to dwelling in some imaginary real estate, the clock turns sluggish and the thoughts crowd the room. In some ways, it ...
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room for love
Hello friends. Lately I've been thinking about my condition which requires a comfortable distance even to the detriment of those who may care. For example, recently a college friend reached out through text -- and I understand not everyone likes long ...
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reservoir daydreams ⏳
A reason one may not talk to anyone in private other than family is because of some strange intensity. Maybe a byproduct of family, but nevertheless the intensity sits around and waits to ignite. Conversations become contradictions, idle chatter to clenching ...
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returning to dust
For almost all my life I've never really been alone. Probably for majority of those out there. One could look toward family, or circumstances -- the coworker leans back and gives a nod, etc. Barring that, you can technically connect with anyone ...
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re: monarch
Could you imagine wanting to die for someone? Maybe you can reach such heights once you make a family of your own -- maybe until then if you speed enough romantic bookstoppers. But even then, that's awfully convenient. Dying for one's own ...
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realm of possibility
Hello friends. There's nothing grand today. Sometimes the grandness is exhausting. This is a simple message serving its purpose: existence. That is, there's nothing to necessarily report. But maybe you're used to that. Aren't you? A lot of text messages don't mean anything in themselves: it's ...
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provisional living
Do you think it's provisional living if you're "preparing" for a life beyond? A life eternal? An eternity in each moment. The best way to compartmentalize all of one's impermanence seems to be the pendant of "we'll get here again." To ...
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pen drops
If you do ever wake up at 5 a.m. -- ease into the day however you prefer -- so the sun lets you walk around a stiller neighborhood. A different one. Roads empty, and it feels proper. The convostarter of what ...
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past
Do you think you need to know someone's narrative to be close to them? I guess that's how it usually goes. The more time you spend with one another, so stories slip in out of relevance. It's hard to understand why sharing ...
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notetaking
Whenever I have the fortune to come across an "optimized notetaking" workflow my confusion only stirs deeper. It's not like I'm unsympathetic: I've spent an ungodly amount of hours fiddling with Anki or my text editors -- but I at least ...
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low bar
What is it which stirs one to climb higher? Isn't it predominantly a dissatisfaction with the current affairs? What use is the eagle's nest if it comes accompanied so tritely with a "it's cold and lonely" -- well, why bother reaching ...
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hands open
Do you think creating a website could be selfless? Of course it can. Of course. Though when one surveys the websites around... is there a selflessness attached? I certainly see such selflessness (enlightened selfishness) sometimes. There are a good few articles a ...
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Letters to Wieczorek
## August 31st, 2015 Dear Wieczorek, Snagged a deal and the landlady seemed pleasant enough about it. Here's a letter hailing from Lexington Ave, few blocks from Central Park. She told me about how she inherited this place and it goes pretty back, but ...
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this is [not] (our) story
Did you know the significance behind the + and - next to your blood type? It signifies whether the Rhesus D antigen is present in your blood. [Rhesus](# "Genus of monkeys") is Latin for something! The distribution between RhD+ and RhD- ...
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a joy beyond hunger
There's a threshold where, once reached, hunger ceases to bother you. As though the body gave up against your persistence to starve yourself. Why would anyone want to reach such limits? If you have access to food everyday, then it seems ...
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intensity
Something I've always distanced myself from was coming off too intense, high-strung, however you want to label it. Did find some success, and however gently the moments go, nevertheless it keeps festering. Festers a festering to fester. I can feel the ethereal ...
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intelligence
Somewhere down the line I stopped caring about intelligence. I think it's because the intelligence which was "valued" in one's entire education is a complete farce. Maybe if you ascend high enough in the academic tower so the memorization starts to mean ...
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insomnia
It's pretty stupid to not get any sleep, isn't it? Maybe if we wrap it in an expensive term we could excuse ourselves from neglect. Feeling a bit horrible in the days to come, and you won't be all that ready ...
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imagitora
Once you see how everything you could ever want will never satiate you, you have a couple of options: 1. Desire nothing 2. Devour everything You know what's the strangest thing about either path? They're actually one and the same. When I used to maintain ...
