Hello once more for this day. I thought to report what I’ve discovered since writing these entries.
I think I did find the suffering I was looking for. So, I think that’s good.
The conclusion was to isolate myself. I think the very prospect of “connecting” or having a “feed” of any sort, even Neocities, brings a type of aimlessness to me.
I can imagine a bunch of businessmen smoking cigars and laughing at me for reducing myself to this state. This state where I subsist off of internet feeds and internet forums because I’ve given up on doing anything else with this time. Given up on being comfortable by myself.
There’s an array of Christmas trees beginning each December. Families come and go, selecting whichever best for their living room, dining halls. Propping up tales they’ll want to embroider every evening.
Though I walk amongst them, I am not there. And whether I buy a tree or not doesn’t bring any sort of paper snowflakes to my doorstep.
Christmas lights seem so faint to me now.
Ultimately, I just think there’s a strange melancholy lurking any form of social media. The people aren’t real, you aren’t really with them.
You may believe you’re sitting beside them as you read through their lives, but it’s their life manicured in a certain way. You won’t access their inner thoughts. And since you’re reading them it’s likely they won’t divulge their illnesses or sicknesses too.
It’s a strange mixture of melancholy laced with pointlessness.
So I will declare that I won’t look at the neocities feed anymore, any social aspect of it, because I’ve learned its nature. I know how it makes me suffer. It isn’t anything novel. And once you suffer something, it’s smart to change your behavior: that’s the whole point.
The heartache of knowing someone only in ASCII is too much for me. I would rather have imaginary idols.
Will I open a contact through some other means? Well, it is thinking ahead. I guess it’s slightly unfair to barricade yourself away. I’m not sure.
Long ago I once left an email on my website. I think it did me more harm than good – and it will do you more harm than good too, by extension. Because getting to know someone intimately through ASCII doesn’t do you many favors either.
I think the point of “getting to know someone” is to add color to the life you already have. A few entries ago I did say having an online presence significantly devalues the people in your life today. It’s a melancholic situation. And someday you won’t see them again anytime soon. Maybe a lifetime.
So I’ll fully ward off the neocities social venues and comments or whatever else. And I’ll do both of us a service and not provide any other form of contact. It is much better this way, unless of course you want to be in my life somehow. But that’s a very unlikely scenario. I’m positive you have better people around in your life.
Will I continue to write? I think so. I just want to ward off this form of suffering so I can suffer another way through my thoughts.
You are welcome to suffer with me, follow along however you want. Maybe this entry will encourage you to seek different avenues. Maybe it will encourage you to isolate yourself too. Please don’t feel obligated to keep reading these entries. I think there’s an unwritten rule on neocities that you read the entries of those who read you – and I am breaking it. I won’t find any offense if you unfollow or fade away or anything else. Please, feel free to do as you see fit for yourself. I am just ASCII after all. I would recommend such changes, frankly. I mean, I’m pretty certain that any social aspect of neocities causes suffering, and I don’t want you to suffer, so take that as you will.
It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with you. The issue is that I really do want to be friends with you, but friends are incompatible with the internet. Actually, I would be bold to say friends are incompatible with Nature within this Modern World. I do not know how it works. I tried many times and it only causes both parties suffering – because I’m quite neurotic and there’s only so many magical pixel movements you create together, watch together, before you feel yourself as the roman statue.
I’m not sure if friendships are functional past a certain moment in life, frankly.
This all serves as caution toward whatever you do read here, I suppose.
In any case, I just want to ward off the inkling of hope or expectation that some outside event causes something interesting to happen.
The most interesting things that do happen come from you, always. At least, that’s what I find.