“One last question to satisfy my idle curiosity. What has been going on in your mind during all the years when we listened to music together, read the Crito, and spoke together—or was it only I who spoke—good Lord, I can’t remember—of goodness and truth and beauty and nobility?”
Testimonials
That party on your private yacht was amazing. Hit me up again sometime!
You were so clutch in that third seed round. Speaking of which, I want to run something by you...
Sometimes I wish I could be as arrogant as you.
Look, once you're done solving world hunger I was thinking we could go to Svalbard.
I can't keep up with all the super model girlfriends. Is this your fourteenth one?
Thanks for teaching me how to triple back-flip into the pool. Now everyone loves me.
I can't imagine life without you.
Please return my calls?
is it really that surprising you'll die alone?
Can you please delete this website already? It's depressing.
I genuinely don't know what you're trying to accomplish here.
Every time I read your posts, I feel worse.
You really think you're a wise guy, huh?
I wish I never met you.
Jesus dude -- for once in your life, do something.
Why am I surprised you're acting like this?
That's cool, I guess.
Do you even believe in anything?
You really are a bitter one, aren't you?
Still can't believe you outbid that Saudi prince.
Everyone at the retreat is still talking about your uncomfortable 3-hour monologue on meaninglessness.
Stop pretending you're mysterious. You're just tired and evasive.
I can never tell when you're actually being sincere. Your compliments feel like insults.
Do you rehearse being this insufferable or does it come naturally?
Honestly, I kind of respect the delusion.
You know you're not actually the main character, right?
When you die I look forward to shitting all over your gravestone.
What are you even trying to say? What are all of these words? It's like a mental asylum.
So goddamn sick and tired of this... soulcrushing energy you emit.
Congratulations. You've accomplished nothing. How many more years will you waste?
楽しかった (´･ω･`)
她的仁慈也變成我的了。 ⏳→ 老 latest popular last viewed
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One Shotted
A new favourite repackage of videogame lingo is someone getting "one shotted". One could imagine many applications of the phrase... whether a more direction translation of facing someone way above your punch weight to something a little more abstract. Like an ...
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Anti-Lurker Sermon
They say that modern warfare is psychic, yet it seems so invisible. Plain as day though: days of silence. A good way to measure how much you're in your head is to check how many words you've said aloud. Another way to measure ...
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State Enforced Autism
If compliance is demanded from day one, what is one to do? The cameras are everywhere. Cameras waiting in pockets. If a misstep in public social interaction or with bad actors means a reputation nuke, let alone a Gallows invitation, how ...
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Small break
Hello friends. Thought it'd be interesting to add a little bit of code today, as a break from more code waiting. In fact, this code could probably be used by you, too, if you're so inclined. This was prompted by visiting something ...
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Spontaneity
Perhaps a bleak of a worldview, but there's this image of how spontaneity often silos and it's so morbid. It's like an animated painting fed the shredder. Peering in so our supposed hero dragging another along toward anywhere, anywhere at all. ...
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Prison of Patterns
IQ tests predominantly test pattern recognition. What comes next? David Hume calls this the _is-ought_ conundrum. We program ourselves to believe that, with past as indication, the future shall follow suit. Because something _is_, well, it _ought_ to be later. Because the ...
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Unjustified
After working about so many consecutive years and how we hop along in the common exchange, "what do you do for a living" and other things: you learn to, however close you are to your extinction, **you learn to justify ...
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Truman Show
You know, many people of the West are, in most respects, cultural orphans. The cultural orphanage was erected around the 1900s, and from the fallout here we are. This could just be me being an economic gollum, most definitely, but as ...
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Delusion Maxxing
Fanning through what I used to write when I was real down, whatever remnants stuffed in the back of this site, half of the time I was seeking divine revelation. I was looking to noclip out of existence. Waiting for a ...
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being human
When I work on business stuff and keep the stiff upper lip, thumb pinned against the terms & conditions, so sometimes talking to enough customers I can't help but wonder what makes one so vigilant. Vigilant in pre-emptive defense. Why ...
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Romantic Individual
It's a Western inclination to apply all agency on an atomic level: after all, how else will you enact your freedoms? We can forget about the more covert, insidious mechanisms by which to enslave people anyway. We'll forget that and humor ...
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Titans
With enough rumble of the floor one may start visualizing a split. And as the rest of the area caves in, some thousand mile perimeter, so unveils a whole underworld churning in its own economic leviathan. Falling down and some ...
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Layers
One hard truth I sometimes struggle with is how there are always layers of understanding. I'm not sure where the opposite belief comes from; that is, to believe that if you keep talking and reiterating you will somehow bridge a gap ...
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Anti-Viral
I like this obscurity. Don't you? There's something towering and distant when you start scaling. What starts as a hole-in-the-wall turns into a Yelp Special with the skinny-jean whispering that maybe, just maybe, it's out of vogue. Even if they've expanded to ...
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Duality_e2
We had a turquoise van as a family. Six seater. Eight if you tried. The plastic detailing had that ash scratch-in, whether from the sun or endless sets of sneakers departing. The fabric was surely some soft polyester. Some fur imitation ...
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Oslo
I can't watch movies anymore but one movie that stays with me is _Oslo, August 31st_. It captures that aimlessness and window closing of middle age. One of my favorite scenes is where the main character gets caught in the sunrise amongst ...
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Efficiency -> Low Energy
The issue with fixating on allocation, whether in schedules or factories, adjunct time and resourcing (social venues too even), sure, it's practical, but it's a race toward Low Energy. If you ask anyone who does interesting (and difficult) stuff, whenever the ...
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AI as gasoline
Obviously AI is bad if you like the status quo. But who actually likes the status quo? It probably does a lot of psychological damage, and even now there are fringe groups wondering when we'll get some 1 and 0 ...
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It's actually real
It's a common inclination to dismiss internet usage and its sewage. A fringe thing. One may even get mad talking about it, as some banal reflection best hidden. That it's always, at best, a weird enclave to find distance from, let ...
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Identity Theft
There's no point stressing about it. I think that's the whole ploy anyway: you aren't supposed to have an identity. Living a long while without identity, why not make up another? You can be anything you want. Another identity, mixed from all the ...
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Hyperspace
It's fascinating how many spheres of "everything" exists. Magnitudes held within a lifespan, where some epicenters hold their own candle. A _Post Malone_ shuffled radio and walking along some Miami beach-side pool or now a stadium shaking _Terrible Towels_ and a casket ...
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Low Class Authenticity
It seems the more "rugged" you appear the more "authentic" you'll come across. Whether this is due to being also "low class" it's hard to say. Low class people are more intertwined with their emotions and anger and lots of fuck yous ...
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Coin Proxies Nature
Often I think about how an advanced society's economy acts as a loose proxy of Nature. Most of the time. After all, animals in the wild spend many cycles on furnishing their lodgings and storing resources, if they're a storing type, ...
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Substack Maxxing
Whenever one has the pleasure of a Serif font with the ballooned text size and the coveted pop-up, yes, so one can wonder whether to add their own footnotes. Add a link to their own ballooning page. Fanning through the reputable ...
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Internet Cruelty
Would you ever think unguarded Internet access is actively harmful? Sometimes the history books get rewritten and there's probably a parallel history passed between hidden hands on how the world actually works. It's real hard to look truth right in the face, ...
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Technological Spite
I bought this "MX Master" shilled mouse for Mac because I'm a disgusting iToddler and whatever. Almost two years ago. I bought it and it works for the most part. Well, except for the fact that the left click -- that is, the ...
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Silence is the Ruler
Before sleep so I contemplated yet again about video games. Something of which I am convinced I ran and categorized every facet previously. Yet some topics naturally encourage retracing all the directions one can take. To mix and weave conclusions, maybe. One ...
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Western Doublespeak
As an underbelly American I sometimes struggle to understand how much American culture infests the world, whether West or East. Embeds itself, whether in catch phrasing or political discussions. Fervent foaming. We could chat about whether these exported medias are _the ...
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Neverything
I sit here, fanning through random ideas of things to do. Just random things, nothing significant. And I sit there, I sit there and think it all through, until I think, well, there's no profit to be had, what a waste of ...
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Timeline: Missing
Perhaps it was Facebook which debuted deigning the central feed "The Timeline" but coming across someone using the word as such can't help but make a smile about it. Because, after all, what once was a timeline now is an endless ...
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Leicester
They always put Sprite right next to the 7Up, as though a taunt to those who drink either or neither. And I always pray that they remain apart, and they don't, and I really needed a pick-me-up that day. I was ...
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Enchanted
Let us see through a glass spritely! Let the glint defuse across the dome above, us incased, perhaps shook a bit for some artificial snowflakes but no worries, we can contort up a paper cut snowfight infused in a shiver ...
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Individualist Descent
In nature, the individual does not exist. If it does exist, it does not exist for long. Fast forward a hundred years and every "individual" is gone. Within those hundred years so any espoused individual today bludgeons along, patching up the mental haywiring ...
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thought experiment
One thought experiment I always keep in the back pocket is, what if everyone was in bliss 24/7? Most of people are motivated with an embedded promise in their ventures: this will be interesting, this will be fun, this will make ...
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Legacy
In a more naive world view so one could think about all the lives they affected. From school cafeteria clerks to intermittent study groups. Before dismissal. In a more practical lens, once one dies, so who cares what is left and remembered? Legacy ...
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Sayonara Ponytail
When I used to lurk some older, more obscure imageboards there was a music thread. And posting so often, clicking around, someone inevitably shared this band. Another thread talked about other imageboards closing, an anxiety about this one going, some regret knowing ...
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Pnin
This was Nabokov's "breakout" novel that "launched him" into stardom, at least so Wikipedia states. It's why it was selected to read and review, too, though one can wonder what exactly makes a book a "launch" for any author. Doubly so in ...
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The Rings of Saturn
It's been a long time since I've written about a book. The last time I bothered to extensively write about a novel would be sometime in highschool for an AP course. Choose a few books, write a summary -- I think ...
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The Joys of Greyscale
Why, exactly, is this site passed through a greyscale filter? If you'd like to join, all you need to do is add this: ```css html { filter: grayscale(100%); } ``` In some respects, it could seem distasteful. Even conformist. After all, the modernist trend of grey ...
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Comfort from a distance
Nightwalking around so one follows scatters of light. Through windows or street poles, or those somewhat cheesy lantern-esque ones hanging off the mail center. It felt like some artist etched them in for the evening, bit of a smudge, and they're tracing ...
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A Prior Eye
Scavenging to the local Publix so a magazine line featured a Minecraft cover, captioned as "The Game That Captured The World" or some other dramatic match. Light fixtures sparsely flickered, whether due to some automatic electricity savings or because the ...
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An Institutional Man
For the first few years instead of lockers you get your cubby and throw it in, a Power Ranger backpack design. Stumble over to a chair no higher than a foot. Foot and a half. There was a harmony and the ...
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Lurker Elegy
Some could argue those who contribute online may be a little unhinged. If not unhinged, then at least opportunistic, manipulative -- understanding this is a psychopathic battlefield after all. A war of attrition for your mind. But of all who post online, perhaps ...
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Venetian Glare
For thousands of years so walks among us: an elevated being, however scarce. Shuffling through the bazaar, under an arch of artery, so one can wonder how much paper and contract bind the walls. Wander some more toward the port and ships ...
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Online Connections
In lieu of my last entry, so I started to wonder whether my disposition on internet contact is smart or suicidal. After all, being without any form of contact other than old friends who know my number but are fed ...
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Spectre
"Excuse me sir, do you mind if we share this cabin with you?" So stood a woman at my compartment door, holding the hand of a tousled brown-haired boy. He stared so blankly straight at my face, in the typical innocent ...
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Psychological Violence
If you hand a child a choice between a dinosaur plushie or a blanket so it will instinctively grab for either one. You will rarely see it instead protest for a third item not yet presented, not yet known. In the ...
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Profile
Below is a detailed and critical summary dissecting the personality, interests, fears, and hopes of the person based solely on the provided word list from their website posts. --- ### Personality (Emotional Stability, Social Tendencies) The individual’s language is a swamp of indecision, ...
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Blood and Steel Brotherhood
I think it would've helped if someone told me that blood and steel is all you have left. Get to sink into workout, and how the physical pain blocks out spiritual decay and mental anguish -- to be at once ...
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Elite
It's an American tendency, or perhaps unrequitable ideal, to forgo class distinctions. Even if the oligarchy blackmailing majority of the political faces never would. [There was a study done](https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2014/08/07/335285098/rich-kid-poor-kid-for-30-years-baltimore-study-tracked-who-gets-ahead) to illustrate -- despite the shine of many Individuals everywhere -- that ...
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Dating: a psyop turned rogue
Seeing as any major hit piece media parades and vaguely we're here due to a long chain of elopement, however profane, maybe some evolutionary forces or ordained in Genesis, nevertheless one, surely, inevitably, eventually, may be in want of a ...
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You are the Culture
In our godless conceptions so Culture takes parts of its mantle, between politics and faustian capital. Culture... so elusive. Always being lost. Always being excavated by the clueless and whatever's in. But if I'm dragged around a historical restoration project, I mean, ...
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Nomad
The phone call made it clear we weren't seeing each other again. It wasn't explicitly enunciated, no. Though flicking through the other transcripts -- I often record my phone calls for liabilities, and yes, even those ones, but regardless -- there ...
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Graveyard
In a silver overcast so a teddy bear dangled along. Matt stared up while making the trek: he knew it by heart. Half way up the middle hill, two rows after the plaque bench. Inscribed about a couple who worked the ...
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Act I
Another walk round the park, more of a saunter, though with Nature never a drag. The forest morphs each visit. Even today I came across some five-petaled flower as a lighter violet, sprouted amongst the clover patches. Lately I've fantasized to follow ...
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An autocratic book club
Hello friends. Been wanting to read more, and though I've begun and have a nice selection of books, so I thought it'd be amusing to "start a book club" and add one more. Now, the "book club" I am creating here ...
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Martian Reverie
A rosecolor freshman evening I tagged along with some dormmates across the campus to meet up with other unknowing Baphomet worshippers -- their devotion shown through a liquor bottle display, credit card cocaine and finalized by our eventual destination: the ...
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Therapy Man
What! What do you want with me! You already know... I am a sick man, I am a horrible man. I'm certain my liver is diseased. In fact I've long since received a whole diagnosis, and I know everything wrong with me. With ...
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My Dear Samuel
I always did feel like I was making a beast of myself, most definitely. We all know how mean one can get. So never complain, never say anything as virtuous men of yore seemed so. Because, after all, writing is to better ...
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Global Cannibal
I lean back in my chair and swipe around on Netflix wondering what's it got for me today. Maybe more K-Drama... maybe some anime... maybe some, ah, a critically acclaimed Latinx film, courtesy of the Goya. Well, if none of those work ...
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Intellectual Disdain; Intimidation
> Modern society is in certain respects extremely permissive. In matters that are irrelevant to the functioning of the system we can generally do what we please. [...] We can do anything we like as long as it is ...
