I am deeply sad.
I find existence lonely, unfair, disappointing. But I also accept ignorance. Maybe I am somehow wrong—that sliver keeps me mildly on.
I don’t say these things out loud, because what does that accomplish? It doesn’t take away this responsibility to keep on living.
And disclosing these things doesn’t change anything.
Still, I have a hard time believing there’s any good on the horizon anytime soon. It’s not like I can check out. And I somehow could be wrong, I suppose.
I write these things here because it’s not like I have anyone I would want to share these feelings or thoughts with.
I’m used to not mattering in that sense; even if I did it is not like disclosing these thoughts would accomplish anything.
How much you matter isn’t measured by the others you interact with; that is something you alone determine. Some days I am reminded of my termination date and the futility in most tasks; the feigned collective hurrah sways me some days; other days I am reminded nothing is new and nothing seriously important gets accomplished—again, my fault. Then one could debate what is important anyway.
Anyway, discarding all the above, by most metrics one could consider me a phantom. Hence the title.
I wonder what it’d be like to be able to float around. No need to feed yourself. No need to talk to others because they can’t see you.
How long until the roaming gets old?
Someone more emotionally inclined would argue that these feelings are what matter the most. They are the crux of existence. One very much would find it absurd to put it above anything else.
I guess that’s what a lot of people are harvesting through entertainment.
I don’t know, I don’t think it changes the objective. I guess the objective is to somehow find a way to live in an agreeable fashion that is the least taxing.
In that sense, boy do I feel like a failure.
I don’t like the visions that pop in my head. I don’t know who I’m talking to.
Life is cruel. At least I am not being tortured.
I wish I was stronger.
Let the weak say, I am strong.
I am stronger. For what?