Most of my day has been a contemplation about Desire and maybe that there are tiers to Desire or something banal about that, all stirred up by my most grave sin: Sloth.
But it unveiled something more and I felt the need to jot it down before it escapes me.
The paradigm of our “lives of quiet desperation” felt around anyone you meet center around some simple desires:
Yet, in my case, when you ghost everyone you knew besides a select few and gave up on both (2) and (3) what is left to desire?
Maybe you’re supposed to have big dreams and you have to fulfill them, but instead I just see a folly of wanting anything more than the gratitude that you got some food today, you got some clothes today, you got some water too.
Still, I acknowledge that the above three points are a most generative locomotive for “love” if love is defined as something outside of yourself that you want to integrate into you.
The “quiet desperation” paradigm has worked for civilized man for centuries–the bulk of them–and I am no differently wired than anyone else. If I entertain it for a bit, I can see the appeal of having more status, having more resources, and having a loving wife.
But when I was much younger I despaired at the inherent unfairness of the world. It was centered on the arbitrary nature by which we choose our “significant others” over things that, for the most part, you don’t have as much control over. Sure one can increase their sexual market value and make more money, but the “love” that I would crave from anyone or anything isn’t so arbitrary. Who doesn’t want to entertain the delusions that you get was “only for you” and other whispers the Ego loves to make, but Nature isn’t in accordance with that all.
Essentially, at a young age I wrote off the possibility that a relationship would ever bring me that fulfilling lasting happiness I craved. It was hard to come to terms with. But most relationships have no deeper meaning at the end of it unless you try to attribute such meaning, which falls by the wayside if you analyze circumstances.
Whoever would select me could abstractly “care for me” the same way whoever is significant to you “cares about you” but human nature is far more sinister than that, and there are billions of us. Maybe one could make a romantic brushstroke about how, out of all the people you’ve met, you decided to be with them, but that just isn’t reality. Reality is that you get the best that is available to you, and that if there is someone better you can be sure you aren’t going to be selected. Relationships are always about what you can provide to people: the only people who could ever love you unconditionally would be your parents, but maybe this builds up this delusion that it could be found elsewhere.
There is no “love” to be found in things that can be taken away, because that’s anxiety gunpoint. You cannot find comfort in those outside of you. You can’t have a fruitful life if what you invest in as your “bedrock” is something that can be taken away from you because Nature will determine otherwise. Not only are relationships arbitrarily chosen–in most cases, for most lives–but they can arbitrarily end too over whimsical feeling changes and things like that.
You can extend this to the validation of those around as well as the burning want of “more” in life. In either case, these things can be taken away–furthermore, they can be quite arbitrary too. I know that no matter what nothing I can acquire beyond the bounty of a full stomach and a place to rest would grant me lasting satisfaction. Furthermore, the chase to acquire these things can often jeopardize and obscure the bounty of the simple pleasures we have constant access to. One very well may miss out on beauty of the day in this endless pursuit. Most status falls away as one gets older. Most items rot and don’t really reflect anything from you, but rather the amount of time you spent acquiring paper slips. And most people are emotionally whimsical: it is absurd to think they could be anything else and to rely on them for any emotional comfort.
So you have this paradigm of “quiet desperation” and it doesn’t work for me. How can I solve this problem of Sloth then, when I have nothing driving me to “achieve more”–when you no longer sport the delusion that, by achieving this, you will finally feel at rest. That you will finally be accepted, and loved, and have a place in world. What if you instead reject the whole notion, which many monks do take! And these monks are in bliss everyday, aren’t they? They are fully present in their lives, in their monastery, and love the fields of grass surrounding.
When you are no longer driven by this quiet desperation, no longer seeking comfort in the material world, in other people–giving up entirely on the idea of “love” paraded so often and yet so devastating, so inherently unfulfilling a premise with enough contemplation that it makes me nauseous–what is one to do?
I suppose one can realize that it’s okay to have Desires while still maintaining the simple bliss of not really wanting anything.
To where maybe one could frame it all as, “well I guess it’d be cool to check out some places in the world” while entirely comfortable that, if it doesn’t happen, then it doesn’t really matter anyway.
The seven deadly sins are framed within a Godly world, and you and I live in a dead one. I am with the notion that there are “those above us” but frankly I find it mildly distasteful that such beings would ever need our worship as lowly as we are. They don’t need anything from us, including worship, and they’re probably too hard for us to comprehend the type of conscious existence they lead. So I cannot channel my efforts into worshipping the non-material beings when all of Nature demands otherwise of us (self-reliance) as well as assume that they would ever need my attention or thought. I can only express love and gratitude for the peaceful moments and experiences I do get to experience, that they may play a part in but I would do this whether or not they “needed” worship because it’s important to appreciate what you have and put things in perspective otherwise you will be miserable. I may marvel at the thought of them, and probably their beauty, and maybe aspire to be like them, which could be an interesting premise that I will think about more deeply.