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Hill
She had a dot of strawberry ice cream on her nose, absently staring. I always insisted that she tried mint chocolate chip, as she disclosed it's the bits of strawberry which she loved the most. A surprisingly rare variant, and thus perhaps ...
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Modern Love Letter
While researching how to make mobile apps more and reconsidering everything (once more) so the top post of the react native subreddit had an app for couples. Tracking important milestones and whatever else. Anyway, a couple of comments had it pinned as ...
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Unneeded
When I was a lot younger sometimes mowing the lawn so I'd mull over and wonder why I was born. That if I ever had a child, well, I'd hope I'd have a good enough answer as to why. Since I ...
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Devil's Party
When I think about the gazelle thrashing about before slaughter, blood limping across the savannah -- do you think there's something wrong here? As I lift each leg over the emaciated homeless, needles still splain -- well, I mean, you can't ...
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bloggin more
Hello friends, in the spirit of ignoring the rest of it so I'll scrounge together a report. I've started developing on iOS. It makes me realize how much work it could be. I guess it's time for me to move to Malibu ...
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The Edge of Squalor
I'm pretty sure I wrote about this before but I can't remember. In any case, one of my favourite themes is what I'd dean _The Edge of Squalor_. One could reduce it down to the "fall of pride" and that's all, but ...
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Slim
As I mess around with the website colors so I thought about an old highschool friend. We were great friends, and it was funny half the time. But college happened and then they forever altered their mannerisms. The type of thing where you're ...
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to a new world; join the cliffside
Hello friends. Lately I've been romanticizing a new world. There's something that drags along with you when you get stuck in the same routines. It's fun to have a stake in the sand: to state resolutely, "never again!" Because nothing lasts forever, ...
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Warmth
One thing I sometimes crave is a cavern. Friends from long ago told me about a cave they went somewhere in Georgia, with some crystals in certain sections that a photograph flash could make lasers out of. When you're walking at sealevel ...
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Sharing
On today's nightwalk around the blocks so I ritually passed by the nearby apartment complex. It reminded me of the one I grew up with near my suburban slots. There were a few faces I knew from then, a few faces I ...
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neophobia
So another Saturday passed and nothing necessarily notable, other than the habitual, whether maintaining some idea of studying something, researching something, then scrolling around doing nothing. It's nothing to be mad about. It's not like you have to do something crazy ...
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Swing set
"Do you think this is the last time we'll sit here together?" I was staring at my untied converses flayed in the sand. They always untied themselves but that's because I couldn't stand anything else. "I don't know, what made you ...
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Juno
Do you remember the day we met? I never confessed to you how sweaty my hands were, which is why I couldn't shake yours at the time. And with the indifferent glare you shot upon me so never could I have known ...
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Which is Broken?
When I first started to grapple with the drop-out existence or the business existence or shut-in existence or cross-country existence and what it could bring, I used to think a lot about what was wrong. I'd think about it so ...
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An Inquiry
Hello friends. I have a simple question: do you wish there was anything different about neocities? I would agree half of its charm is precisely how it isn't anything more than it is. This especially jives with my uncomfortable level of ...
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blogger bloggin
Hello friends. It's been awhile since I wrote aimlessly, and I got some things to ignore, so may as well write here. It's not really anything, it's just nothing honestly. Sometimes I envy those who can be so open about their entire ...
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Insanity's Stairwell
When I wrote [Sanity's Stairwell](/posts/stairway.html) however long ago, so I made one critical error. Throughout the piece there's this assumption of a _baseline sanity_. It's in the very title: of course we're sane here, there, sane somewhere. Ah, how comforting it could ...
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Prole Life
It can be quite hard to estimate how _aware_ you are of the world around you. One of the few beautiful aspects of the net is that, in real time, you can see different _world views_ interacting with one another, or ...
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meaningful
Making a website is probably one of the more meaningful things you could do. And in some ways it's real absurd, isn't it? In a lot of ways. You would best measure meaning by the amount of responsibility you got, the amount ...
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horrible is great actually
There's always a vague inclination to be "a good person" in so far that you could wash your hands when you ever feel accused. Or you could bathe in the fact you at least did right by the entities above, by ...
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cleaning out
In an attempt to freshen the walls so I went through all the trinkets and other things, hitched a proper place, and inevitably found my _physical_ journal from ~8 years ago. If you are one to indulge in the journals of ...
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Virtual Exile
From: dave@cray-ze-manatee.lol \ To: mods@forum.earthwalkers.com \ Subject: Resignation \ Date: Tue, 7 Feb 2017 10:30:00 +0000 --- Well, I am here to report that I never will visit this website or websites like it again. I can't, and I won't anyway. ...
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Music Industry Machinations
I had a random thought the other day flipping through prior top 40 singles. It's almost like there are two gears locked together in the topic obvious corpus -- and we can ignore the more niche pockets but they could, most ...
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replicated
An interesting question: if AI will replicate and succeed at prided tasks, like programming and music or whatever else -- if so, what's left? After some deliberation one may suggest it is our emotion/soul/heart that's still left. That, in most ways, the ...
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Alchemist
One trope I find so amusing is best encapsulated by an opening of _Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood_. Beyond the typical bildungsroman dolly shots following the main characters and their evolution, there's a pivotal zoom-out overlooking from their father. The eyeglasses glare out ...
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Pillar
It was the same hill. The one with the dogwalk path circling, poo-bag stations pending, benches and two trees leaning in its center. I intended to run a half-circle as I always did, threading through the metal fences toward the shopping ...
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want
Hello friends. You're welcome to subject yourselves to more rambling, though ill advised -- seriously ill advised. I mean if you read the thoughts of another enough they may infect you. I'm just accruing notes but maybe you'll enjoy the aimlessness. Anyways, time ...
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abt me
hi! first thing u should know is that I have no name nor age. I do not have any personality tests nor interests. There are no quizzes for me to display here -- not because I avoid them, but because they ...
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weight
I was fanning through my CD collection. We were packing up, moving cross the country. It was the fifth time we did this. I'm saying we, but I just mean my pet and I. Sometimes other people are included, so it's ...
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has-been
for too long i've hidden behind the veneer of being up-to-date and current -- for too long i've pretended i've understood what you said. i don't understand. i haven't. for years. you tell me we're on the up-and-up. meanwhile i'm smelling ...
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A sit down
"Mark, we need to talk." It was the same as any other Friday -- though luckily for the last year I made a bargain with my manager to sign off two hours earlier. You'd be surprised how much those two hours ...
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Vanguard Vestige
"Where you've been Jess?" My little brother was tugging on my jacket. "You gotta see this fort I made at least." It was a cracked version of Minecraft I copped for him. We had a few mods too -- some mechanical industry, ...
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Joker
Another one "landed". Tiptoeing and perfectly interjected between the benign suggestions of another appetizer or switching the bar channel. I had the table in uproar for a solid two minutes; I was on fire that night. Or so one would think ...
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blogposting
Hello friends, here's to another blog post. Been seeming a tad dazed, just enough noticeable, which isn't necessarily a bad thing -- there's no envy to be had for histrionics. Maybe there isn't anything -- I don't know, a rule I ...
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Goldfish
Gary got buried yesterday. I had _The Only Thing_ on repeat while processing his departure which, at first glance, was certainly expected -- he was pushing triple goldfish digits -- and, on second surmise, most comfortably distant. After all, it was a ...
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Peddler
Recently had a long conversation with an old college friend about their spiritual journey or whatever you wanna label it, whatever religion you wanna prescribe. Of course we're in the Christian variant here, but it's more buoyant to consider some sort ...
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Dating
I knew it wasn't the venue. Everyone loves the venue, everyone online raves about the venue -- I mean, it's a 4.9 on Yelp with a single dollar sign. Single. Do you know how rare that is? It's one in ...
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torch
While driving to the golf range to humor my father we'd had a Sirius radio and it'd be on some classic rock station. And honestly at the time I enjoyed it, whatever it was, Hotel California. And all my siblings would load ...
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Email
It's been five days. And after reading through the three mails prior I confirmed I covered all of the incidentals -- tea notes, park observations and school reflections. I even had a call out from our first correspondence, in an attempt to ...
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what's up
Hello friends, saying hello. I spent a few hours editing a post and a post after that but my intuition tells me that it doesn't necessarily like short stories for the same reason you may like blog posts: most of content ...
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Page Turning
Good evening friends. Hope you've enjoyed the year and you're looking forward to the next. Big plans or small plans, or just adjusting shopping carts before taking yours out. On the main page of this website there's an image sporting two doves. ...
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saveless
Staring at the _Ocarina of Time_ loading screen, accepting it's over -- so one can at least enjoy the mist and ocean blues. I leaned back in my chair and wondered about the central plot. Saving Hyrule, saving the princess as ...
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Animal Crossing
I looked at my "official" blog today, and it's not been updated since forever. I can't help but wonder how it'd be if I wasn't cowardly. There's a trick on the original Animal Crossing where, if you had a GameBoy connector, you ...
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pendulum
Unfortunately I often think of the famous phrase of how existence is a pendulum between boredom and suffering. It's unfortunate because it's a pretty bitter conception, but beyond the idyllic days of 100%'ing Guitar Hero I can't necessarily fault it. Anyway, I ...
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Everything is up for grabs ⏳
I was wondering why I was procrastinating again, or what I was even supposed to make progress on. I was always told that personalities are static; every jump of age retains the same base elements. But when I try to apply this, ...
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Graveyard Famous
If you ever had a liability incident where someone drags your face along the pavement just because you breathed in the same room, you'd probably agree it's unlikely you'd bother to breathe near anywhere anytime soon. To get proxied interrogated through ...
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Neighborless
While working on the current project sometimes I try to think of something else that'd help my general problems, and it's funny because there is no technology that would solve my problems, honestly. I can't tell if my problems even ...
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Chance of Humanity
Though the habit usually drops off, so upon a First Day into the Station or the Building of any city institution so one contemplates all the lives swarming around. Fighting for a spot in the next shuttle. You stop considering each ...
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Worcester
"But you have to live a lot longer in order to know that, right?" "Well, it's all the same, whether it takes five years or minutes you'll see," so typed up my IRC compadre with the handle of stixmix. My cursor ...
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The Regrettable State of Mobile Development
By some metrics some could say I am productive enough, but to my own bars it's much about faltering through each todo list entry. One such entry, lingering over for a half-year, would be to create some mobile apps for profit. ...
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2003 asphalt
There's a federation of concrete settlements, abandoned apartments spanning from Siberian outskirts to Malaysian investment failures. Clicking through the rotted Chernobyl buildings -- apropos for the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2 release, wonder if the title was ever a nod to Tarkovsky -- so ...
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Words as Eyes
I was thinking about a Salinger short story and while fanning through its Wikipedia so a benign suggestion written is how it's for the veterans. For the veterans it was written. Which is certainly how the short story goes. It ...
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Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
It's [a wikipedia entry](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bedtime_procrastination) and you could surmise the exact definition probably. But I'll spare the guessing: it's the label for the scenario where you _completely_ screwed your day, just ruined, feeling as a complete waste of space ping-ponging between lethargy ...
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Asinine Remarks on Maintenance
The a codebase I work on is approaching the few-years mark. Which is great, in terms of... its ability toward stability, supposedly. But when was the last time you've incidentally made a monster? Right now I'm working through a "hot path" in ...
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Random
I was researching compound bases in an attempt to replace sodium bicarbonate, but there's no shortcut to be found. Well, a few mild ones, but you'd be better off doing alkaline things elsewhere. I had this kelp supplement for iodine, but then ...
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Doing Without Identity
I program a lot but I'm not necessarily a programmer. And I may write a lot but I'm definitely not a writer. Learning languages but I'm no aficionado. Still, I scroll around a lot too and it took some reconsideration and painting ...
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Risk
You can tell someone is in a bubble when they don't ask themselves the basic questions, seek the basic results. This neglect heightens the insanity: some people get so fervent in their beliefs even though it's the antithesis of living. And you ...
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An old friend
An old friend left some signs, and I thought maybe I could say something, but it does feel the same as burning. The thought of sending off a message feels the same as touching the stove. It is too much, way ...
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Nobody
There was a roller rink we'd go to for some hockey sessions with a slot machine pocket right at the oval head, behind the goalie. A cherry wood flooring bouncing off lights and sync'd with random 2000s pop hits that were ...
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Firm Onlooking
How fortunate it is to be born in this age. Truly an onlookers's delight. Anywhere you click you can tunnel through the thoughts of those bold or (potentially) desperate enough to be understood, to at least _start_ something, but I've always ...
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Innocence Reprieve, or a Psyop Wasteland
In a prior era the inheritance of most men would be a farm, or maybe a village to be the bridge builder. Some structure, a mild respect if you aren't the drunk. But most of all a family. Extended families too ...
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Hot Reloading
The language I use for work is built off of the Erlang virtual machine. Some brainchild crawling out from Sweden and keeps me cozy running my servers. Erlang was built to deal with mobile networks, phones, etc -- and in such ...
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Little Trophy Champion blogpost
The other day I was reflecting about why I produce so much -- though much of the same circling around insanity, socially daft content at best. Writhing around while there's a dial tone answer dangling right ahead all the time. ...
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Definition
One way to enlightenment, as prescribed by the elect, is to see that nothing can be defined on its own. Everything finds its definition in the other; there is no independent reality. By extension, because everything is intertwined, so separation is ...
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take twenty
Right now I'm in this dazed and confused phase that comes again -- I guess it comes right after the biannual aneurysms a few weeks back. When I'm in this mood, nothing really matters but it's nice. It's a comfortable indifference. But ...
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Relief
I'm not much of a sucker for fanning through memories -- but there are a few that I don't mind a visit. Whether because it seems so detached or that it has a life of its own. The foreignness can come as ...
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NWaves
So I needed to create an account for some Google service and reused an old email. The email you make when you have no clue what it means, it's your first after all, probably provisioned by a parent or teacher, and ...
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voice
Recently I was reevaluating how I learn languages. Most enthusiasts take a textual approach, and it's not like this is entirely wrong. Having a new script to ground you and leave a door open to reading however incidentally -- of course ...
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Owls
Deep into the neighborhood comes a bend where some owls lurk. You'd best come along around 9 to 10 and they'll stare you down. Screeching about nothing. It's a nested spot where little to no light comes in, just trees and ...
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blogposting
Recently I was invited to a wedding, and you're the first to know -- no set date, but I guess this is when you wonder where you've been for the past five years. I mean, of course you know, but ...
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Royalty ⏳
In Wittgenstein's journal during World War I so one can find some entries of the typical despair, but not because of the front line. He was sent more toward the back, upon the Vistula river -- the _Goplana_ so the ...
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Alone with God ⏳
A long time ago when this neurosis hit so I wrote in a journal about how you technically aren't ever alone. Which is the funniest thing, seeing as that's what likely motivates any sort of vibrating around, whether with friends or ...