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i miss you
You know, if you look close enough, sometimes you'll find such twisted thoughts that it takes too much effort to unwind it. The title contains a banned combination of words, because it doesn't change anything, or only accentuates our supposed endings. Can't ...
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one last hurrah before the apple rolls ⏳
Hello friends. What would your last letter look like? There's a queue of things I wrote awhile back, with a few filed in from years prior. But it's all on standby now. Standby, because... Which ones are worth sharing? It's hard to say. ...
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disappear completely ⏳
I know this seems awfully contradictory, but it's nice to disappear completely. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. The irony is, of course, publishing this -- maybe you could smirk with me and suggest that it isn't so nice ...
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hidden
Suffering against other emotions uniquely fashions a portal. Though when it first hits, it becomes this null space. And the thing is, it visits everyone. Anyone and everyone gets visited by our dear Tartarus no matter how much they rage into the ...
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connection
What qualifies a connection to you? Better stated, when was the last time you felt lonely? Free from instant message groups or any interpersonal hangouts, I could certainly entertain a petition that, perhaps, I could be lonely. But you know, I've gotten ...
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freedumb
There are no more fourth wall breaks. This isn't a sideshow viewing and there isn't anything else to it anymore. This is just an honest conversation, one-sided and isolated. That's all. I can't even talk to people who text me, live(d) with ...
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forcing things
Hello friends. Another post with little direction but a sign post above: "forcing things." Perhaps you'd add your own commentary before reading mine. Maybe not -- maybe you'd be forcing it! The same as awkwardly responding to a meme from a ...
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family ⏳
Recently I [came across this week-spanned holiday.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obon) Honouring one's ancestors. It's a little funny, seeing as the trek into "adulthood" is sustaining a distance-aspiration: a studio apartment a few blocks from some convenience store and thousand blocks more from anyone prior. And ...
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failure
Hello again. Do you fancy this to be a pit stop? It'd be nice to own a gas station and have random conversations maybe. Though that comes with a bunch of liabilities. They say that if you can't write it out, you haven't ...
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expiration dates
On a chance so one may wonder why not publish anything written even a week ago. There could be arguments that, though you do change every second, whatever precipitated the last rambling probably persists today. But you know, there's an expiration date ...
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everything thus far
Whenever I come across something that'd be nice to write about, so I'm reminded how I already wrote about it. Maybe you can extrapolate about it, add a different lens. Though seeing as it already exists, more often than not I'm ...
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In medias res
I guess the word I'm looking for is Youth, though it feels a bit off. There's this unwritten understanding but I'm not sure if it has a word. Oh, I guess you could call it "glory days" I suppose. Glory days indeed. Would ...
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escape
When you realize that being around others IS the cause of loneliness, then it's natural to maintain distance and sustain some escapes. Whether that'd be through dumbing one's self down through some drinks, through shopping districts hoping for a steal, through ...
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mental debt
As long as you're making payments to the institutions around you, or friends, belongings: working toward a degree and promotion, well, you're swindled into this delusion you're progressing. It's not a lie to say you are. There are tangible aftermaths as ...
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empathy curse
How familiar are you with emotional blackmail? Maybe it's unfair to call it emotional blackmail -- most of it accrued through one's own volition, after all -- nevertheless whenever I dream about disappearing so I realize emotional blackmail is the razor-thread ...
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double binds
In an earlier iteration on my website I had a link hidden to the "double bind" concept. [Here it is for your convenience.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind) For the past week I've felt increasingly suffocated and depressed about what to write or why I even ...
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hide yourself
It's a lot easier if you hide yourself. Synonym of protect. There's little reason to explain yourself. Even if you perfectly construct all events prior to your current disposition, it'd be impossible for the other to comprehend the depth. If you understand ...
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do nothing sermon
Hello friends. The more I think about it the more a link aggregator seems unnecessary. Unnecessary perfectly encapsulates it. Don't you think all the information you have right now is enough? It's hard to say what exactly one does with ...
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disappear
Surely you've imagined the day where you disappear. Maybe floating over all the places you frequent, observing what would happen without you. Though it's sometimes amusing to romanticize, more often than not the world moves on without you. Maybe you're held in ...
