Well, although I plan to no longer browse, I thought I would share my discoveries. That all of my aimless browsing wasn’t for naught.
I stumbled upon the r/divorce subreddit and couldn’t stop reading of the heartbreaks. It was almost addictive looking through the absolute anguish these people are all going through. Painful. There’s also r/survivinginfidelity and r/deadbedrooms.
I feel as though just gesturing to these subreddits is enough to close my case on the delusion that is love or marriage, but let’s continue. ALL of these people found themselves deeply invested into this other person who completely, sometimes remorselessly, betrayed them. Literally destroyed any fiber of confidence in their deductive skills, reasoning, self-esteem, anything at all. Harrowing.
Furthermore, all of these people definitely thought to themselves, it couldn’t happen to me and yet it did. Yet it did. And people have the audacity to throw around the word love. If love had to be reserved, if it had to exist, then I would hope it would reward its most devout followers, these heartbroken ones in these subreddits. It sickens me. These people believed in it, they believed in it and it just absolutely destroyed them. How is that fair? How is it fair that the cheater just goes on with life, done deal, pristine and clever? Or to endure the slow burn of unwanting, unloved.
It’s not fair, and you know why this unfairness came about? It came about by believing in this vague strong force of love to begin with. It came about because the terms and conditions you signed up for were rigged from the start. The fire dies, so does the empathy, and then you have shells of people trying to salvage their idol worship of love. Some people marry again, only to divorce once more.
With these forums, you may say, you’re just looking at the bad, what about the good marriages? and frankly you’ll find two common themes. The first is that marriages that are borne from financial necessity cannot even entertain gratifying themselves while holding above water — if that’s a good to you then I don’t know. And second, I think it was Ayn Rand that said something along the lines of, Man is not loved for who he is, but for his achievements. which is probably why those other marriages are successful. Still, if success is measured by one’s ability to stay together, then that’s pretty depressing. Of course I’ve no basis, and sure, I’m sure there’s some sort of happy marriage out there, but frankly, if you look at the marriages that last 30 years, it’s not about happiness, it’s always about survival. How many ruined marriages have arisen from discovered infidelity after a happy 30 years. Go look for yourself for such stories, they’re there.
Praying to the altar of love doesn’t fix you. Marriage is a lie. In fact, I’m rather convinced that marriage in its ingenious design transformed itself from a good binding contract within communities to a little staple of a good job that will be tarnished at first bet. Because one can marry and divorce at will nowadays, it effectively means nothing and you’re just exposing additional risk. And you’ll protest and say but they won’t do that to me, yet it does happen. And it won’t fix you, and the apparent angels one finds in their friends, family, and spouses aren’t here to deliver you good news.
So that’s what I’ve been scrolling through for the last day or so. Reading stories of someone’s love-of-their-life betraying them, stealing their assets, and go on to the next. If that doesn’t sicken you to the point where you question the basis of love as a force then I’m not sure what would. Do keep in mind that they were so enamored as to MARRY, which is quite an ordeal and, in past customs, was supposed to be a marker for finding the one. Didn’t pane out so well.
So I accept that I am only valued for my achievements. What I can provide, be it exciting moments or money. That is the force of love and as soon as you’re a drag, as soon as you aren’t doing so hot, you’re done. What’s so depressing about that? We’re just being honest. It’s just honesty. Would you honestly drag around a lifeless sack for all of your life while they kept saying I love you in hopes you’ll keep them? How is that sane at all? It’s a liability to your survival and wellbeing. You get nothing out of it. In fact, there are stories where some people are deceived by this, and yet still face ruin.
For the biggest lie is this assumption that if someone currently loves you they’ll support you when you aren’t doing so hot. This delusion I think has destroyed people. I think I read a post where someone got into an accident or got sick and then was served with divorce papers. Just imagine that. I think someone was served with papers after dealing with cancer for too long, then it turns terminal. Imagine that.
If you think love is still something that is real, something beyond evidence of your social hierarchy, of your worth or something, then I sincerely wish you good luck. I just don’t think your goddess gives a damn about you, you’ll probably have to make it up yourself.
Does this mean the world is dead now, since there’s no love in it? Of course not. Love is just such a horrible word to use since it means everything and nothing. You can still appreciate the remains of the day and the moments you may share with someone. I would just suggest not deluding yourself, thinking that if there’s enough feeling it’ll somehow part the heavens and bless your bind for the rest of your life.
The key here isn’t to base your self-worth off of other people, or off of arbitrary constructs like relationships, marriages, it’s just all a hunk of nonsense. There’s no virtue in being sacrificial, and it shows right on display. No one cares how willing you are to do good, it only matters if you done it or not. And more often than not, with how horrible expectations have become, with how demanding people can be, more often than not, you’ve never done enough. And they’ll never see it. And there’s no point resenting that.
Naturally a question to ask here is what is my plan with such harrowing realities (your quotes) I bind myself to? I’m not sure, but I’m frankly not worried about it. Right now I’m honestly trying not to just detach from pain, but also pleasure. I look forward to the day where my heart remains unmoved. For that is the kingdom of heaven, probably.
Romance is a cancer upon the mind. As long as snap yourself back to reality occasionally, you’ll be fine. Otherwise divorce forums may be your future.