I was trying to convey with someone why I don’t like to have instant messaging and the likes.
And it was again a broader brushstroke of how it sucks to invest things that have no returns.
And yet here I am, wasting time on YouTube and neocities. Not to imply there’s a “better-or-worse” but precisely that it’s just the same thing, in a more “singleplayer” form.
An ideal about how you don’t want to be around “bad” influences–namely, those who play games and try to seek that fun.
Yet here I am, again, trying to seek that sort of “fun” in my own way, though I’d never call it fun, and with no one, and nothing more to it.
Here I was thinking I was better off not having any sort of social media profile or instant messenger, yet here I am doing the same things as always, just by myself.
I drove myself insane thinking about whether to “try” videogames again, knowing damn well they don’t do anything for me or for anyone.
Driving myself insane browsing the same forums, knowing damn well there’s no return there either.
Maintaining a website that has no purpose, no objective, a box of rants, a display of irony and sickness.
And in the backdrop of it all, probably maintaining a mild sneer at the thought of doing “more” or “being more” as though going to the Gym would be a type of salvation when it isn’t anything at all.
Who am I to say instant messengers and keeping contact online is a bad thing, when I am doing equally bad–if not worse–things online?
That there’s no higher objective playing video games, but there’s no real higher objective here listlessly browsing websites or meandering about programming forums which have nothing to do with anything at all.
I am deeply unsettled at how, in most relationships you’ll come across–unless you’re Faust himself–this constant need to consume stuff. Seeking novelty. Endlessly. Whatever it is! Am I the stupid one for not engaging in this stuff? Listening to the same stuff?
I am the stupid one for still going to the same forums and consuming braindead youtube stuff.
Who knows.
It is exactly because of all of the above that I avoid people, even past online people (unless under different contexts).
Even if this is exactly how I want to spend my time, there’s an uncomfortable itch about “meeting” anyone again or “speaking” again and filling in the years.
I think the tough thing about “starting” is sacrificing these pastimes. Pastimes that carry all the “minutes” within them, and you have to see all of those minutes burned into the aether.
And how you can’t delude yourself anymore this stuff does anything much for you at all.