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dignity
Though dignity has a potential muddiness, a way to bolster up a sickly pride -- let's encapsulate it in a simple property: Something has dignity if you can take it seriously. And you yourself may have no dignity left if you can't ...
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Different Worlds
In an attempt to fumble a goal out of some empty-field-running that is this website -- hitting the same dead ends again in vogue most definitely -- so one could wonder why would you even spin the virtual wheels anyway? If ...
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daughter
While roaming around these catacombs of neuroticism, sometimes a light pokes out through the cracks. Even if there are no more mirrors, still one can imagine those walking above. And with a thought about their shopping sprees or fawning over the new ...
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statement
It's not like I _want_ to write things. It certainly seems that way, and perhaps a little too purple -- but hopefully you'll give some allowance. Let's not exalt anything about it either. It's just a place to sort and shape ...
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Cozy
Whenever the word "cozy" comes up -- whether in aspirations, or pastimes, descriptions and fashions -- so lately there's been a surge of nausea to follow. It's not that the coziness itself is bad, but maybe after a few years passing ...
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courage to joy
When you get into a cleaner state of mind, where meditation is no longer torture time but, if one could ever dare, a pleasant pastime -- there's still some positive attachments waiting. When I listen to the cadence of my fan ...
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counterintuitive
Hello friends. Honestly there's nothing behind these words today. But maybe you could figure there's something behind wanting to say nothing. That counterintuitively when there's nothing left and no desire to write that's the best time to try. One can find ...
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puzzle
Hello friends. Hope your day went swimmingly. Sometimes I wish someone would bully me about my work ethic, or my lack of aspirations, or my failures in sticking to a routine. Bully me to the point where I would be driven ...
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Contingencies
I mean, let's be frank -- the whole "yeah do whatever you want" and the Negative Liberty credo works GREAT for peace of mind. But it falls apart when you start to venture out from the well-defined border of YOU and ...
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co-evolution
If this was a week ago this'd be a longer post but since it's today it'll be a half or a third. Nevertheless a recent essay read so highlighted [how we're in co-evolutionary loops, you and I.](https://www.henrikkarlsson.xyz/p/making-a-home-together) Interactions as moments to grow. ...
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cicadas
When a cicada emerges from the underground they only have 4 to 6 weeks left to live. So they fill our near forests with their call, maybe for something more. Other than laying offspring in trees and have it start all over ...
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christian neurosis
Growing up I was carted off to Wednesday evening schoolings about God. All in the pursuit that I'd get a stamp on the back: "You're [confirmed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation) kid, get outta here!" sort of thing. We'd sit in the bleachers of an eerie ...
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a way to feel alive
A phone call today and we talked about maybe how purpose is what sets one aright: naturally and steadfast toward whatever vision waiting. As long as you find a purpose you jive with, then maybe things will be okay. When I worked ...
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careless
> He who writes carelessly confesses thereby at the very outset that he does not attach much importance to his own thoughts Would you find any offense at the above statement? Maybe instead you could relish in it -- relish in ...
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why one may be a bumpkin
A long time ago sitting behind some high achievers so one may be forced to listen in on their idle conversation. It was nearing the end of the semester, and they were talking about all of their test scores across the ...
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broken glass
Hello friends. There's nothing to sell you today. Well, maybe it's a topic of consoling people. Sometimes there's not much to say, and you know there's nothing that'll make them feel better. It's real tone deaf dishing out any advice in some cases. Nevertheless, ...
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hearth
There's a mound of a park out on a major US highway. Clouded with mosquitos along the walk of its bay, so one hears the mufflers a few kilometers away. Yet it's pretty enough to drown out the noise. The entrance ...
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zoo
Imagine walking along a string of cages. Each an animal dwelling. You can add some physical variance to each stare behind the bar. Whether it's more of a cat, monkey, reptile or alien altogether. Maybe it's dusk out and all the ...
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threading moments
## Threading Moments The conventional (and easily confirmed) wisdom is the past has its bearings over you. Of course a habit of heroin will reveal itself in time. But I would argue this wisdom isn't absolute. You could shoot heroin for ten years, but ...
