Another one “landed”. Tiptoeing and perfectly interjected between the benign suggestions of another appetizer or switching the bar channel. I had the table in uproar for a solid two minutes; I was on fire that night.
Or so one would think and frame me, an onlooker’s report – though I must confess to you that I’m not sure why everyone laughs when I share things. There’s no reasoning nor timing, and I always insist upon this when my friend slaps my back about it. “I’ll never understand how you do it,” he said to me even after I explained to him I don’t know what I am doing and I’m not sure what’s so funny.
I said something like, “Why not both?” to the benign suggestions and somehow that’s the punchline. That’s what got them. When I inquired why that’s so funny my friend would suggest it’s my face doing all the work. The way I deliver it sounds like I’m threatening someone about and it kills them.
Readjusting my jumper and pretending to look through my pockets I tilted my face downward to not reveal how flustered I am. I thought I said it normally, but that’s what I thought a thousand times prior. Caught off guard every time.
And lately it feels like all the time. My reputation in the group has skyrocketed to an unsurmountable appeal and it seems like the infamy does all the work itself, to a point where if I don’t even reply that causes an uproar too. Just by them thinking I’m funny I get funnier to them, meanwhile I am not even sure where to put my hands while we’re at the table and that, of course, turned into another gag that I’m clearly doing. They think I’m pretending; I can no longer confidently say what’s real.
It’s not just jokes either. Somehow it’s something cool too – like the time I asked for directions from the store clerk and when I returned with the information they gave silent nods with eyes closed on how I handled it. “Rock solid yet again,” they’d say in unison and I’m not even sure what exactly took so much guts. “I mean, who casually goes up to someone and asks for directions?” and they all shook their heads more exaggeratedly. “After all, you can just use your phone, why didn’t you?” but they didn’t give me any time to answer and started laughing about it, “duh, of course you wouldn’t use your phone.” I got another slap on the back about it with a hearty chuckle too.
So I’m not sure what to do. Half the time I get a little nervous wondering if they’ll realize they donned a notoriety to someone that’s a fraud. I wait for the day they turn to me for my next “punchline” except they realize there never was a punchline, I do not have any jokes nor bravado, I am just trying to fit in because that’s what you’re supposed to do, I guess. You’re supposed to go to the bar on occasion, go to the movies or go to the bowling alley. You’re supposed to, right? When I asked my group about it, they started laughing again.
It’s gotten to the point where I am not sure if I am even capable of speech. The only few questions I’m able to ask without a laugh to follow are the extremely benign, like “how’s the weather” or something a little less dull. But I make sure not to draw too much attention to myself anyway lest I want to be discovered as the fraud and if I am discovered as such, I wouldn’t be sure what next to do.
I mean, why do I have to be a fraud when I am just acting as myself? If my unplanned comments or other idiosyncrasies are slotted as something a wise guy would do, some eccentric inclination they chalk up as a role, well, how can I move on? If this is what happened here, even if I move across the countries and start again I may incidentally build up yet another reputation that suffocates me. I just wanted to eat some fries.
After we went through the appetizer and up popped a commercial break, one suggested we go hit up the bowling alley. I said “I don’t know guys, don’t you think it’s getting a little late?” and they started another chuckle about it. I felt bad about the employees there, as sometimes we go past closing by a 15 minutes or so, and there was only an hour thirty left remaining.
After splitting the tab we started toward our destination and I was lagging a little behind wondering. I tried to imagine what exactly is the alternative to this anyway? And the more I racked my brains about it the more I realized that I didn’t really care.
“You gotta hurry up or you’ll miss the light!” they alerted me.
“That’s okay” I replied, and they started laughing.