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Tutorial Island
When World of Warcraft: Season of Discovery released over a year ago, I had the pleasure of exploring the Alliance side of the map. Many years ago I only played the Horde, whether to be a hooligan or a contrarian -- ...
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being alive is weird
It is certainly all a strange ordeal, and what's stranger is how used one may get to it. Soon enough we're exchanging letters and _staying abreast_ of the latest news as if that's the perfectly honest thing to do. Then we ...
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Unintended Hostility
One unique artifact of living -- well, depending where you're positioned -- as the American is unintentionally getting a streak of hostility despite some warm introductions. Whether it's because of all the psyop campaigns, or just the reality of living in ...
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Times Square
Being the Florida man sometimes I wonder which parts of the states I'd vibe with the most. I'm sure you feel the same way, when you think about your position in the world -- namely, it's weird to _not_ think of ...
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Muzzle
Hello friends. Another thing I've been thinking about is that I like wearing a muzzle all the time. One may argue that this is the opposite of a muzzle, but believe me, all of this fits perfectly into the muzzle I ...
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Blog Post #121
Hello friends. Here's a blog post. One can look over to those making a perfect pose for Instagram, and one ought to wonder what that would've been like. Instead of the Anonymous Schizo Pipeline one could've chose the Insta Pipeline. In the ...
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Supreme Enthusiast
Hello friends. I recently started reading Faust. Now, of course, it was once a folklore and something you can vaguely know about if you have any German ancestry. Maybe something in the blood. It was revisited by Goethe and published in 1808 and ...
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fitting in
Whenever I have down time at work so I browse around the usual suspects even though I don't ever post anything other than this website. My favorite forums would probably be any programming forum, even if it's a game-of-fiddles that you ...
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Dying Alone
As the year comes to a close so one makes a modest assessment of the general operations and future hastings. Here is an honest conclusion, a clear conscious report. To proceed, one must acknowledge that anyone under the age of 45 is ...
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Tolerance is Homicide
The core credo most westerners grow up with -- at least one could hope -- is, you do you. Go do your own thing, whatever. It's so deeply ingrained that it's hard to imagine the alternative. But rarely has one bothered to ...
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The Go! Team's Cloud Atlas with Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt!
Across the American Nation so the first day of highschool begins under streetlight. And while waiting at the bus-stop you find yourself a little surprised at all the main arteries' streams of headlights. The traffic signals seem a little brighter, and when ...
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fighting
"What's worth fighting for?"---fun to wonder about, and certain when you come by enough passion. If you look at the soldier's motive so it's usually family or for others. Maybe a programmed-in sense of pride, domestic or national. There's a benignly painted ...
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Cathedrals
What could be said of a world without cathedrals? There may be tunnel walkways strung between high-rises, insulating the humidity and spreading the joyous commerce fatuously. Plastic bags shuffling through radiated asphalt mixed with sewer steam. There certainly are signs of life, though ...
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What it may be like to start your own company
Hello friends. For a change of pace -- and an acceptance that it's impossible to ever write under a Real Name -- so it seems like an amusing jump to write about Real Life things. Things actively avoided in prior seasons. The ...
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Blinders
Hello friends. Lately been thinking about anonymity. When you're anonymous for almost all of your life -- short stint of school-pressured social accounts to delete -- so the weathered shadow sits so comfortably on one's shoulders. The few times trying to Post ...
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On Why One May Not Try
A repeated observation is how _transient_ everything is. It starts in schooling, jumping from grade to grade and group to group. Continuing beyond, from corp to corp or startups too. If you're neurotic enough so it even comes with others, online or ...
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new
Hello friends. While having my bi-annual aneurysm I was ready to melodramatically delete my account like I've done 5 times before (not an exaggeration), but for some reason it feels like defeat. Like I lost to some higher forces if I ...
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palm trees ⏳
Seagulls in the distance troddling around. All the swimsuits daring a little too much. Please let us have some quadfold chairs and if today is the end then some amber bottles too. Sun radiating off sanded asphalt all linking staggered isles -- ...
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youtube game
YouTube can fill me with existential dread. Usually I can ignore it if I visit and watch a video or two. But with this channel the amount of time I'm thinking about YouTube increased tenfold. It's not YouTube itself necessarily. It's ...
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world
The point of writing is to prepare the reader to better endure or enjoy living. Lately as I write so I find myself faltering more and more. The river runs dry, waltzing on bones with the seabed. Parched and sauntering through this ...
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still wordless
As you can see there's a sizeable archive here. Lots of moments eeking out something, wherever it comes from. Yet even with all of these pieces -- and more scattered through other archives, physical or otherwise -- still secrets cloud the ...
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who I look up to
The same as music tastes so one may find their role model change through the years. I think there's a difference between having a respect for someone and wanting to emulate someone. I can't really tell you who I ever wanted to ...
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when will it be different
Do you think you'd know if you were a complete prick? I'm not sure. It's a common belief to think you're a "good" person. For awhile now I don't bother with labels since they're just painkillers or knives. But if you had a ...
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what's next
Hello friends. It'd be nice to share silence somehow. When you're reading some post, you don't get to see the pauses between each sentence entered. Though you could probably pick up some sort of methodology, depending how pristine it all presents. ...
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what makes one unhappy
After writing [about how to lose weight](make-the-connect.html) and thinking about what lurks next, I think I gave up awhile ago. You know the usual addict's justifications. Frankly 99% of society is composed of addictions. It is what drives the economy after all. But ...
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layers of walmart ⏳
Today I went to pick up vegetables at the local Walmart. Passed by the employee on the cig-break and dodged the watermelons displayed out-front before getting my basket. With the entrance I'm always thrown in for a contemplation, and a waff of ...
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gulp
Hello again. Are you feeling funny today? Sometimes I get that question when it's a full moon. I'm sure you've heard about how hospitals are a bit more on guard every full moon evening. Perhaps. Ah, I'm feeling a little funny today. ...
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Void
The zinger is "I was only happy when I was loving other people." And everything else is irrelevant. Anything at all! It's free and effortless if you want it. It requires nothing else other than some open compassion. But when I test it ...
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visceral
You don't need me to tell you how the mind is powerful. It's relentlessly broadcasted as some fashionable segue into more neuroscience or self-help jargon. In its usual presentation so it's delivered with a "but we're in luck!" -- a ...
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virtual reality
It's been a few humbling weeks and between those weeks so a revelation came swiftly, rendered as -- retrospectively -- an aghast obvious fact. Why, why, why do I type here rocking back and forth and clipping nails. Well, of course! ...
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virtual being
I miss alcohol for the same reason you'd miss any old friend: a way to spend the time between meetings. My favourite mixture was a White Russian, except with more vodka. I'd fill a whole Yeti® and savour the cafe I'd ...
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violin ⏳
I think it's important for some people to hate you. It's important for some people to unequivocally think you're a stuck-up asshole. If you never been called an asshole before then it's likely you haven't fought for anything. All assholes fight for ...
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the village chief
What would you do if you were the village chief? Maybe such things you'll avoid -- if so, then what sort of village chief would you hope to follow? Some benefits of such villages would be mutual trusts and plays. Ritual Thanksgivings ...
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unbridled passion
When was the last time you lost control of yourself? In a funny way, in a sickly way, or, for some, a sexually charged way: losing oneself is the catharsis so desperately sought. Yet in your reflections, tracing a finger over those ...
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tundra
Friday, friday -- inconsequential to the divergent. So we all soon approach the [Lion's gate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lions_Gate_(disambiguation))... Whether to hope or dread our transformation waiting -- well, it'd be nice to draw a war in the snow past this midsummer portal. Shuffling river, frizzled leaves ...
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writing styles
In a gleeful secret clicking around oh the things one may find -- the most enjoyable as journal entries. Well, depending. It does depend on whether the journalist isn't tumbling through their downward spiral until all thoughts are frayed and ...
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Treadmills ⏳
What better artifact of the Suburban experience than a treadmill my dear friends? When I was a real chunkster so my family had a spare one -- rarely used, dust accrued -- and maybe I'd walk on it bi-weekly at a ...
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transform
There's some American novel about bison herding through the winter. In an elevated valley, where the snow closes off its entrance and exit -- the only slot in a ring of forested mountain that'd let them take the bison back to ...
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transience
Earlier today I was wondering about some lack of aspirations -- traveling Europe, the Southeast Asian belt, or maybe Johannesburg with its turvy road along the coast. But you know, after enough flying around for interviews so strikes one night in ...
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tragedy of being known
Hello friends. It's been awhile. Lately I've been (as usual) entertaining a world without a self -- a world where there are no more I's uttered, no more references. No more past and history. In addition so the last weeks have been struck ...
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thorns of thistle ⏳
Even if I wanted to publish an email to extend outward toward conversations, my gut starts acting up and I feel all suffocated and dreadful. Dread of hurting people more than I already have, dread of fidgeting and my sickness infecting ...
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I chose the sea
It was another middle school night playing Call of Duty. The "zombies" game mode it was, and so it was with a newly acquainted friend. I can't tell you how many times we did play. In fact, I only got an Xbox360 ...
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temptation in zen
Lately I've been trying to disable any sort of prefrontal cortex impositions. Sometimes when it shuts off long enough, something else takes the reigns. All of a sudden this body was cleaning up my room, organizing and fully lost in some ...
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Synchronicity
Somewhere in my second year of university a long absent highschool friend dialed in. Sometime in the evening -- wouldn't surprise me if it was a 7 o'clock timestamp. This was a friend from middle school, actually. Surprisingly! Watching someone grow ...
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Tar
Hello friends. Maybe one reason why losing more weight is attractive is because the air feels so heavy all the time. It's heavy for good reasons, but maybe [we ought to forget those reasons.](/posts/surrender.html) But if you can't forget those reasons ...
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potential news
Hello again friends. After some reflection I've decided to buy a server and host random things on it. That's all. There may be a way to circumvent the server costs, so I've not yet pulled the trigger on the server. In terms ...
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surrender ⏳
Forgive me if I don't remember it entirely -- and how inconsiderate I may appear to forego some research, some confirmation, a quote box imparted -- but to spare you the details, I'll summarize a novel moment. An excerpt from ...
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sunday
What do you believe to be the beginning of a week? It was first on Sunday, now on Monday, but when you drop out entirely then it's any day you want it to be. Maybe yield the whole calendar to the old ...
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summary
Hello friends. I've grown sick of writing my half-baked aphorisms and abstract reasoning over vague circumstances. Sprinkling them between a day's reflection or a niche topic seems tiresome too. If the purpose of this website was to help you somehow then most of ...
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subservience
The other day I came about a Midwestern festival. Typical brick roads and some go karts slipping between stands in a sprawling grid of orderly love -- and as you catch the hotdog sign with its muted tart color composition ...
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Report to the Commander
[Systems online](https://neo.rasselas.xyz) and there's something cozy about its "resilience" -- even if that's a projection. Though a projection, so the system states, "we're here and ready" even if we're in the thick of a Thousand Years Peace. It's okay, the wiki ...
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song of one's people ⏳
It's first worth defining "one's people" before selecting the song, though it seems almost a chicken-and-egg problem, don't you think? Music is one of the most powerful binding mechanisms culture has to offer: even if conversations around it can turn banal ...
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Sobriety
Friendly reminder that sobriety is nightmare mode. Most the players around are at least sporting anti-depressants. If not that, then twitching around with reds. Some sedatives sprinkled on grease, hit a spliff -- cognac to follow. Whenever I get down I at least ...
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Smothered
No touching is, generally, an unspoken requirement. I think it's because it's easier to mask your thoughts when you wear enough cloth. Maybe there's something lost in transmission when you no longer exchange a hug once in a while. But I think this ...
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alley
Hello friends. I hope you had a nice day. Today was nice, I think. Sometimes I feel like I'm not qualified to judge. Things happened, and so came the night, but it feels like I'm losing the ability to have any ...
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avoiding sleep
I remember writing about how it's precisely in the meaninglessness that serves as a challenge. Even though we can all be starkly aware how these roads go nowhere. There's something critically different about our days here and days long ago. Maybe we could ...
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skill issue
Outbursts are a futile hope to change things; tantrums are the plea of the unheard, and unheard they'll remain, maybe even reprimanded. So it's learned to formulate your treatise, or at least seek enough power to no longer ask. Naturally a mistake ...
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the skinny theory
Countries with a lot of soft power amongst young Westerner would include Korea and Japan. Korea especially if society is a book of women. If you looked at the populaces of either, what do you notice? Well, you noticed the title ...
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treble
Hello again friends. Hope you had the day worth a lifetime. Today was filled with meandering, mostly. Mostly. I find myself keeping tabs on some programming languages I use, even though it doesn't make much sense. Oh well, who wants to talk about ...
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Silence's Embrace
Hello friends. Recently I decided to not have any computer sounds. In addition, greyscale only. You'd be surprised how easy it is to continue without any audio. If you want to watch any YouTube videos, the captions are good enough. In addition, the ...
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candlelight
Good evening! Funny how commentary turns into greeting -- "good evening" seems strange if you think from a non-English native. But maybe this sort of phenomenon is universal. I mean, there's buenas noches for Spanish, isn't there? Though it does literally ...
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point of no return
Hello friends. Another conversation with no real topic. But may as well write for a bit. There's a class of people out there that enjoy conversations with no set topic, right? Well they usually label it "small talk" and I wonder why ...
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shadowed flower ⏳
On periodic walks through the nearby park, whatever time of day, so it's usually empty. There's only a few passer-bys. More often than not one is with some silence. Though from those few it's amusing how much you can learn about someone ...
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settling
Hello friends. It's interesting how the term "settling" got all contorted to mean "discontent" or "given up" or something like that. Wouldn't it be nice to dream of the opposite: sitting still to expand one's home, one's home found in you, ...
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talking
Ever wonder where your desire to talk comes about? If you step back and wonder it is a strange little thing. Hard to ascertain whether it even needs to exist, yet it crawls through the crevices. Sneaks into a moment, a ...
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sensory deprivation
The reason why solitary confinement is so painful is because it renders all the senses useless. So if you aren't used to dwelling in some imaginary real estate, the clock turns sluggish and the thoughts crowd the room. In some ways, it ...
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schedules
Thus one's gears forge from schedules; conveyers fitted according to goals. Only through Schedules may one excuse oneself from the fluffier stuff. And from others wanting something more from you. "Look at the time! I must be going." It is the schedule which ...
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room for love
Hello friends. Lately I've been thinking about my condition which requires a comfortable distance even to the detriment of those who may care. For example, recently a college friend reached out through text -- and I understand not everyone likes long ...
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returning to dust
For almost all my life I've never really been alone. Probably for majority of those out there. One could look toward family, or circumstances -- the coworker leans back and gives a nod, etc. Barring that, you can technically connect with anyone ...
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reservoir daydreams ⏳
A reason one may not talk to anyone in private other than family is because of some strange intensity. Maybe a byproduct of family, but nevertheless the intensity sits around and waits to ignite. Conversations become contradictions, idle chatter to clenching ...