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straight A's to straitjackets
Maybe far along enough you learn about all the hoops you jumped through and how they're designed to cripple you. And we could both easily say yeah it was all about a game of obedience, hushing that inner light, that sort ...
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hemorrhaging identity ⏳
What technology allows is consistent reinforcement and security of one's general thoughts about self. You get whole timelines of your life, photos to say, "yes that was me" and all the people now missing. Barring the ever-evolving eventual digital tombstone, so ...
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delirium ⏳
When you read through enough about pages sometimes you imagine yourself as the person writing it. And then you wonder to yourself, why did I make all of these about pages? In this one I'm a designer from the UK, and in ...
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courtyard of dreams
## Courtyard of Dreams  While the suburbs lends itself to a few unique emotions -- continuity, endlessness, timelessness -- I wouldn't mind a port-side city with some barrel-checkers playing, grease-stained bags. I wouldn't mind having some urchins thread themselves through the crowd ...
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contentless ⏳
Game Design: an entire discipline dedicated to selling illusions of progress, achievement, mastery and ultimately meaning. Content. There are a stack of old consoles in my closet. The last boot, if I recall correctly, was maybe...5 years ago, I suspect. I ...
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closing hours
## Closing Hours  Never bothered to beat the above game, and on a lark booted it up to try. Not sure if it'll be continued though. Sometimes the linearity feels nice to chug along but when there's something clogging the storyline ...
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Blake or Ramana? ⏳
# Blake or Ramana? Recently I came across a video using a metaphor about self-censoring: to "clog one's system" with discarded expression -- censor yourself enough and you'll just keel over from all of the things (best?) left unsaid. I've written enough random thoughts ...
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languageless
Language are the programming blocks to one's "self" which is endless and elusive and expensive. Most conversations are taking statements, splicing them, and with a remix "contributing" something even though the goals are obscured. Most share the vague goal of "happiness" or ...
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letting go
Of the few attempts I've made at letting things go (with various success) today it dawned. Letting go means **remembering there's nothing to "replace".** I keep kneejerk checking garbage online, pure garbage, sincere garbage, completely useless garbage information. Forums and the like. Why? Because there's this ...
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interactivity as heuristic
While enjoying a leisurely night drive I popped on a couple dated pop songs, but I'll only reference this one below: There were a couple more to follow, but the pattern felt so plastic. Maybe I'm quick to trivialize the content! Nevertheless, every pop ...
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self destruct
This destructive part of me is voracious. It's neverending. And I am figuring out how to direct it. For you can keep on chasing the same items, blot all the paintings, let the freak flag run wild. But I just know it's a spiraling ...
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hope springs eternal
Hope springs eternal. It always does. It's [why I even made this site](/posts/open-ended.html). And today I forgot about hope springing eternal. But hope sprang again. To remember that all is forgiven, all can be anew, there is an infinite to our existence, hidden in all appearances ...
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familiar
While I still have it in mind, a thought I often entertain is the tree of decisions it'd take to unlock different worlds, new things, you. Could I write in a way that feels familiar? Do I seem like a lost friend? I wonder ...
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fall down
What's lovely about letters is how steady the hand may appear. But now we have impulsive publishing, text messaging, any entry revealing some shaking, some stifled breathing. Aha, maybe we're not so infallible! We both have a stairway we're walking up. I'm ...
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talk disillusioned
Sometimes I wouldn't mind having someone to talk to. But then I realize it's more like a mutual descent into nothingness. It's like taking flimsy sticks and hoping to build some sort of lighthouse out in these harsh island waters. Oh how much one ...
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softness
Sometimes you get a skewed toolkit on how to deal with people. Those who no longer care once cared too much, I suppose. I know how to placate and I know how to word things in a restrained manner but lately I'm wondering ...
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judge
Lately I find myself disgusted whenever I praise or criticize others. It's just not my place to praise or criticize others. And I don't want any either. I think the whole "Like" concept around the web is Pavlovian nonsense. The only validation you need ...
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hyperspeed
If I have to wave my wand around the thoughtform, the essence of what drives me, it would be something like a smokey bar with neon lights and harsh noise. Whatever concerns that once were the par-for-course just feel like delusions. It's all in ...