Anyway, the whole worship-argument gains more traction when you consider immortality and eternity–and how typical “love” is a differential between present moments–and that for these immortal beings, maybe emotion takes on a different meaning. And ultimately, we’re the dreamers/ones being dreamed, and in the same sense you don’t mourn the loss nor attention of your “imaginary” characters within your dreams, so the same may be said for “higher up in the chain”. Concepts of “conditional love” and “worship” only makes sense in a Human paradigm–the same “quiet desperation” paradigm in which we live.
So, I guess the next step is to try to want these things of the “quiet desperation” as “cherry-on-the-top” though deep down I am afraid that failure would probably be devastating. Those who are Sloth do have big Pride as well because there are a couple underlying assumptions in their actions:
One may choose the path of inaction for a noble cause, but it can also hide a more sinister cause that I am just trying to protect my ego from being damaged at the “failure” of not getting all of these material things everyone else desires.
Frankly I do not see the point in engaging with most of the things because the deeply unsatisfying backdrop is how it can be taken away from me, damage me, and stray me from the appreciation of what I have. I do not want to be put in a position where I demean or damage my position for the sake of these desires.
Ultimately, I think I have a big ego about “not playing the game anymore” but I think the game is rigged.
The true mark of evolution and indifference is indifference toward these what-ifs, and to just try it out anyway. Knowing the fatal flaws within, waiting for abandonment or being lost in the sauce, shouldn’t deter me because as long as one holds onto the basics, the essentials, the lovely simplicity, then that’s it, that’s all you can need and that’s it. It should be viewed as an amusing challenge, not the gateway to hell.
By the same token, I think deep down I am terrified of the potentials of chasing such things, and it deeply sickens me when I think about it. I do not want to kowtow to anyone, or endure legal battles or anything of the sort: you can say that I firmly believe, sadly, that hell is other people in most cases, and society is set up in a way to entangle you with these people. As long as one engages with society in this way, you have to bow down to it and go through the ways of it, instead of just removing yourself when desired.
I don’t know what I’ll do to solve my Sloth. It is appealing a thought of aspiring to be more like those above. The thing that’s “unlodging” itself in my brain is the realization that through this emulation, I will experience more bliss.
I acknowledge that, if I leave things as they are, I will probably experience some sort of devolution of my existence. Nature always demands growth or death, and a painful death is what awaits if I do not change things.
I think this painful death may be enough to motivate me to get “my act together” and form this all as an “imperative” rather than a desire.
Deep down I do not care if I find love, friends, status, money, or acknowledgement. Frankly I would be happy to be alone in the woods for the rest of my life, because that is true peace and the best thing in the world.
The thought of having to endure the insanities of others sickens me deeply, especially when it can’t be on my terms and that legalities could tangle my life brutally. I do not like the thought of others having power over me, but unfortunately that’s what happens when you start playing the “game” of “marriage”, “career”, and “community”. Everyday I am thankful I do not have to deal with people and they can deal with themselves and I love them for it. Let them play their games without me, but I will be a loving spectator!
We’re already in a decaying social-bond society, so the thought of having to submit to these “games” under less than favorable terms while the payout is marginal at best, makes little sense. Especially if you see through the facade of the three reasons stated at the beginning. No recognitions will make you happy, no expensive things will give lasting happiness, and no woman will ever make me feel comforted and happy over a long period. That’s the game, and any sort of delusion otherwise must be fended off if you hope to survive “the games”. Even if my point-of-view seems demented, maybe you can see a little bit how it doesn’t make sense when you already are happy with what you have.
But I am glad I typed this all out, because I finally found a motivation to “play some games” while still maintaining my gratitude: it is simply the “payment” I have to make in order to continue to enjoy my life, and I will make these “payments” gladly. Otherwise I will be “evicted” from the simple happy life I already have into one where Nature will destroy me for not “advancing”.
It’s funny in way: I will improve because I want to continue to appreciate what I already have, rather than believe that by “playing these games” I will finally feel okay.
One may wonder why one would want to live so coldly. It is only because Nature is cruel and cold and I will not be taken off-guard when its cruelties encourage my “developments”.
I think my inner love soars when I think about “evolving” just for the sake of it. Because only by committing to that will I be more secured that hardships and misery will befall me. It is the pathway to feeling more love, getting closer to our Creator and all that. I think about the non-material world and I think I deeply desire to see it. And the only way to do that is to commit to the virtues–even the ones that seem so murky to me, like Sloth–and maybe do a bit more thinking and reading about virtue. But I suppose the best way to reach the worlds beyond us is to emulate those who are beyond us, and to walk the path of those who went beyond us, like Enoch. Because I think the key here is that only through emulating these exalted ones will one continue their lasting happiness and love/peace.
Thanks for reading through my post, I hope you have a nice day and that you feel a deep love for something.