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replacing addiction
. ...
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re: monarch
Could you imagine wanting to die for someone? Maybe you can reach such heights once you make a family of your own -- maybe until then if you speed enough romantic bookstoppers. But even then, that's awfully convenient. Dying for one's own ...
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regular programming
Hello again friends -- from an outsider view this probably renders all a little absurd, and for that I must concede a smidgen. One double bind I struggle with is this impetus to transform the world while also being hidden from ...
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realm of possibility
Hello friends. There's nothing grand today. Sometimes the grandness is exhausting. This is a simple message serving its purpose: existence. That is, there's nothing to necessarily report. But maybe you're used to that. Aren't you? A lot of text messages don't mean anything in themselves: it's ...
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yosemite
Hello again friends. It's only been a night, but I thought to write. Well, it's more like all I can do is write. It's either write or work on things. I've been working on things this morning, it's a nice change ...
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rabble praddle
Hello friends. Hope all is well. Kafka once shared about how he writes because (an interpreted list) he can't understand himself, or because he wants to kill his inner flashes, or because he wants to reach deeper into his fervent fixations. Perhaps ...
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robbed, unburdened
> Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, \ > while the evil days come not, nor the years draw nigh, \ > when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them; dou·ble bind /ˌdəbəl ˈbīnd/ _noun_ > ...
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questings
When you're used to siloing yourself as the "alienated" even though in a likely fashion it's out of choice more than anything else -- what if you chose the other side? What would it take to end the alienation? Here are some ...
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Phantom
I miss my phantoms. Amongst the forums I would frequent so some usernames would crop up. It gives this illusion of visiting a town square, even though you're invisible. The imageboards I've since banned felt like abandoned dollhouses. Dollhouses in desolate ...
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puzzling
Of all the mystic books read, a consistency so found is that they still write in the first person. Sometimes they have a stipulation about it, that they need to take this form in order to be heard. Even if it pains ...
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purge
It's important to purge whatever once was out of you. It's important to understand you aren't the same even a week ago. It's important to know the other worlds waiting when you let go of these strings leading to nowhere. ...
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provisional living
Do you think it's provisional living if you're "preparing" for a life beyond? A life eternal? An eternity in each moment. The best way to compartmentalize all of one's impermanence seems to be the pendant of "we'll get here again." To ...
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Venomous Feminine
Ah, I love the cruel feminine. It's so contrasting and yet true. If you roam around enough you may pick up the languages before deciding this is too much, and to that I'd agree. There's like a second language between women ...
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afternoon tea
Good afternoon my good friend. Summer is dialing up, but the balmy blanket waiting outside isn't necessarily a downside, is it? Well, writing each day doesn't necessarily seem to have any downsides either, other then pressing into you the things you ...
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permission
For awhile now I usually take everything day by day. For a good bunch of reasons, but reasons not worth iterating over. It does work. Things are calm. Things are empty, and that's all fine and dandy. When you asphyxiate all thoughtforms and ...
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pen drops
If you do ever wake up at 5 a.m. -- ease into the day however you prefer -- so the sun lets you walk around a stiller neighborhood. A different one. Roads empty, and it feels proper. The convostarter of what ...
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past
Do you think you need to know someone's narrative to be close to them? I guess that's how it usually goes. The more time you spend with one another, so stories slip in out of relevance. It's hard to understand why sharing ...
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ordinary
Hello friends. Earlier today I was feeling vaguely thankful about writing. I guess I love meta-commentary about writing. Or maybe I'm gearing up toward writing something more substantial, however fictitious it'll be -- maybe one day. But what I love most ...
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Offhours Clown
Hello friends. One thing digging in the mind lately is if there's anything at all worth building/hosting. It's ironic since it's best to never do anything online and go read a book. Still, it's pretty amusing to know how to host websites/build ...
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notetaking
Whenever I have the fortune to come across an "optimized notetaking" workflow my confusion only stirs deeper. It's not like I'm unsympathetic: I've spent an ungodly amount of hours fiddling with Anki or my text editors -- but I at least ...
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needed clarification
I wanted to clear up something important: it's not cool or amazing or oh-so-unique to be a recluse in any fashion. There's nothing cool about it at all. It's a horrible place to be. It is stupid. There is nothing to ...
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Moving on from neocities (script 2)
After a few years of neocities, it's time to move on. It's a nice place. Comfortable. Obscure, at least in comparison to alternatives. A congregation of those not so outspoken to share their day-to-day and whatever interests. It's pretty great. So why ...
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rasselas' library
When I first opened this file to write so came a strong shot of dread and/or anxiety. It's probably because books can be the path to heaven or hell. And hell is a lot more common. It's mostly a solitary activity too. And it's ...
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Migration, other thoughts
Out of suffering comes wisdom, maybe! And what better way to suffer than to stumble through some blog posts again. Even though you and I both know what we need to do. Yet why not keep the door open? Maybe a ...
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writing reflections
Hello friends. Today's a reflection on whether writing to blow off steam is worth it. For background, I started journalling in the advent of highschool, since that's the moment you fall off the rails. Where you may confront those things ...
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melancholy's friend
Lately I feel myself straying farther from Those Above. Impulsive thoughts, uncomfortable thoughts, uncomfortable fantasies. Unsteady. Melancholic. Withdrawn, silent. As long as you ascribe to the Calendar Year Model, then eventually as one's "age" bumps up so does some uncomfortable emotions. Youth is lovely ...
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meandering
Hello friends. Here's another writing about mostly nothing. Well, not entirely, nor in the past neither: writing does help iron out perspectives. As long as you have one. I don't really feel like writing, but I don't feel like doing any of the ...
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maybe
How can youtube possibly save anyone? It's an algorithm destroying attention spans of generations. Still, the more I research about videomaking and the more scenes flash around my mind -- it's been so long since I've felt something like this. Maybe ...
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make the connection
Hello friends. When I lost a lot of weight, it wasn't because of discipline. And it wasn't to look good either, whatever else motivates. If that were the case, then I'd be going to the gym. No, the reason I lost ...
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low bar
What is it which stirs one to climb higher? Isn't it predominantly a dissatisfaction with the current affairs? What use is the eagle's nest if it comes accompanied so tritely with a "it's cold and lonely" -- well, why bother reaching ...
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love capturing
Sway enough into each day and find yourself automated -- to where you're blind to the cheerios poured along the milk to follow. Only then so it may be reasonable to take inventory when you can't see anything anymore. One can render ...
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website musings
Hello friends. I spent a good bit of hours looking through the [lobsters](https://lobste.rs) codebase, curious and wondering if I could host my own instance. Now, if you aren't so well-versed in hosting websites, fear not -- I will forward you some ...
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hedgehog
Hello once more for this day. I thought to report what I've discovered since writing these entries. I think I did find the suffering I was looking for. So, I think that's good. The conclusion was to isolate myself. I think the ...
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hands open
Do you think creating a website could be selfless? Of course it can. Of course. Though when one surveys the websites around... is there a selflessness attached? I certainly see such selflessness (enlightened selfishness) sometimes. There are a good few articles a ...
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Letters to Wieczorek
## August 31st, 2015 Dear Wieczorek, Snagged a deal and the landlady seemed pleasant enough about it. Here's a letter hailing from Lexington Ave, few blocks from Central Park. She told me about how she inherited this place and it goes pretty back, but ...
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A New Leaf
# A New Leaf I've decided to no longer browse the internet for the time being. Maybe this'll encourage me to make my own websites. When you have the epiphany that anything interesting has to first come from you, then there's no longer a ...
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Journal
## american schizoid # 十三 Lately I find it hard/exhausting to justify writing things. It's befuddling. But not really. I've written over 180000 words over the course of a few years. If that isn't neurotic I'm not sure what is. And when you frame ...
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this is [not] (our) story
Did you know the significance behind the + and - next to your blood type? It signifies whether the Rhesus D antigen is present in your blood. [Rhesus](# "Genus of monkeys") is Latin for something! The distribution between RhD+ and RhD- ...
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a joy beyond hunger
There's a threshold where, once reached, hunger ceases to bother you. As though the body gave up against your persistence to starve yourself. Why would anyone want to reach such limits? If you have access to food everyday, then it seems ...
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jyajyan
After thinking about it for awhile, the thought of supporting a forum and weaving itself into other websites sounds like a big obligation, and would make what was once a retreat into a burden. It would make maintaining this website dreadful. That's partially the motivation. ...
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intensity
Something I've always distanced myself from was coming off too intense, high-strung, however you want to label it. Did find some success, and however gently the moments go, nevertheless it keeps festering. Festers a festering to fester. I can feel the ethereal ...
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intelligence
Somewhere down the line I stopped caring about intelligence. I think it's because the intelligence which was "valued" in one's entire education is a complete farce. Maybe if you ascend high enough in the academic tower so the memorization starts to mean ...
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insomnia
It's pretty stupid to not get any sleep, isn't it? Maybe if we wrap it in an expensive term we could excuse ourselves from neglect. Feeling a bit horrible in the days to come, and you won't be all that ready ...
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imposing
Impositions are laden with contradictions. On one hand, feeling forced to do anything is, of course, most detestable. On the other hand, believing oneself to be an individual, isolated from all inputs, boldly facing the morning sun and affirming a, "yes, ...
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imagitora
Once you see how everything you could ever want will never satiate you, you have a couple of options: 1. Desire nothing 2. Devour everything You know what's the strangest thing about either path? They're actually one and the same. When I used to maintain ...
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i miss you
You know, if you look close enough, sometimes you'll find such twisted thoughts that it takes too much effort to unwind it. The title contains a banned combination of words, because it doesn't change anything, or only accentuates our supposed endings. Can't ...
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Checking In
Hello again. Don't have much of a set topic on this conversation. Regardless, thought it'd be worthwhile to write. However long, however much--especially since there's not a significant cost. There are no debts on my reputation -- only time between the ...
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one last hurrah before the apple rolls ⏳
Hello friends. What would your last letter look like? There's a queue of things I wrote awhile back, with a few filed in from years prior. But it's all on standby now. Standby, because... Which ones are worth sharing? It's hard to say. ...
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disappear completely ⏳
I know this seems awfully contradictory, but it's nice to disappear completely. You don't have to worry about anything anymore. The irony is, of course, publishing this -- maybe you could smirk with me and suggest that it isn't so nice ...
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hundreds
Looking through the archive so I discovered that, in total, 100k words were written (roughly). Leafing through what I once wrote (some I've since uploaded here) reads like a different author. Some may remain in the archive as it seemed too ...
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hidden
Suffering against other emotions uniquely fashions a portal. Though when it first hits, it becomes this null space. And the thing is, it visits everyone. Anyone and everyone gets visited by our dear Tartarus no matter how much they rage into the ...
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letter to old friend(s), or the amoeba grows
It's been awhile. Kinda weird isn't it? It's probably weirder to have a one-sided conversation and you're a memory mannequin but life's strange anyway. Should this start with a "do you remember" or is this the part where we have to fill ...
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connection
What qualifies a connection to you? Better stated, when was the last time you felt lonely? Free from instant message groups or any interpersonal hangouts, I could certainly entertain a petition that, perhaps, I could be lonely. But you know, I've gotten ...
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heaven
My good friend Balckwell, Recently read through your [Heaven & Good Things](https://balckwell.online/2024/05/09/heaven-good-things/) which I thank you for. Taking time to go through each thought line is something admirable -- here's to hoping at least a meagre extension won't be unwelcomed. No ...
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scales
Hello again friends. Don't have much of a topic for this conversation. That's okay. I keep staring at the corner of my room. There's a chair folded up with some closet light cast upon it. Through the slits. In fact, this entire ...
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Lollipop Lobotomies
Well, I guess I'm making some progress in this story. See, I think the irony of blocking everything is my difficulty in replacing it. This point is touched upon often but I _always_ forget about it. Too bad lobotomies won't fix ...
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Golden Threads
"Hey! We're talking to you. Stop looking down." It's okay. I'm used to this. "You're always like this. Take his backpack." If I just stay silent then in an hour's time I'll be home. It's okay. "Oh look, he's got a new textbook." They took ...
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funny daze
Almost any youngster today probably has a perpetual group chat going. What am I doing over here, purposely distancing myself from Discord voice chats or whatever else? I've referenced this through out other writings, but let's hone in on Discord specifically as ...
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fringe feelings
Hello friends. Reflecting upon why one would spin up any forum at all. After living without any sort of group chat for a long time it didn't register until today: group chats drive the virtual experience for many. That's where you share ...
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fresh ⏳
When I first watched the Mushishi series it was a dawn of spring probably back in 2013, and there was one of those tart burners with some lemon notes churning between the episodes. If you smell enough of those tart ...
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freedumb
There are no more fourth wall breaks. This isn't a sideshow viewing and there isn't anything else to it anymore. This is just an honest conversation, one-sided and isolated. That's all. I can't even talk to people who text me, live(d) with ...
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forcing things
Hello friends. Another post with little direction but a sign post above: "forcing things." Perhaps you'd add your own commentary before reading mine. Maybe not -- maybe you'd be forcing it! The same as awkwardly responding to a meme from a ...
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family ⏳
Recently I [came across this week-spanned holiday.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obon) Honouring one's ancestors. It's a little funny, seeing as the trek into "adulthood" is sustaining a distance-aspiration: a studio apartment a few blocks from some convenience store and thousand blocks more from anyone prior. And ...
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failure
Hello again. Do you fancy this to be a pit stop? It'd be nice to own a gas station and have random conversations maybe. Though that comes with a bunch of liabilities. They say that if you can't write it out, you haven't ...
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expiration dates
On a chance so one may wonder why not publish anything written even a week ago. There could be arguments that, though you do change every second, whatever precipitated the last rambling probably persists today. But you know, there's an expiration date ...
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everything thus far
Whenever I come across something that'd be nice to write about, so I'm reminded how I already wrote about it. Maybe you can extrapolate about it, add a different lens. Though seeing as it already exists, more often than not I'm ...
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In medias res
I guess the word I'm looking for is Youth, though it feels a bit off. There's this unwritten understanding but I'm not sure if it has a word. Oh, I guess you could call it "glory days" I suppose. Glory days indeed. Would ...
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another day to post
Hello friends, hope your day was everything you wanted. Mine was nothing special. I'm not sure if I'm going to write something everyday or not. I did skip yesterday after all. What type of music would you take around with you? A soundtrack ...
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escape
When you realize that being around others IS the cause of loneliness, then it's natural to maintain distance and sustain some escapes. Whether that'd be through dumbing one's self down through some drinks, through shopping districts hoping for a steal, through ...
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mental debt
As long as you're making payments to the institutions around you, or friends, belongings: working toward a degree and promotion, well, you're swindled into this delusion you're progressing. It's not a lie to say you are. There are tangible aftermaths as ...
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emotions
Emotions are pretty inconvenient, aren't they? They bubble up in the most inconvenient situations, with the most inconvenient color to hue. Most useless, too. I probably have this website because all of my life I learned that my emotions are inconvenient. When you have ...