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honeymoon
A father and son walk along the shore. A little overcast of a day, but light enough to see some sparkle in the waves. Are those dolphin or shark fins? Soaked sand poking out travel-worn rocks. Beige with bits of white and barnacle. ...
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candid
The more I expand the less certain I am of what I am. Living without an identity, or at least an amorphous one, does have its consequences. At this point I'm pretty sure we all can convince ourselves of anything. So I could certainly convince ...
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found out
Recently was reading a mystic's account of their life, at least an overview. Four score or four years and more. When I finish the novel I'll leave it here. Who knows! But one thing struck me with as much surprise as the author. Upon ...
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spite
Spite is quite a powerful reserve when you find everything else all empty. Motivation, hope, smiles, anger, sadness, laughters, futures, others. When it's all empty there's this cold bunch of coal rightfully labeled "spite". And so spite is what drives me through this paved ...
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ends
What is the end of this? One is often advised to "sink into it" and maybe let the worries of the day be enough for trouble. Still... I am not sure what are the end paths, at least with this website. What does one ...
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impulse
Randomly I've urges to delete everything (again and again). Maybe it's an acknowledgement of futility. There's not necessarily anything to _extend_ towards. As much as this was meant to _extend_ it's more like a retraction. Receding deeper and deeper into a meal for one ...
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care
The reason you care about things is because you keep saying that you do. Sometimes those sayings are backed by identities and thus hard to let go of. So I'm not necessarily advocating to drop all cares unless you're on the eight-fold path. Maybe ...
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shadow
Having access to the shadow realm is tantamount for my existence. For anyone's existence. I think we all need a place to hide. To recoup. Reconsider. Assess and go forward. How I love being in the shadow. Such a tranquility. There's nothing like it. No ...
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invincible
A megalomaniac; a rather popular word. But, funny enough, it's only applied to fictional characters, villains. A pixel blip hit me funny today and I felt invincible; whatever the "I" is supposed to be. Where "I AM" is God. A messiah complex; but where do you ...
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longing
Amnesia is striking once more. The other day came with a bold declaration but some haphazard sleeping left me more confused than ever. I flipped through websites out of habit, but also out of longing. As much pain people have been the source of, ...
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crutches
Our mind is technically capable of producing an infinite number of worlds. With a drip of sleep you'll immediately see. Infinite worlds we construct, and we do every time we fall asleep. There's probably a leaky abstraction of the world right on us, right when ...
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kindness ⏳
What's it mean to you, that someone is kind? What's kindness to you? Most kind people leave me a little doubtful and I can't help find a little distasteful depending on the virtuoso spinning whatever flattery. How do people still fall for these ...
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dial tone
Imagine, for a moment, a hamster amusement park. Naturally you are shrunk down into hamster form, and so waddle around with the rest of the company through the chutes and escalators. The gravel is rather nice and it's relatively clean and there's even ...
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bravado
Sometimes I write out the title and forgot what there was even to say about it. Words are failing me lately, or I'm failing them. There's a failure at hand. What's the objective? None. All I know is that I am falling. The descent ...
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content-ive dissonance
Finding quality content takes more work than the enjoyment found therein. ...
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promise
When I hear the word "promise" I usually wrap it with "broken" but then wonder whose fault is that? It'd be nice to carry the promises in your heart as playing cards. Show which ones sustain you. Slide it right across the table and ...
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night
I'm not even sure if I want to put into words how much I love the night. Surely you find some love for sunsets too? Many make it out all melancholic but that's no fun. I will admit that the sunset is ...
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ache ⏳
I'm not sure where this longing comes from. With a lazy enough day it pops up as a drift through the open door and shreds you up enough to give up closing up. Glossing over whatever pixels. Left behind by yourself. Leaving ...
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nowhere
When you fade into the background long enough there's this lovely opportunity to see any strings around you severed. They're all severed. And you may not believe it, and you may want to tie them back on you, but just look at them ...
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other
What's the 'other' you're looking for? What's the 'other' that's missing? As long as one keeps searching for that 'other' most people or things become rather unpleasant. For the unpleasantness extends from the self. It's no longer just passing by or being around; it's ...
