pendulum

Unfortunately I often think of the famous phrase of how existence is a pendulum between boredom and suffering. It’s unfortunate because it’s a pretty bitter conception, but beyond the idyllic days of 100%‘ing Guitar Hero I can’t necessarily fault it.

Anyway, I bring it up because this very post is a post riding the pendulum. That is, I know exactly what I need to do in order to avoid the pain segment to follow, but instead I’m doing the same as many are inclined to do: rebelling against one’s own.

I know the answers. You know what you have to do. But I am being a smug slacker and doing nothing, or the child and whining, because I’m not sure why life has to be this way. Why does it have to be a pendulum between pain and boredom?

There are a few answers I could provide, but no words can justify this reality. The reality is that I need to close this screen, preferably forever, and say a mental goodbye, preferably for a few years or more. The reality is that I need to stare at a wall until laughing in tears, the reality is that I need to stop breathing so shallowly. There is no other way out. And I write here hoping to avoid this sentencing. Hoping to make it anything else other than pain and boredom.

Because I genuinely disdain the whole “grindset” or “tough” stuff, because it’s a fundamental failure. If life is about constantly eating shit then why am I here?

Success in this life is enjoying it. That’s it. Anyone who copes by saying you have to suffer for a thousand days to have a chance for a 5 minute recognition, or numbers that don’t mean anything, people too, I mean, jeez, what is this? Are we fated to be masochists?

I can just keep repeating the answer because it stares at me all the time, but it doesn’t help because I’m a greedy man with little thoughts driving me insane.

Well, I admit defeat. There’s nothing. I’ll be a silent man with a smile driving me through hell, I guess.