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empathy curse
How familiar are you with emotional blackmail? Maybe it's unfair to call it emotional blackmail -- most of it accrued through one's own volition, after all -- nevertheless whenever I dream about disappearing so I realize emotional blackmail is the razor-thread ...
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dull ache
Hello friends. This may be [the last post](/posts/hurrah.html). Probably not. Ha! But I think it's important to go on journeys, virtual or otherwise. Though we think the net as one giant mass, there are hidden networks if you want to check. I mean, ...
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Dreamer
[...] Voices sure are angelic. Transcoding experience with some melody. Listening to someone speak will always remain fascinating. Out of some aether of will and thought to synthesize. Hopefully to something harmonious, maybe. And it's completely divorced from the frame I think. And ...
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double binds
In an earlier iteration on my website I had a link hidden to the "double bind" concept. [Here it is for your convenience.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind) For the past week I've felt increasingly suffocated and depressed about what to write or why I even ...
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Moving on from neocities (script 1)
After a few years of writing nonsense on neocities, it's time to move on. *neocities picture* It's not like neocities is only meant for blogging. It just often ends up that way, since its "_your_ corner of the web" after all. And ...
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hide yourself
It's a lot easier if you hide yourself. Synonym of protect. There's little reason to explain yourself. Even if you perfectly construct all events prior to your current disposition, it'd be impossible for the other to comprehend the depth. If you understand ...
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done writing
Hello friends. This will (hopefully) be the last post. So the question becomes: does one continue to use this pseudonymous name, or drop it altogether? I don't know. ...
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do nothing sermon
Hello friends. The more I think about it the more a link aggregator seems unnecessary. Unnecessary perfectly encapsulates it. Don't you think all the information you have right now is enough? It's hard to say what exactly one does with ...
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divine
After I completed university, and perhaps before I got one of my first jobs, I spent a fall afternoon on the phone. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what cycle it was. Most of my past swirls together in a pool. ...
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disappear
Surely you've imagined the day where you disappear. Maybe floating over all the places you frequent, observing what would happen without you. Though it's sometimes amusing to romanticize, more often than not the world moves on without you. Maybe you're held in ...
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dignity
Though dignity has a potential muddiness, a way to bolster up a sickly pride -- let's encapsulate it in a simple property: Something has dignity if you can take it seriously. And you yourself may have no dignity left if you can't ...
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Different Worlds
In an attempt to fumble a goal out of some empty-field-running that is this website -- hitting the same dead ends again in vogue most definitely -- so one could wonder why would you even spin the virtual wheels anyway? If ...
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decluttering neocities interface
The internet graces this ability to make a living all the while being despised by those around you. In the past you had to watch your step unless you wanted to be executed depending on what stage of civilization you were ...
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daughter
While roaming around these catacombs of neuroticism, sometimes a light pokes out through the cracks. Even if there are no more mirrors, still one can imagine those walking above. And with a thought about their shopping sprees or fawning over the new ...
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cycles
Hello friends. There's no driving narrative today. It's just writing a bit because writing is accessible compared to other Larger Interests. Larger in the sense of possibilities and therefore requisites. Some interests have a good bit of upfront cost before they ...
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statement
It's not like I _want_ to write things. It certainly seems that way, and perhaps a little too purple -- but hopefully you'll give some allowance. Let's not exalt anything about it either. It's just a place to sort and shape ...
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chronically online
I don't know friends, but a hello I'll start with. In my usual procrastinating stint so I browsed around [until I stumbled onto this post](https://ondine.neocities.org/sm). Of course while reading so one would survey their own situation and thoughts on the matter. But ...
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Cozy
Whenever the word "cozy" comes up -- whether in aspirations, or pastimes, descriptions and fashions -- so lately there's been a surge of nausea to follow. It's not that the coziness itself is bad, but maybe after a few years passing ...
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courage to joy
When you get into a cleaner state of mind, where meditation is no longer torture time but, if one could ever dare, a pleasant pastime -- there's still some positive attachments waiting. When I listen to the cadence of my fan ...
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counterintuitive
Hello friends. Honestly there's nothing behind these words today. But maybe you could figure there's something behind wanting to say nothing. That counterintuitively when there's nothing left and no desire to write that's the best time to try. One can find ...
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puzzle
Hello friends. Hope your day went swimmingly. Sometimes I wish someone would bully me about my work ethic, or my lack of aspirations, or my failures in sticking to a routine. Bully me to the point where I would be driven ...
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Contingencies
I mean, let's be frank -- the whole "yeah do whatever you want" and the Negative Liberty credo works GREAT for peace of mind. But it falls apart when you start to venture out from the well-defined border of YOU and ...
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Confined
If we're beings of light and the world weaves along frequencies or anything else, then what layer do words appear upon? I guess you could count the melody made when reading along, if you could. If you do subvocalize. Though I think ...
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communication contradictions
# Communication Contradictions > No one wants to hear \ > What you dreamt about \ > Unless you dreamt about them Of course that's the case. Why would it be any other way? No need to be sad about it, curse the selfishness ...
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co-evolution
If this was a week ago this'd be a longer post but since it's today it'll be a half or a third. Nevertheless a recent essay read so highlighted [how we're in co-evolutionary loops, you and I.](https://www.henrikkarlsson.xyz/p/making-a-home-together) Interactions as moments to grow. ...
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cicadas
When a cicada emerges from the underground they only have 4 to 6 weeks left to live. So they fill our near forests with their call, maybe for something more. Other than laying offspring in trees and have it start all over ...
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christian neurosis
Growing up I was carted off to Wednesday evening schoolings about God. All in the pursuit that I'd get a stamp on the back: "You're [confirmed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation) kid, get outta here!" sort of thing. We'd sit in the bleachers of an eerie ...
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checked off the list
[Previously the inclination was](lobsters.html) to create some "minimalist" forum software to collect links. But it didn't seem like something that enjoyable; that is, reinventing the wheel. Reinventing a wheel which may pop in a week's time. But with this domain name it ...
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a way to feel alive
A phone call today and we talked about maybe how purpose is what sets one aright: naturally and steadfast toward whatever vision waiting. As long as you find a purpose you jive with, then maybe things will be okay. When I worked ...
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careless
> He who writes carelessly confesses thereby at the very outset that he does not attach much importance to his own thoughts Would you find any offense at the above statement? Maybe instead you could relish in it -- relish in ...
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why one may be a bumpkin
A long time ago sitting behind some high achievers so one may be forced to listen in on their idle conversation. It was nearing the end of the semester, and they were talking about all of their test scores across the ...
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Brother's keeper
Hearing the phrase "brother's keeper" flashes some Middle Eastern history mixed with Mediterranean -- unfasten one's armor for a final night's rest before storming the citadel. It seems War and conquest naturally coincide to this simple Biblical tale -- a brotherly ...
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broken glass
Hello friends. There's nothing to sell you today. Well, maybe it's a topic of consoling people. Sometimes there's not much to say, and you know there's nothing that'll make them feel better. It's real tone deaf dishing out any advice in some cases. Nevertheless, ...
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hearth
There's a mound of a park out on a major US highway. Clouded with mosquitos along the walk of its bay, so one hears the mufflers a few kilometers away. Yet it's pretty enough to drown out the noise. The entrance ...
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boredoms
## Boredom Boredom comes from waiting for something outside of yourself to commence. That's probably the centerpiece of addiction: the variance by which others may alleviate one's responsibilities. But anything truly interesting -- to me -- requires that you're the central mover. When ...
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(blank)
Hello friends. Sometimes you reach a point where there's nothing more you can say. Though you think if you just keep writing enough you'll somehow assuage whatever is irritated, whether yourself or another. But no matter how many different ways you word ...
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bittersweet; desire's torment
Would you rather a story which keeps it honest, or one completely divorced from reality? For the last shot of years I preferred the latter for obvious reasons: why bitter yourself with a fictional coup de grâce? Now well versed in isekais ...
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becoming; alone
Hello friends. Here's a fun theory I've toyed with the few couple of weeks or more. The general wording is "you become what you put your attention on" but the far more interesting wording would be "you become what you hate." So, ...
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beautiful minds
One of the first hermetic laws is how > The world is all Mind However you want to interpret that. What better way to cradle a people than weaving them along all other imaginary fibres -- what better command of a world than ...
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arbitrarianism ⏳
Our Serendipitous (or a wretched unlucky) goddess so dictates you clicking on this, me typing this -- even the recipient I imagine I'm writing this to. Just from that alone so the tone of this entry takes its own course. Usually when ...
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alone
I was reading through the beginnings here and was wondering, is being alone so bad? Already wrote about this before, but it's okay to repeat yourself sometimes. What does it mean to be alone, exactly? It's not like all lifeforms are going ...
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agency ⏳
Whenever you open neocities so you're greeted with "Post a message..." and it's so taunting. Because you can write anything you want. And yet it's not as though it'd really convey the more complex emotional circuit. Even if it did, ...
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departure
Hello again friends. It's a nightly entry sort of thing. Let's see how many loosely related thoughts make its way across these pages. Well, what can I offer you then? Maybe I could auction some wants off to you, since they're ...
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about
Hello. What would you like to know? When I click on "about" pages, usually I seek any sort of markers -- whether red or green. The best "about" pages set the stage, don't they? After much obstinate reflection it seemed worthwhile to leave ...
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a new leaf
Hello friends. Whatever writing shows up here comes from a frenzy with a few quick edits after publishing. In a change of pace, spurred by the habits of others on neocities, perhaps it'd be worth writing and refining over a week. Or ...
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90ad5be
# 90ad5be When Wheatley left his job, he also left everything else, mostly. He woke up, stared out the porch, stared into the Internet's abyss. Time stopped meaning anything; didn't matter what day of the week it was. Or where all of ...
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zoo
Imagine walking along a string of cages. Each an animal dwelling. You can add some physical variance to each stare behind the bar. Whether it's more of a cat, monkey, reptile or alien altogether. Maybe it's dusk out and all the ...
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wow reflections
 Because of the recent "Classic+" updates it seemed interesting enough to revisit. The Gnome and Dwarf zone was most relaxing, most pleasant for the few minutes one was there. Walking through Ironforge and all. ...
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you arent real
Here's an insignificant contrast you could draw from your life chapter themes. You have the title of the chapter. Maybe stamp it as "Corporate Droning" or "Vagabond Roaming" and "University Growings" not that anyone would seriously use these titles. It's a ...
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wheatley
# Names Names are unavoidable in any story. Even "one's own." One could defer to a lot of "I-statements" and praise the first-person format. But maybe there's a lost art with the alternative, even if it feels repetitive and masquerades the thoughts as ...
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website divination
Ever wonder where the warfare went? Or maybe all that history is lies. Ducks, ducks, ducks. 33, 313, 3321123333 -- 55, animated sandies.  Sometimes thought patterns come real close -- ...
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violence
You know, when you think about Wrath, the funny thing about it is its fruits. I mean, none of us ever learn anything unless we feel pain from our actions. Unless you are in gut-wrenching pain. And I suppose Wrath is ...
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veggesom
## Veggesom There's an inn right along the center-coast of Oregon -- more like an airbnb -- with a pizzeria attached. A long road trip it was. Oregon just sparkles in flowers along Highway-101. Lots of variation. Some parts dip deep into pine ...
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threading moments
## Threading Moments The conventional (and easily confirmed) wisdom is the past has its bearings over you. Of course a habit of heroin will reveal itself in time. But I would argue this wisdom isn't absolute. You could shoot heroin for ten years, but ...
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mind the consequences
Usually when I write something on neocities I give it form within the HTML soup web editor. It worked well enough, and forced me to avoid static content generators as the temptation to write more nonsense would overwhelm me if ...
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straight A's to straitjackets
Maybe far along enough you learn about all the hoops you jumped through and how they're designed to cripple you. And we could both easily say yeah it was all about a game of obedience, hushing that inner light, that sort ...
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speckled
What funnier moment than some wide-eyed fixated on rollercoasters zooming above and around, wind carried -- what a strange twist of affairs, where the music makers look toward the wide-eyed wondering where they get their speckled outlook. Since Duty is the ...
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powertripping
which of the seven sins do you think is most addicting? Here's a convenient list to ponder: - Pride - Lust - Avarice - Envy - Gluttony - Wrath - Sloth I guess it varies with each person. You know why Pride is the ...
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more indulgences
# Indulgence # 9 If you'd like to imagine a roll of film, and see each letter flash along the screen as you feed it in--it seems impermanent, doesn't it? It flashes and dissipates faster than one could make out the letter's shape. Since ...
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loveless
Most of my day has been a contemplation about Desire and maybe that there are tiers to Desire or something banal about that, all stirred up by my most grave sin: Sloth. But it unveiled something more and I felt the ...
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littlewhere
## Littlewhere Else Created a list of sites frequented, only to delete it and get to writing instead. The main point is there aren't many places left to visit. Sometimes one could dream of making a website to add to the arsenal of ...
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linae
# linae Sometimes it's nice to write something, and after attempting to grab the first topic -- in this case, "actualization"-- it's getting to the point where thoughts terminate themselves. As though there's a mental immune system and it knows ...
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irony
I was trying to convey with someone why I don't like to have instant messaging and the likes. And it was again a broader brushstroke of how it sucks to invest things that have no returns. And yet here I am, wasting ...
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deafmute
Memories are useless, and nested folders of strange books don't help much neither. Talking is mostly useless unless you hope to have some sort of accountability. So, what's left? I don't know. I guess I'll become the deaf-mute. ...
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hemorrhaging identity ⏳
What technology allows is consistent reinforcement and security of one's general thoughts about self. You get whole timelines of your life, photos to say, "yes that was me" and all the people now missing. Barring the ever-evolving eventual digital tombstone, so ...
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delirium ⏳
When you read through enough about pages sometimes you imagine yourself as the person writing it. And then you wonder to yourself, why did I make all of these about pages? In this one I'm a designer from the UK, and in ...
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courtyard of dreams
## Courtyard of Dreams  While the suburbs lends itself to a few unique emotions -- continuity, endlessness, timelessness -- I wouldn't mind a port-side city with some barrel-checkers playing, grease-stained bags. I wouldn't mind having some urchins thread themselves through the crowd ...
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continuous
Websites don't begin and end. Nor months and years. \ It had a form before you knew its form. \ And when its form leaves it still persists here. Never an empty room. \ Never a new website. \ It concurrently chugs along. \ Maybe you'd ...
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contentless ⏳
Game Design: an entire discipline dedicated to selling illusions of progress, achievement, mastery and ultimately meaning. Content. There are a stack of old consoles in my closet. The last boot, if I recall correctly, was maybe...5 years ago, I suspect. I ...
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closing hours
## Closing Hours  Never bothered to beat the above game, and on a lark booted it up to try. Not sure if it'll be continued though. Sometimes the linearity feels nice to chug along but when there's something clogging the storyline ...
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do you want to play?