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haphazard
This is just another whim, you could say. Just simply 'being' on this web-page. Whether I 'be' here tomorrow or several days after is of no matter. For the past week I was half-convinced it doesn't matter, and in fact could distract from ...
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is, so
A common conversational property often centers on what 'is' rather than what's to come, what to make of it, where to take it: this is the essence of dull. Lots of 'is' but no 'is, so...'. You can keep talking about what 'is' ...
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sidelines
This could be considered a sideline post. And you could categorize it as a sideline read. And whatever sideline results that come aren't necessarily so sideline in value. It is precisely through the meandering that ones finds all which they've been looking for. Only through incidentals ...
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replace
So many people in the world. So many! All convinced that they're in the center. Me included! But suspend that fact for awhile. Understand it in whole: 7 billion people purported to exist. Let's say it's a lie. We can go with something like... ...
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believed in war ⏳
A strange property about relationships or existence is how often one is condemned to watch another destroy themselves. I'm sure anyone reading knows a couple of addicts; I mean, many nations are comprised of them to snuff out whatever hurting reality they're running from. ...
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imaginary friends
Most innocuously and off-handedly they admit a prior friend may have been imaginary. More than once. You too? Many such cases. Each with a story and a quirk to match. A name! You could certainly shrug it all off. But don't you find ...
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restless
> Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord. Our heart is restless until > it finds rest in thee. Lately this set of words plays whenever I entertain that there's something more to the world today. Children of the Sun, why do you ...
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open ended
Leave it open ended and it'll find a way to haunt you. Open ended is the essence of procrastination, isn't it? > Am I doing this... or am I not? Open ended is how a lot of lives unravel. > Why am ...
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expanse
What do you see when you close your eyes? More often than not, all of the things you've ever known. But what of unknowns? So many out there. Little worlds waiting and waiting to open and merge as bubbles in a water dome. ...
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welcome
Hello again. Or is this the beginning of a goodbye! Have a seat, have a seat. You certainly were never the type to wear a coat. A clever way to skip formalities. Well, yes, I am a little surprised you bothered to drop ...
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tragedy of love
The worst thing you can do to someone is to say they're okay. That they're doing fine. And they're great even, wonderful. That's the tragedy of existence, really, of any sort of love for others. Because if you zoom out the scope ...
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Hope to remember
Gave some thought why I write these posts out. Why bother? Although I could list off some noble causes, raise awareness, hope to save someone else from the brutal lessons one incurs... it's not any of that. Likewise I could delegate all of ...
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Videogames basically
# The Faceless Factory One of the games I spent several years on -- and rightfully so -- would be Team Fortress 2. Team Fortress 2, with how much time I spent on it, and its place in the videogame drug pipeline, leaves me ...
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Terminal
# Terminal Three images come to mind, reading "Terminal" unprompted. - Airports - Life-support - Computer Prompts Versatile word! But, despite its range, it'll always be accompanied by a morose curtain drawn. Never to stand on its own. Either lifelessly recorded in an instructional beginner's tech post ...
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Scars
# Scars I like to think that we can heal our body and mind as though new. Maybe that takes out the consequences of living vile but maybe that's offset by the time spent getting there. Pressure makes the diamonds though maybe ...
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Processes
# Processes Though the proclaimed champions of our era enunciate out the importance of goals, I think the sad thing is that most of the time there's a misery being swept up. I remember watching a video about a guy talking about ...
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Maze ⏳
# Maze I've never experienced a hedge maze. An artifact of the western states I would imagine. Usually of corn stalk, or pure leafy hedge for the devoted. Well, I've never walked one, but I would imagine it to be the same ...
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Conflict
# Conflict Most interactions are a clash it seems. As though we want to all conveniently forget that. But every time there's always a bump in the road, a bump in ideals, and some lacerations you wouldn't ever know. If you're going to deal ...
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Dead Garden ⏳
Do you remember your last play-pretend game? Sporting superpowers and shooting cars to prevent your intel from getting snatched. The car seat cushioning was fuzzy, soft, and equipped with flexible enough seatbelts. When I got out of the car that day I didn't ...