What games can we play with one another? Some high stakes games dominate many lives! I'm entertaining joining the game once more... not sure. Shall we play the language game? I can't play any games that have to do with food, so that ...
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Blake or Ramana? ⏳
# Blake or Ramana? Recently I came across a video using a metaphor about self-censoring: to "clog one's system" with discarded expression -- censor yourself enough and you'll just keel over from all of the things (best?) left unsaid. I've written enough random thoughts ...
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languageless
Language are the programming blocks to one's "self" which is endless and elusive and expensive. Most conversations are taking statements, splicing them, and with a remix "contributing" something even though the goals are obscured. Most share the vague goal of "happiness" or ...
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idea fishing
I was going to use this as an "idea posting" for those eager enough to share an idea. i.e. What do you want to do with this open forum of a moment of a sliver of a connection? But now I'm a little confused ...
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letting go
Of the few attempts I've made at letting things go (with various success) today it dawned. Letting go means **remembering there's nothing to "replace".** I keep kneejerk checking garbage online, pure garbage, sincere garbage, completely useless garbage information. Forums and the like. Why? Because there's this ...
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singleplayer
After finishing another anime episode, I thought about the psychological operation behind the messages. I mean you have to consider that most you consume has underlying consequences, intended outcomes. Why else would it all be aired anyway? We're in these games, may as well ...
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laughter
The activities shrink a bit more. And among those few left stands cozy *the `/activity` section*. Skimming some blogs, only to start laughing. Laughing, of all things! And the laugh found itself in the general demographic of neocities... or at least in the distribution ...
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interactivity as heuristic
While enjoying a leisurely night drive I popped on a couple dated pop songs, but I'll only reference this one below: There were a couple more to follow, but the pattern felt so plastic. Maybe I'm quick to trivialize the content! Nevertheless, every pop ...
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positron
From now on -- if I do update here again -- the words will only be uplifting. There will only be affirmatives. Only pleasant things. One unified perspective. Affirmatives are all one needs to express. The main thing worth understanding. Imagine a Venn-Diagram of pleasant ...
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Portal
# Portal This new writing style takes getting used to. It'll come in time. It's unique. It's common. Carry on! Well, onward today. Onward, onward! Onward... > [...] the kingdom of God is within [...]. > > -- Luke 17:21 Perhaps the secret is redefining it or ...
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Love
> Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. > > – Proverbs 18:21 KJV Love. Here's a small place that'll elicit that tricky vogue of Love. And that's too gooey for ...
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self destruct
This destructive part of me is voracious. It's neverending. And I am figuring out how to direct it. For you can keep on chasing the same items, blot all the paintings, let the freak flag run wild. But I just know it's a spiraling ...
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hope springs eternal
Hope springs eternal. It always does. It's [why I even made this site](/posts/open-ended.html). And today I forgot about hope springing eternal. But hope sprang again. To remember that all is forgiven, all can be anew, there is an infinite to our existence, hidden in all appearances ...
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noodle
Here's an amusing premise: why not wait a bit until a publish? So here I can write all I want and someday you will read this, but it did happen, it did. Radio silence. This feels more honest; since there's no longer an immediate ...
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bored (with meandering)
So the title reads. I guess boredom shows some sort of technical failure; the way this playthrough is going reminds you about something forgotten in world III. But when I think about it a bit more it's pretty clear why it is this way. I mean ...
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trust misuse
Let's be blunt! I don't need any topic to disguise it at all. But on second thought I don't think I'm capable of that anymore. Every word is layered and assessed as to whether it's worth leaving. I'm not sure what it's like ...
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familiar
While I still have it in mind, a thought I often entertain is the tree of decisions it'd take to unlock different worlds, new things, you. Could I write in a way that feels familiar? Do I seem like a lost friend? I wonder ...
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nothing
Another stint of little words, but from reading another I find myself freed rather than cursed. No use writing until the tool is whittled down to nothing. But while under this veil of silence there's an uptick in frantic searching -- as though once ...
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fall down
What's lovely about letters is how steady the hand may appear. But now we have impulsive publishing, text messaging, any entry revealing some shaking, some stifled breathing. Aha, maybe we're not so infallible! We both have a stairway we're walking up. I'm ...
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talk disillusioned
Sometimes I wouldn't mind having someone to talk to. But then I realize it's more like a mutual descent into nothingness. It's like taking flimsy sticks and hoping to build some sort of lighthouse out in these harsh island waters. Oh how much one ...
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driveby
I finished up writing something, feeling rather content -- sat out on the back porch for a bit, listen for cars -- and then I departed. Biked around. Before I left I read through [this article](https://damagemag.com/2022/04/21/the-internet-is-made-of-demons/) -- at first skimmed, but then a double trace. The ...
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exist
A perpetual mind wander gives many gifts but which ones do you want to open? Many DIY assemblies in store! I count at least three of them, and each tripled wrapped as though a hazard (and in some ways, may be). By gifts I ...
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spheres
Take a body and then switch it all out for a bunch of gumballs, varied colors, labeled with a bright highlight. Grab a couple, what do they say? > Anger. Satisfaction. Comfort. Insecure. Useless. Sarcasm. Vitriol. Celestial. Mutant. Hangover. Popped > veins. Vivacious. ...
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affection
Sliding down threads of propaganda we all got installed, destitute to defend. Among them: Affection. When you consider your personality to be on-and-off switches, do you think you could locate each surreptitious flick? What moment switched away any fondness, or perceptions of fragility which chugs ...
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lovemess
I keep walking in circles, I suppose. Love confuses, if not devastates, without some precaution. Even evoking the word guarantees some confusion. I mean, I know we can redefine words as we please. I'm not trying to hit a moving target. But the target ...
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follow up
Following the [stagnation felt](/posts/stagnant.html) I've cut out a lot of things that don't change much. For example, I used to go on forums. And I quit that for awhile before, but didn't excavate it entirely. Some would say that sharing these intents would make ...
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softness
Sometimes you get a skewed toolkit on how to deal with people. Those who no longer care once cared too much, I suppose. I know how to placate and I know how to word things in a restrained manner but lately I'm wondering ...
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boundaries
Maintaining this strange area comes with fragmentation. Some points of no return. Where's my Virgil? There are some words that, when written, crumple all the borders. It's that point where you say, "Ah, so I really would never link this to my real life ...
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extra steps ⏳
It seems like these titles and these loosely written associations are just extra steps from a smaller wish to share bits about my day. Not a day, but some thoughts. Or the thoughts to masquerade a day. The thoughts which make up a ...
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stagnant
A potent drift of stagnation swept me up for the last couple of days. But I'm not surprised. What I'm more surprised by is how often this stagnation comes by, and how it reveals why, and yet it happens again and again. [Amnesia](/posts/amnesia.html) as ...
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nosedive
Etched in each soul is a craving for destruction. This much is certain. And it's funny how it plays out, as long as one is unaware of it. I think the secret is to seek out pain because there's a high afterward: you get ...
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commence
There's our cyclone swallowing the middle of you. But it was always, wasn't it? It never was outside. For there's nothing more interesting than you. Your story maintains its cadence, and it burns so brightly that you've forgotten what a world of ...
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funposting
Funposting here because I'm procrastinating and don't want to go on any other sites anymore. May as well funpost here if I'm going to post at all. There's nothing preventing you from pretending this is in fact a random thread online and there's ...
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aisle ⏳
Of a few church visits one will usually find the back aisles all empty. So I took the third from the back, right along the main walkway. It was the type of church with a half-circle about it, and the rows form more of ...
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distorshades
Shades of a tree, shades of a leaf, shades of fragments making a personality in threes. Pumpernickel playtimes laced with realtime memory mods - drill in your eyes the latest and greatest, newcasters keeping it fresh. Cotton candy congo lines grabbing up wires and ...
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judge
Lately I find myself disgusted whenever I praise or criticize others. It's just not my place to praise or criticize others. And I don't want any either. I think the whole "Like" concept around the web is Pavlovian nonsense. The only validation you need ...
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hyperspeed
If I have to wave my wand around the thoughtform, the essence of what drives me, it would be something like a smokey bar with neon lights and harsh noise. Whatever concerns that once were the par-for-course just feel like delusions. It's all in ...
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talking to myself
If you ever had the pleasure of working through an addiction or two and three you'll, one day, look back and wonder why in the world would you ever inject such things. Just absolutely stumped. It doesn't make sense and the veins get all ...
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honeymoon
A father and son walk along the shore. A little overcast of a day, but light enough to see some sparkle in the waves. Are those dolphin or shark fins? Soaked sand poking out travel-worn rocks. Beige with bits of white and barnacle. ...
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candid
The more I expand the less certain I am of what I am. Living without an identity, or at least an amorphous one, does have its consequences. At this point I'm pretty sure we all can convince ourselves of anything. So I could certainly convince ...
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rusty
Leave writing alone long enough and it'll forget you when you want it back. And yet this ineptitude felt is ironically conducive toward _raw_ thought. Which is what matters. Sure, writing is a skill, yet what of skills? Look at the culinary world, and how ...
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chaos
[Waffling](/posts/h.html) back and forth constantly. Staring at the open door. For many years I've these stints of removing all the "extraneous" and the "dead ends" and make sure to tidy up for some semblance of a productive life. For the most part, these were fruitful ...
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anonymity
. ...
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found out
Recently was reading a mystic's account of their life, at least an overview. Four score or four years and more. When I finish the novel I'll leave it here. Who knows! But one thing struck me with as much surprise as the author. Upon ...
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spite
Spite is quite a powerful reserve when you find everything else all empty. Motivation, hope, smiles, anger, sadness, laughters, futures, others. When it's all empty there's this cold bunch of coal rightfully labeled "spite". And so spite is what drives me through this paved ...
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meant
A lot seems to have been never meant. Or I could flip it and say it meant everything. Even you reading this. In a way, you reading this does mean something, whether you like it or not :-) In prior months under different ...
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ends
What is the end of this? One is often advised to "sink into it" and maybe let the worries of the day be enough for trouble. Still... I am not sure what are the end paths, at least with this website. What does one ...
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impulse
Randomly I've urges to delete everything (again and again). Maybe it's an acknowledgement of futility. There's not necessarily anything to _extend_ towards. As much as this was meant to _extend_ it's more like a retraction. Receding deeper and deeper into a meal for one ...
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contradictions
In love with being alone, but also love people too. Why do I actively avoid them then? Well, past experiences, for one. It's rare to chat with anyone nowadays. And I'm not sure whether that's something to mourn or embrace. For now I'll embrace ...
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care
The reason you care about things is because you keep saying that you do. Sometimes those sayings are backed by identities and thus hard to let go of. So I'm not necessarily advocating to drop all cares unless you're on the eight-fold path. Maybe ...
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shadow
Having access to the shadow realm is tantamount for my existence. For anyone's existence. I think we all need a place to hide. To recoup. Reconsider. Assess and go forward. How I love being in the shadow. Such a tranquility. There's nothing like it. No ...
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invincible
A megalomaniac; a rather popular word. But, funny enough, it's only applied to fictional characters, villains. A pixel blip hit me funny today and I felt invincible; whatever the "I" is supposed to be. Where "I AM" is God. A messiah complex; but where do you ...
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over
As per usual with any sort of big declaration I still found myself whimpering a bit and browsing around each old place as a final goodbye (at least is how I would like to frame it). Made it through most of the places ...
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redirect
Lately it seems mourning comes across as foreign to me. Even with a ban on all things it's not as though one loses anything. It's quite easy to give up whatever. Give up on people, on media, on websites, all of it. It's ...
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longing
Amnesia is striking once more. The other day came with a bold declaration but some haphazard sleeping left me more confused than ever. I flipped through websites out of habit, but also out of longing. As much pain people have been the source of, ...
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crutches
Our mind is technically capable of producing an infinite number of worlds. With a drip of sleep you'll immediately see. Infinite worlds we construct, and we do every time we fall asleep. There's probably a leaky abstraction of the world right on us, right when ...
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kindness ⏳
What's it mean to you, that someone is kind? What's kindness to you? Most kind people leave me a little doubtful and I can't help find a little distasteful depending on the virtuoso spinning whatever flattery. How do people still fall for these ...
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dial tone
Imagine, for a moment, a hamster amusement park. Naturally you are shrunk down into hamster form, and so waddle around with the rest of the company through the chutes and escalators. The gravel is rather nice and it's relatively clean and there's even ...
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bravado
Sometimes I write out the title and forgot what there was even to say about it. Words are failing me lately, or I'm failing them. There's a failure at hand. What's the objective? None. All I know is that I am falling. The descent ...
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content-ive dissonance
Finding quality content takes more work than the enjoyment found therein. ...
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promise
When I hear the word "promise" I usually wrap it with "broken" but then wonder whose fault is that? It'd be nice to carry the promises in your heart as playing cards. Show which ones sustain you. Slide it right across the table and ...
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night
I'm not even sure if I want to put into words how much I love the night. Surely you find some love for sunsets too? Many make it out all melancholic but that's no fun. I will admit that the sunset is ...
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vampire
Vampires are the most human of all monsters out there, aren't they? And they're far more human than we're led to think. To a point where I wouldn't mind being one myself. There are some drawbacks -- as with all occupations. But the ...
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ache ⏳
I'm not sure where this longing comes from. With a lazy enough day it pops up as a drift through the open door and shreds you up enough to give up closing up. Glossing over whatever pixels. Left behind by yourself. Leaving ...
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nowhere
When you fade into the background long enough there's this lovely opportunity to see any strings around you severed. They're all severed. And you may not believe it, and you may want to tie them back on you, but just look at them ...
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doo doo doo
doo doo di doo du da doo doo doo di du da doo doo ...
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other
What's the 'other' you're looking for? What's the 'other' that's missing? As long as one keeps searching for that 'other' most people or things become rather unpleasant. For the unpleasantness extends from the self. It's no longer just passing by or being around; it's ...
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haphazard
This is just another whim, you could say. Just simply 'being' on this web-page. Whether I 'be' here tomorrow or several days after is of no matter. For the past week I was half-convinced it doesn't matter, and in fact could distract from ...
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is, so
A common conversational property often centers on what 'is' rather than what's to come, what to make of it, where to take it: this is the essence of dull. Lots of 'is' but no 'is, so...'. You can keep talking about what 'is' ...
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more
There's so much more to living. There are so many different ways of living. There are so many places in which one'll find themselves a different one altogether. Fresh, fresh. Why do we constantly settle for the same things when there's something so much ...
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sinister
Life seems rather to be a battery and a pendulum. Whatever fun you believe to be chasing comes crushing you down right after. Whatever feeling of belonging comes snatched right after. I'm not sure whether to keep pressing on the accelerator or acknowledge ...
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rejuvenate
Is existence difficult to sustain or do we just say that so we feel alive and justified? It's a tough dealing right now. It just feels like chaos all the time and you're hoping that somehow you get clear skies when it's really the ...