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Belonging ⏳
It's strange to come across some commentary about [communities decomposing](https://bus-stop.net/) though maybe it's a part of an online campaign somewhere. Anyway, the central dilemma: you no longer belong now, right? Whether because you changed, or the fresh blood ruined how things ...
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Time is a psyop
With enough revolutions around the Sun one forgets that's how years actually work. They're revolutions around the Sun. We're counting how many times we make the trip around the Sun. People may say it casually, but really chew on it. If the orbit of ...
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Taunted ⏳
Sometimes I just want to state the obvious because otherwise it doesn't feel so obvious anymore. One obvious fact no one can rebuke is that the *internet is **virtual***. Simple enough, right? But what are the *consequences*? More aptly, what are the consequences of you ...
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Sanity's Stairwell ⏳
There have been occurrences where I unravel and am met with dismay or concern and a suggestion to see a psychiatrist. But I understand why, and keep myself at bay. By no means unhinged, just willing to entertain *anything* at all with how ...
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Rejuvenate
Each one of us houses a Slump now and then. So comes a lack of energy and other eccentricities for the home. Seasonal change unbolts the door, or [heavy winds make rubble out of wall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW23zyx28OQ). Such entrances seem to be, at best, a partial ...
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Pure Stream
It is easy to believe that the self is unknowable. To accept a vague sense of helplessness as it shirks responsibility. After acceptance --- though you must subject yourself to swings of emotion, of people, of horrid realities --- you'll feel justified to ...
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Principle
Principle: A most important idea in your life. Principle derives from *principia* in Latin, which means first, foremost, leading, chief, or most necessary. > We asked people what the most important thing was to them. Very few > responded with principles. Most people responded with ...
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obeisance no longer ⏳
I've held a detached tone for a good while in the hopes of maintaining some sort of impartial persona, but that whittled away as the world dissolves around me in its marshmallow fish tank. For I'm not sure who I'm deferring to anymore. ...
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Not Designed to Last
Recently stumbled across [this phenomenon](https://jeffhuang.com/designed_to_last/) that many sites take on. Despite being someone who wants you to take on ideals, some ideals definitely nudge you toward non-confrontation of reality. I believe this ideal is one of them. The premise is well constructed. There's a frustration ...
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Neighbor, Enemy, Friend ⏳
Although I ceremoniously stated that it is within my interest to help you along, to get you up to speed, to spin the wheel of minds and get somewhere, it is unfortunately a lot more nuanced than that. And I'm struggling right now ...
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A meeting of moods ⏳
Lately I've attached music to whatever musings written. Maybe I wanted to convey something between the lines with that attachment, but I think it's because of moods and how they meet. With how volatile most peoples' moods are, I am surprised we manage ...
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A Million Dollars
How much is your time worth? How much would I have to pay you to sit there and do nothing for an hour? A month? It seems like an absurd question and this post was originally going to be titled addiction or absorption or ...
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Metaweaver ⏳
Imagine piles of sand scattered about the shoreline of your mind. They're crumbles of worry, pain, incessant nagging and other ailments. And now introduce the waves, lapping at the shore, slowly whittling it all to nothing. The seagulls coo, the bubbles gorge upon ...
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internal locus
After a couple of bike rides and aimless computer sessions I've been reminded about internal vs external locus of control. Internal is where you believe you control your circumstances, and external is the opposite. While one thinks they've an internal locus of control, external ...
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Lifeforce
Man can't sit alone quiet in a room because to live is to direct your attention, which could be more aptly labeled your life force. You become almost sick with energy if you keep still too long. There is nowhere else to flow ...
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Karamazov Quote
> "Listen! I took the case of children only to make my case clearer. Of > the other tears of humanity with which the earth is soaked from its > crust to its center, I will say nothing. I have narrowed my ...
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What isn't
My car didn't conk out today. It's what I usually think about when I'm on the road, or after it starts up. And although it first feels trite, every time I use my car I get a dot of gratitude with it. It is ...