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sidelines
This could be considered a sideline post. And you could categorize it as a sideline read. And whatever sideline results that come aren't necessarily so sideline in value. It is precisely through the meandering that ones finds all which they've been looking for. Only through incidentals ...
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reverie
Civilization scrounging together rocks into bricks with bridges and rivers to ports. Goods to poor and chopped wood or debt and banks along cements with paper as plastic and arsenic in glasses! Motion without sound! Movement with construed meaning! A schedule unravels right ...
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replace
So many people in the world. So many! All convinced that they're in the center. Me included! But suspend that fact for awhile. Understand it in whole: 7 billion people purported to exist. Let's say it's a lie. We can go with something like... ...
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believed in war ⏳
A strange property about relationships or existence is how often one is condemned to watch another destroy themselves. I'm sure anyone reading knows a couple of addicts; I mean, many nations are comprised of them to snuff out whatever hurting reality they're running from. ...
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imaginary friends
Most innocuously and off-handedly they admit a prior friend may have been imaginary. More than once. You too? Many such cases. Each with a story and a quirk to match. A name! You could certainly shrug it all off. But don't you find ...
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restless
> Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord. Our heart is restless until > it finds rest in thee. Lately this set of words plays whenever I entertain that there's something more to the world today. Children of the Sun, why do you ...
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amnesia
Forgetfulness seems to be the primary mode of living. A collective amnesia. Conveniently sidestep what your heart actually cries out for. It doesn't cry out for another prescription. > Don't rock the boat, don't rock the boat! But the boat is on a straight ...
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open ended
Leave it open ended and it'll find a way to haunt you. Open ended is the essence of procrastination, isn't it? > Am I doing this... or am I not? Open ended is how a lot of lives unravel. > Why am ...
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obscure
It's quite reassuring and ultimately calming for this to be an obscure part of the web. Engagement comes with expectations. And such expectations may include some behavioral frameworks! So, without apology, this site will be gobbledygook. It may be a little purple in prose ...
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expanse
What do you see when you close your eyes? More often than not, all of the things you've ever known. But what of unknowns? So many out there. Little worlds waiting and waiting to open and merge as bubbles in a water dome. ...
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strange
Perhaps this is just another step along the river. Maybe it's something more. It's strange though. To want to express without anything to express. I guess it's a way to feel alive. Although there is so much out there today to feel alive ...
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audition
Why make a site? Content? Resonance? Missions? To play a part, I suppose. So here's the audition! ...
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welcome
Hello again. Or is this the beginning of a goodbye! Have a seat, have a seat. You certainly were never the type to wear a coat. A clever way to skip formalities. Well, yes, I am a little surprised you bothered to drop ...
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tragedy of love
The worst thing you can do to someone is to say they're okay. That they're doing fine. And they're great even, wonderful. That's the tragedy of existence, really, of any sort of love for others. Because if you zoom out the scope ...
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silent supporter
How often may one crave to be the centre! The commander, the hero. But there's something far more delightful about the silent supporters all around us. Nestled in our bosom of stars, so each child of the Sun wails for some solace. ...
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Hope to remember
Gave some thought why I write these posts out. Why bother? Although I could list off some noble causes, raise awareness, hope to save someone else from the brutal lessons one incurs... it's not any of that. Likewise I could delegate all of ...
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Videogames basically
# The Faceless Factory One of the games I spent several years on -- and rightfully so -- would be Team Fortress 2. Team Fortress 2, with how much time I spent on it, and its place in the videogame drug pipeline, leaves me ...
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Terminal
# Terminal Three images come to mind, reading "Terminal" unprompted. - Airports - Life-support - Computer Prompts Versatile word! But, despite its range, it'll always be accompanied by a morose curtain drawn. Never to stand on its own. Either lifelessly recorded in an instructional beginner's tech post ...
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Stretch
# Stretch Anything I publish online I usually regret. So much that I've deleted to recreate several times. Not to make this a confession, just a concession of my psyche. Who's to say this'll be enough. But when the paranoia monster doesn't ...
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Fork in the Road
# Fork in the Road I keep trying to find a redeemable path in using imageboards. Maybe it's alright to slack off a bit. Or is it? Sometimes slacking off translates into not clearing up what you want to do, and so we settle ...
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Scars
# Scars I like to think that we can heal our body and mind as though new. Maybe that takes out the consequences of living vile but maybe that's offset by the time spent getting there. Pressure makes the diamonds though maybe ...
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Processes
# Processes Though the proclaimed champions of our era enunciate out the importance of goals, I think the sad thing is that most of the time there's a misery being swept up. I remember watching a video about a guy talking about ...
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Phantom
# Phantom I am deeply sad. I find existence lonely, unfair, disappointing. But I also accept ignorance. Maybe I am somehow wrong—that sliver keeps me mildly on. I don't say these things out loud, because what does that accomplish? It doesn't take away ...
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Paranoia
# Paranoia My first foray into posting online was Facebook, I suppose. And I was (rightly) advised that what I was posting was weird. Who wants to read that? So I deleted it. Ever since then I don't have much confidence in ...
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Origin Story
# Origin Story Recently I finished _Do It Yourself!!_ which you could guess the plot of. Wholesome ending with a simple message though. And so while visiting the [last imageboard that I bother with](https://kind.moe) I then wondered how to fashion an imageboard differently, seeing ...
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Open Source Merits
# Opensourcing merits There are a few egregious steps between developing something and making it live. So much so that entire careers are siphoned into either spectrum, rarely unified, and perhaps why there aren't many "indie" apps online without some profit incentive lying underneath. Hosting ...
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Maze ⏳
# Maze I've never experienced a hedge maze. An artifact of the western states I would imagine. Usually of corn stalk, or pure leafy hedge for the devoted. Well, I've never walked one, but I would imagine it to be the same ...
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jittery
# Jittery Contradictions abound, I suppose. A tiredness that's restless. "Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord" may rattle in thine ear! Speaking so faintly nowadays. Mumbling, I know. Though this tiredness doesn't do its full job. I'm still here rendered and waiting ...
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Island-side living ⏳
# Island-side living I've lost the desire to share this website with others. It's hard to see the point. If you aren't selling something, then there's little reason to reach out. I can see how someone may genuinely believe that their words ...
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Indulgence
# Indulgence Using imageboards requires a cognitive dissonance or an ability to stay in the present, not think of consequences. But when you analyze the "transaction" it's just not worth it. A lot of transactions aren't worth it. > Why are you still here ...
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Fallow
# Fallow The first word that came to me was "fallow" of all things. Accompanied by what is appropriate to its definition: an image of burnt land, ashened and waiting for the next planting. So the fire rose, and I felt its flicker ...
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Entertainment
# Entertainment Entertainment is a scam, or at least the stuff I've been using to entertain myself lately. I'm coming to believe that fun-as-a-deliverable rarely exists, and if it does exist, it does not exist online. When I watch my youtube videos, or ...
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Echoes
. ...
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Content
Stockholm syndrome. That's what comes to mind when it comes to content. Is the love of it a wider commentary on the restricted lifestyle? ...
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Conflict
# Content platforms Here's how content platforms succeed and trick you into keep contributing. It's a three step process. ## Always have new content available. This is what kicks things off. Knowing that, as long as people visit again, there's at least SOMETHING. This ...
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Conflict
# Conflict Most interactions are a clash it seems. As though we want to all conveniently forget that. But every time there's always a bump in the road, a bump in ideals, and some lacerations you wouldn't ever know. If you're going to deal ...
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Dead Garden ⏳
Do you remember your last play-pretend game? Sporting superpowers and shooting cars to prevent your intel from getting snatched. The car seat cushioning was fuzzy, soft, and equipped with flexible enough seatbelts. When I got out of the car that day I didn't ...
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Belonging ⏳
It's strange to come across some commentary about [communities decomposing](https://bus-stop.net/) though maybe it's a part of an online campaign somewhere. Anyway, the central dilemma: you no longer belong now, right? Whether because you changed, or the fresh blood ruined how things ...
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birdsong ⏳
# Birdsong Why does the caged bird sing? One could draw it as a far-reaching ideal, a protest despite all chains --- though I'll decline that supposition. **The bird sings because it wants to.** Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing grand, nor too little neither. It sings ...
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Barren
# Barren By blocking all of these time-wasters I now don't have a lot to do other than work. Ideally work is some form of play, but it hasn't been lately. Maybe it will soon. I used to play videogames, and maybe that's the ...
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Interest Accessories ⏳
# Interests as Accessories It seems common to perceive interests as accessories. I know I'm guilty of it. How much better you'd be if you only knew X. Accessorize to get into clubs, form some buds, get some accolades. Get some respect. Get something ...
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abstinence
# Abstinence I am the frogman. And I will venture toward wherever this leads, this cavern waiting. It's not that I don't want to go into the cavern, nor am I purposefully avoiding it. It's akin to a midsize lake swim around until you ...
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Imageboard Analysis ⏳
# Why Imageboards? After reading through several replies on the main thread (thank you for your submissions), I will attempt to boil down all the "whys" into two reasons. In this essay we'll explore those reasons, and then explore the unintended consequences. ## Reasons First, ...
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love writing
I'm surprised to bother publishing all of this. But it's a tip toward what I seem to love. I love writing. I love words. And I love throwing them together. Letting it come alive. Believe, I'm well aware of how one may only write ...
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Worship
Seeing as our ancestors worshipped for thousands of years it's hard to shake off the residuals. We all tend to worship. And I don't need to go through a list of example worshipping, but I would gently point out celebrity worship. Still, I ...
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World [Without|Despite] Tragedy
A world [without]{.underline} tragedy. That's what you want, right? Maybe you've wished for a different life. Maybe you see those who clearly are better off compared to where you are. Maybe you hate them. Got sick of them. Maybe you got sick of ...
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Wavering
But for posterity's sake I want to write this venture off as a success. Thanks, neocities. ...
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A Walk
Lately I've been fascinated with presentation above all else. For we all manicure how we appear, endlessly, and yet never study the art. The manicure is systemized, the mask is stamped upon, the brain is wired proper and here you are reading. Shots of ...
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Warmth ⏳
There's a story of a nurse with a gentle aura. And we sat there dreading tomorrow, but she walked up and levelled out the dread with something sweeter --- something beyond. She'd ask if we'd be okay here. We gave the habitual yes, ...
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Voyeurism
Voyeurism is pleasure through peeking in on others' private moments. Some would call that perverted... but everyone does it all the time. Movies. Reality TV. It's all voyeurism; a camera serves exactly as the voyeurist's insert, and they watch in intimate detail everything ...
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Vortex
Lost something of myself somewhere along the timeline. And it's not due to any substances or thoughts like that. It's like there's a parasite in my head. And I adopt its practices. So I'll subsist off of random thoughts online to give it ...
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A vivid description
Using this post to chart out a vivid description I once came across. Time to be the adjunct descriptive teller. Can't promise it'll stay vivid --- let's see. It described stages in a life. And so in each stage of one's life you have ...
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Virtue
Was someone that grew up with no concept of discipline other than making sure people's expectations were exceeded. And so that got me pretty far down along the line. But one day I woke up completely empty and it's been about a couple ...
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Belief: Video Sucks
Sometimes I've people message me something from YouTube that *isn't* a song and I find it painful to watch through in order to respond. The *belief* here is that **video sucks for anything else other than entertainment as a consumer.** I thought to ...
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Don't Underestimate
Taking a catalogue of the countless years mulling over. Even now I do the same! Yet let's not remember the charred field. Let's remember the sunrise after a white flag. Maybe it hasn't raised yet, maybe it won't for awhile. While we wait in each ...
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Unrestrained
After almost a week of no online forums, the thing that I miss most is the unrestrained form. Just read randomly and write whatever you want. Holding out for serendipity. Yet that's the exact recipe for addiction, variable reward! Anyway, you can still ...
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Lemontoad
Within the land of flat-lined obelisks and lily-pads abound, Lemontoad shuffled from one pond to the next. Lemon wasn't sure why he started hopping. Maybe because everyone else is hopping too. Maybe because the lily he left was surrounded by naysayers and jabs which ...
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Time is a psyop
With enough revolutions around the Sun one forgets that's how years actually work. They're revolutions around the Sun. We're counting how many times we make the trip around the Sun. People may say it casually, but really chew on it. If the orbit of ...
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Taunted ⏳
Sometimes I just want to state the obvious because otherwise it doesn't feel so obvious anymore. One obvious fact no one can rebuke is that the *internet is **virtual***. Simple enough, right? But what are the *consequences*? More aptly, what are the consequences of you ...
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Suspended ⏳
Although I've learned of compassion and its open silence that all one can expect--- although I take advantage of this meager site to invite anyone along my thoughts--- although abandoning this site prior left me with two weeks of null, nothing more, and ...
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Stoned
While I sit about and flip through my memories, sometimes it seems I'm searching for when I get stoned. When I am within the center of the crowd and they pelt me until I plead all I did and thought was wrong. How ...
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A Crude Story
A traveler decided to visit the local monastery. He visited everything else, didn't find much, and had two days left before his next flight. Wistfully discontent, he loaded up the rental car and went. The roads turned from asphalt to gravel; the lights ...
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Sanity's Stairwell ⏳
There have been occurrences where I unravel and am met with dismay or concern and a suggestion to see a psychiatrist. But I understand why, and keep myself at bay. By no means unhinged, just willing to entertain *anything* at all with how ...
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singleplayer
Seeking some closure. An assertion. A line in the sand! And it all derives from a simple repeated pattern throughout everyday, every life, every reminder a trace of the essential quality of the *humane* which I've nothing but strong doubts now. **You are a ...
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Life's too short
Life's too short for shenanigans. There's a lot of shenanigans out there. It comes in ideology. It comes in relationships. It comes in lifestyles. It comes in preconceptions. More often than not, you're dealing with shenanigans. And life's too short for that. It really is ...
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Self-esteem
Growing up I was among the usual with the worst self-esteem and learned to hate myself, or just deny I existed. It got to the point where I knew how to silence my sneezes so no one could hear me. Try and ...
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Scout Mindset with Lisp
First, let me preface: Lisp is one of the most beautiful programming languages. It is the Latin of programming; the core from which many languages today are now derived. Yet one who appreciates Latin does it with a quiet grace, in a private study, ...
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Rewiring
Here's a thought I've been mulling over, which I'll paste directly here. > The only work that spiritually purifies is that which is done without > personal motives, without desire for fame or public recognition or > worldly greatness, without insistence on one's mental ...
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Rejuvenate
Each one of us houses a Slump now and then. So comes a lack of energy and other eccentricities for the home. Seasonal change unbolts the door, or [heavy winds make rubble out of wall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW23zyx28OQ). Such entrances seem to be, at best, a partial ...
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Square X
When you know about the grey zone and the secret sauce to getting out of it, what still causes regression? Came across a video with a doctor and he had the most straightforward reasons as to why people get addicted. It's not due to ...
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Death to 'Rationality'
A timeless quip states, *Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.* Let the word Lord signify the Great Beyond and all forces unknown to us, **not anything derived from books or religions**. Fear leads to wisdom. It's not immediately obvious how ...