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Inside-out
Here's another strong concept to always embrace lovingly: _that which you emit turns back on you_ if you aren't careful. I'll have to explore this further to conclude. It's still a bit concerning, although maybe not so accurate depending on what's expressed. Nevertheless, it's ...
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Imagination as Gateway
What do you see when you close your eyes? Some say darkness in jest, although there's a seriousness in-between the lines. It's a trifling matter anyway: to what advantage is there inhabiting that private world? But lately I think it means everything. With your ...
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The Grey Zone
Although I've stopped my "net detox" there is one lingering conclusion. And it isn't exclusive to the net: a set of activities which I would deem **The Grey Zone.** Grey Zone activities are stimulating, yet numbing. Engaging, yet undemanding. I briefly touched on this ...
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A Glimpse of Eternity
The other day I was biking, and I have my usual route. Along this route there's a segment of land. It used to be a playground, but all that's left is a long slab of concrete, where the basketball court used to ...
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Everyone's Neurotic!
For most my life I've *let myself* be afflicted with nonsense and ethical questions and swallowed my [spite whole](karamazov.html) into what is the memory complex of today. And I thought I was doomed. That I suffered some horrible karma from a past life. Hand ...
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Embrace, don't Escape!
Now that I've gone down almost a neo-Luddite path with this net detox stuff, coupled with a disdain for most social media --- especially imageboards --- it's natural to wonder, "Why in the world are you making another supposed imageboard/social?" It makes no sense ...
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Electric!
There's a flood of sparks every moment you move muscle. What a strange thought. To be [bio-electric.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Action_potential) And it doesn't stop there. Now you got a keyboard in hand too. A mouse and screen. Staring at black holes most of the time. Is it ...
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Dissonance
I edited [two](stairway.html) [posts](courage.html) and think the reasoning is worth sharing. **We often mistake cynicism as wisdom.** Certainly I have for a long time. That if you can see through the seams all of the pain and futility most people get through each day ...
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Dare to Dream
Now I finally get why everyone loses their spirit as they grow older. It's because they dismissed the seemingly asinine advice, "Dare to Dream!" They instead let everyone else do the dreaming for them and wonder why they aren't alive anymore. If you're hooked in ...
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Unscripted Courage
The manic-pixie girl trope claws at this desire: a forceful existence that torches everything which *inhibits*. She embodies what many wish they could do or be. A free spirit, a lighter, kerosene. Envy transfigures into a love for what *seems* unreasonable. And unfortunately, Codifying ...
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Off The Cliff ⏳
[あのね、](https://youtu.be/F64yFFnZfkI) If you ever held the soft-bind of Catch-22, it displays a contorted red body. Left corner. I believe it to be a chalk outline of some crime scene. Still, a sun-dried tomato red with some butter mixed in, garlic for an outline. Plastic ...
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Change ⏳
Yeah, yeah, we have to resign ourselves to change. And we both went through the years, each day passes almost in tandem. But what boggles my mind is how little actually changes. It's the same machine! Binge watch many shows and stay the same. ...
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Building Steam
In today's world we don't suffer from fulfilling desires, we suffer from *a lack of desire*. You have all the tools you want to create, but there's struggle of creation itself (at least in my case). With [our theory of emotion](/posts/pure-stream.html) and its consequences ...
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Calm
Conservation of energy reigns over electricity, heat, and the like. What about emotion? Considering how we transmute the Sun's light, the selection of potential material leaves plenty possibility. So let's investigate the *emotive currents*, material of emotion. A popular adage is that alcohol steals ...
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Broken Concrete ⏳
Lately I've been wondering why it's easier to avoid people. And why I keep hovering over the delete button to run away, even if this site steadies me (or is that a lie I feed myself to avoid larger things)? The last thing ...
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Bored!
For a class long ago I once wrote about boredom. A small essay, wasn't particularly worth much. In that essay I considered that **those who are bored aren't trying.** They're just not trying. With many actions and mode shifts one could swat away ...
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An Experiment
Although aching to work with creativity, I've no outlets to do so. So, the experiment here is to freely express myself despite consequences. Will this sprout? Time will tell. What better way than to make a neocities site? [I just want to express myself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HORLJvUMs08) --- ...