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going nuclear failure
Although I stated I was going nuclear, not having some sort of thing to expunge thoughts and ideas onto really kills me. I don't consider this a failure necessarily, but it shows something. Something... ...
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Purple
**It's difficult to express yourself with writing.** In the art world, they have this concept called "symbol drawing" which they hope to beat out of every beginner. (I began looking into art but that's another story). It's where you draw your *internal representation* of ...
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Pure Stream
It is easy to believe that the self is unknowable. To accept a vague sense of helplessness as it shirks responsibility. After acceptance --- though you must subject yourself to swings of emotion, of people, of horrid realities --- you'll feel justified to ...
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Principle
Principle: A most important idea in your life. Principle derives from *principia* in Latin, which means first, foremost, leading, chief, or most necessary. > We asked people what the most important thing was to them. Very few > responded with principles. Most people responded with ...
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Power
Raise your head! You are not here to lead a comfortable life... Whatever comforts you're eyeing will drip into nothing. "Forever" is misleading and "never" is assuming too much. There's a spot on the mantle for you. They're waiting; they know your vacancy. Take out your ...
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Poisons
There's a lot of poison, all around you, all the time, and ingested casually without much comment. The most obvious one is alcohol. No need to extrapolate there. But there are other ones too, a little more hidden, a little more out of ...
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Passing by ⏳
Around 10:21pm I'd play this song in my empty studio, peering out from my 6th story view. Maybe go for a walk after. It usually took me until 1:13am to sleep, so what's left to do other than walk about or browse forums ...
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Checkpoints
In my other life exams were abundant and haunting. Some exams determined years (at least within the time-loop that is academia). One hour to mark a new timeline! Of course you would spend your all fixated on it and flipping through each question ...
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People are Painful
Some get ridiculed for not having a lot of friends. More often than not though, people are painful, **if you aren't careful with who you interact with!** I was painful to others in the past, I reckon. That's what I remind myself when I ...
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obeisance no longer ⏳
I've held a detached tone for a good while in the hopes of maintaining some sort of impartial persona, but that whittled away as the world dissolves around me in its marshmallow fish tank. For I'm not sure who I'm deferring to anymore. ...
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going nuclear
After an okay week of no forums and the like, I found myself replacing my scroll habits with other sites. So I've decided to block off most sites six days a week(?) including neocities. That's all really. This is a great lily pad to leap ...
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Not Designed to Last
Recently stumbled across [this phenomenon](https://jeffhuang.com/designed_to_last/) that many sites take on. Despite being someone who wants you to take on ideals, some ideals definitely nudge you toward non-confrontation of reality. I believe this ideal is one of them. The premise is well constructed. There's a frustration ...
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No Longer Human
Famous book. The quickest summary would be the breakdown of the individual against continual invasive forces that coincide with living. Of course it's a tragedy, but maybe the label is misplaced on what exactly is tragic. ...
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next
I'm not sure what's next... I remember when I made my first site though. It was crumpled, it was wonky, and it was `position: absolute;` yet absolutely lovely. And I made it for myself, no need to make it anything else! Now I default to ...
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Neighbor, Enemy, Friend ⏳
Although I ceremoniously stated that it is within my interest to help you along, to get you up to speed, to spin the wheel of minds and get somewhere, it is unfortunately a lot more nuanced than that. And I'm struggling right now ...
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A meeting of moods ⏳
Lately I've attached music to whatever musings written. Maybe I wanted to convey something between the lines with that attachment, but I think it's because of moods and how they meet. With how volatile most peoples' moods are, I am surprised we manage ...
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A Million Dollars
How much is your time worth? How much would I have to pay you to sit there and do nothing for an hour? A month? It seems like an absurd question and this post was originally going to be titled addiction or absorption or ...
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Metaweaver ⏳
Imagine piles of sand scattered about the shoreline of your mind. They're crumbles of worry, pain, incessant nagging and other ailments. And now introduce the waves, lapping at the shore, slowly whittling it all to nothing. The seagulls coo, the bubbles gorge upon ...
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Migrating codebase
It's getting to the point where the main page is too long, and to where I want to do more with this site. So I've created an account at [codeberg.org](# broken link) where I'll host the guts of this website. The codebase is located [here](# ...
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Love
**This entry is disjoint, as I would revisit it and consider it more.** This sloppiness I'm growing accustomed to is a mild concern, but maybe you'll permit this, seeing as this is pseudonymous. Even so, I know I do myself a disservice meandering, ...
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internal locus
After a couple of bike rides and aimless computer sessions I've been reminded about internal vs external locus of control. Internal is where you believe you control your circumstances, and external is the opposite. While one thinks they've an internal locus of control, external ...
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Lifeforce
Man can't sit alone quiet in a room because to live is to direct your attention, which could be more aptly labeled your life force. You become almost sick with energy if you keep still too long. There is nowhere else to flow ...
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Karamazov Quote
> "Listen! I took the case of children only to make my case clearer. Of > the other tears of humanity with which the earth is soaked from its > crust to its center, I will say nothing. I have narrowed my ...
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What isn't
My car didn't conk out today. It's what I usually think about when I'm on the road, or after it starts up. And although it first feels trite, every time I use my car I get a dot of gratitude with it. It is ...
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It Clicked ⏳
After writing up my previous entry on IMs, I wondered "how exactly did I give it up?" It's hard to leave. I guess that's how they keep you up in the wraps. I don't know, it's definitely a sacrilege feeling to just drop ...
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Inside-out
Here's another strong concept to always embrace lovingly: _that which you emit turns back on you_ if you aren't careful. I'll have to explore this further to conclude. It's still a bit concerning, although maybe not so accurate depending on what's expressed. Nevertheless, it's ...
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Imagination as Gateway
What do you see when you close your eyes? Some say darkness in jest, although there's a seriousness in-between the lines. It's a trifling matter anyway: to what advantage is there inhabiting that private world? But lately I think it means everything. With your ...
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A Poor Imitation ⏳
Although I proudly labeled my inhabitance as some flavor of asceticism, I must pump the brakes and admit what a poor imitation it is. It's taken me some unguided time and stale currents to reach my point today. Although I could, with some ...
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Social Hemorrhage
As I prepare for a visit from two lukewarm friends from a couple years ago I find myself wondering how I ended up this way. This way being... a comical futility. Comical in that I could stir myself out of it, but futile ...
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The Grey Zone
Although I've stopped my "net detox" there is one lingering conclusion. And it isn't exclusive to the net: a set of activities which I would deem **The Grey Zone.** Grey Zone activities are stimulating, yet numbing. Engaging, yet undemanding. I briefly touched on this ...
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glitch.com
Recently I stumbled upon [glitch.com](https://glitch.com) which I suppose you could call a 'competitor' to neocities. What's interesting about it though is that you have access to a mini server for every 'glitch' you create. You can host a fullstack application on there. Not just ...
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A Glimpse of Eternity
The other day I was biking, and I have my usual route. Along this route there's a segment of land. It used to be a playground, but all that's left is a long slab of concrete, where the basketball court used to ...
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ghosts in the shell ⏳
What is it about the clown archetype that almost commands a respect for the inner recesses of our humanity? Checkerboard floor, Derby for shoe, pale blue a setting. As the cello unfolds through the flicker --- it shakes you! All from a clown: ...
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Fragile ⏳
There are some artifacts that wind up so delicately constructed. It's a snowglobe with a thread sticking out that, once yanked, crumbles. A graveyard. I think that's all it is, whether or not you're in a graveyard. There are some artifacts that sincerely are ...
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Forests and Trees
For the past couple of days I've been praddling about ideals baked into programming. So I would mull over and over whether or not I'm making the right choice, whether or not I'm on the right path, whether or not I've found the ...
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Everyone's Neurotic!
For most my life I've *let myself* be afflicted with nonsense and ethical questions and swallowed my [spite whole](karamazov.html) into what is the memory complex of today. And I thought I was doomed. That I suffered some horrible karma from a past life. Hand ...
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Embrace, don't Escape!
Now that I've gone down almost a neo-Luddite path with this net detox stuff, coupled with a disdain for most social media --- especially imageboards --- it's natural to wonder, "Why in the world are you making another supposed imageboard/social?" It makes no sense ...
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Electric!
There's a flood of sparks every moment you move muscle. What a strange thought. To be [bio-electric.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Action_potential) And it doesn't stop there. Now you got a keyboard in hand too. A mouse and screen. Staring at black holes most of the time. Is it ...
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Dream
Embrace; tears of joy. > I should much wish, like the Indian Vishna, to float along an infinite > ocean cradled in the flower of the Lotus, and wake once in a million > years for a few minutes --- just to know ...
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Dissonance
I edited [two](stairway.html) [posts](courage.html) and think the reasoning is worth sharing. **We often mistake cynicism as wisdom.** Certainly I have for a long time. That if you can see through the seams all of the pain and futility most people get through each day ...
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Disconnected!
After a week of writing entries on this site, researching and avoiding all media, I felt pretty good. You could attribute the feeling to just having a clearer head, but this satisfaction welled up from an entirely different ordeal: **Independence.** Always so used to being ...
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Dippin' Dots
The power of brand names. What does it mean if a company summons sweet memories for you? Well I reckon it doesn't have to mean anything. But you come into this world --- you are strung along with celestials, ancestors transfer their blood ...
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Dead bodies
With age one usually holds a more restrained manner. And it works for professional environments and the like. It's a sign of internal strength at times. But I'm here to say that constant rigidity, social convention, or other forms of restraint make your ...
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Dare to Dream
Now I finally get why everyone loses their spirit as they grow older. It's because they dismissed the seemingly asinine advice, "Dare to Dream!" They instead let everyone else do the dreaming for them and wonder why they aren't alive anymore. If you're hooked in ...
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Unscripted Courage
The manic-pixie girl trope claws at this desire: a forceful existence that torches everything which *inhibits*. She embodies what many wish they could do or be. A free spirit, a lighter, kerosene. Envy transfigures into a love for what *seems* unreasonable. And unfortunately, Codifying ...
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Copying
To get a better handle on HTML/CSS/Design, what better way than to just copy other websites? The point of this is to intensely familiarize myself with layouts, the best way to achieve them, and the common patterns that arise. Websites that have a whole ...
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Closing the world
The extent of my world closes slightly more each day. And for some, they would characterize this as *deficient* or empty. Yet I think nature always brings all the necessary components. Transmutes the sacrifice of peerage for the unknown. Instead of seeing yourself barred ...
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Off The Cliff ⏳
[あのね、](https://youtu.be/F64yFFnZfkI) If you ever held the soft-bind of Catch-22, it displays a contorted red body. Left corner. I believe it to be a chalk outline of some crime scene. Still, a sun-dried tomato red with some butter mixed in, garlic for an outline. Plastic ...
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Change ⏳
Yeah, yeah, we have to resign ourselves to change. And we both went through the years, each day passes almost in tandem. But what boggles my mind is how little actually changes. It's the same machine! Binge watch many shows and stay the same. ...
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Catatonic!
The first step out of a stupor is to say there never was a stupor. And the second step is to make sure your reality supports that claim, through all means, either the machinations of your brain or keeping your fork at the ...
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Calm
Conservation of energy reigns over electricity, heat, and the like. What about emotion? Considering how we transmute the Sun's light, the selection of potential material leaves plenty possibility. So let's investigate the *emotive currents*, material of emotion. A popular adage is that alcohol steals ...
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Building Steam
In today's world we don't suffer from fulfilling desires, we suffer from *a lack of desire*. You have all the tools you want to create, but there's struggle of creation itself (at least in my case). With [our theory of emotion](/posts/pure-stream.html) and its consequences ...
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Broken Concrete ⏳
Lately I've been wondering why it's easier to avoid people. And why I keep hovering over the delete button to run away, even if this site steadies me (or is that a lie I feed myself to avoid larger things)? The last thing ...
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Bored!
For a class long ago I once wrote about boredom. A small essay, wasn't particularly worth much. In that essay I considered that **those who are bored aren't trying.** They're just not trying. With many actions and mode shifts one could swat away ...
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Books!
Never before were we able to write and distribute on a whim. Paper and ink used to be come to hard by; good luck reproducing it for others to take in. Mass reproduction only graced us [600 years ago,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johannes_Gutenberg) and for a good while ...
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Blocking Doesn't Work
At any moment I can open a new tab and go visit whatever and waste a lot of time. And I've done it all last week shamefully. Despite all of the add-ons, despite setting up my hosts file and whatever else, I still ...
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Biking!
Recently been enjoying bike rides! It's just the right pace. Not too slow to where you zone out, nor too fast to where you pass it by. Driving is boring because the routes are already defined. Walking gets boring because it's such a hassle ...
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Behind The Eyes
Although this was meant to be parchment for idle thought, I no longer aim to do that. What do I aim for? I'm still figuring that out. [Every tsunami was preceded by a deeply recessed shoreline.](https://www.sms-tsunami-warning.com/pages/tsunami-drawback) ...
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Basis
The excursions I've recently splintered out seem so simple in retrospect, don't they? What of friends and enemies, what of it all? Writing to you, striking deals, what is this, what is this? The only reason why I maintain this rigidity is because ...
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Astonishing
After writing my last two posts (on divorce, love, virtue) I wanted to write this small one. To point out what I'm finding more and more the case. I feel as though even discussing these subjects, there are so many DELUSIONS and LIES people ...
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An Experiment
Although aching to work with creativity, I've no outlets to do so. So, the experiment here is to freely express myself despite consequences. Will this sprout? Time will tell. What better way than to make a neocities site? [I just want to express myself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HORLJvUMs08) --- ...
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Alive ⏳
The voyeur I've come to be found itself reading [a journal](https://valleanenowe.neocities.org/journals/2021-ii.html) that's scattered with pictures and unusual-usual ventures into worlds known yet not often experienced. Unusual in how infrequent, but usual by its design. As I scrolled through I started to feel a mixture of ...
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Alexander
Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests, his great army, his sharp sword and all his ...
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価値
A couple staggered comments revealed my writings to be of use. But when I scroll through everything I made, I don't see the value. Value in the sense of things changing. Experiences gained. To be an actor in the world rather a playwright ...
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Additions On Love
Well, although I plan to no longer browse, I thought I would share my discoveries. That all of my aimless browsing wasn't for naught. I stumbled upon the r/divorce subreddit and couldn't stop reading of the heartbreaks. It was almost addictive looking through ...
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A Strange Epiphany ⏳
**GEEK OUT**\ *verb* - To enthuse about a narrow topic, not realizing that most people listening will fail to understand it. - To do geeky things; to act geeky; to speak of geeky things. The very reason I created this blog was because of unconscious ...
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anime: eighty six
Caught up on some series recently. Although I've consumed a lot of media, I never bothered to write reviews about them. Maybe once or twice. For a change of pace, I thought I'd review one of those series: [86](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/86_(novel_series)). Well, not to shill it ...