Growing up I was among the usual with the worst self-esteem and learned to hate myself, or just deny I existed. It got to the point where I knew how to silence my sneezes so no one could hear me. Try and beat that!
Realistically I had nothing to hate myself with, necessarily, or maybe when I got older I could notice some of my .defects. whatever those may be. Near the end of highschool I just remember feeling the absolute worst because the incandescence of youth was fading out and now I have to face the abyss without the excuse of .it’s not my time yet. but it was by then, wasn’t it?
In another vein though I couldn’t find anything to base my self-esteem off of. Although I had great grades, although I did all the work, and although I was relatively clean, I just couldn’t find any self-esteem in that. Usually people felt good by being high in the social order, and I just couldn’t care about that. Or maybe people wanted more praise, and I hated that stuff too. And then some think if you get enough money you’re a high-roller and sure, maybe you are, but I think you can make a lot of money in a lot of stupid ways and still feel horrible. (You could whisper to me, .you’re coping. and that’s fine too).
For awhile I tried the monk trend where you vanquish all material things and just accept your lot in life, because that’s wisdom. Whether I was the king of the highlands or a bottom feeder I was still marching to death. Yet as of today, even though I deny fame or wealth and other vice (at times) I am still gurgling right at sea level waiting for the world to slip out from underneath me and no longer would any moon-glow keep me feeling alright.
For another while I tried my best at maintaining relationships that were ultimately pointless because at least that is how I could get through the day — and so maybe I proxied my ability to deal with people as a source of self-esteem, or that I at least belonged somewhere, but I felt so sad and sick about it, never really felt all the good about myself and that’s because relationships for the sake of relationships will kill you softly. Pointless people slowly stick their issues into you and now you’ve came out of it with more insecurities, cynicism and tried and true .wisdom. of avoiding it all.
The same things the devil was whispering to me, clinging me to this ethereal existence, happens to be the same things anyone needs anytime and maybe I was hoping to think my way out of it [but I couldn’t.]{.underline} I could be the funniest one on the block but talk enough and you feel crooked, like taking a script and reading it sideways for a new ending that invariably wouldn’t come. I could remind myself of the pointlessness in most things and yet if it was so pointless then what is my why to move forward with? Know enough people and you wonder how they ever thought you were worth the time to hang out with. The devil was right, the younger me was right, and maybe there are some things I could list but it’s not enough. The monks must be disappointed. [You’re here to play in this illusion.]{.underline}
The word of the day is ACCOMPLISHMENT. That’s what has been on my hot plate for several years and yet I never bothered to do anything about it! Although some would call me accomplished I am still in last place on my scoreboard. ACCOMPLISHMENT! It’s simple! To be competent in things you think are cool. To make something you feel is right and real. To try your best.
How rare to try your best, or claim you never had, because it’s more comfortable sitting down in a realm of possibilities than to hit the start line and prepare to fail. To no longer lie with that .I could do it if I try. if one actually started.
Although I did all of the conventional accomplishments I was empty. I don’t know. Swallow enough nihilism and nonsense and you’ll find yourself shrinking down, below mediocrity, a bit above walking death, even if people look at you as though you did it all. Sure, I may have gotten a good job but it meant nothing to me.
To those that are more accomplished, they may tell it’s all the same ruckus and that it’s nothing at all, but I believed I mostly tried everything else. Maybe some more meditation would be smart. And maybe a better mindset, certainly (which I’ve been working on with this site, so I think it pays off incrementally).
But I am here and being captain obvious and admitting that [a good part of self-esteem is sourced in difficult things you’ve overcame]{.underline}; and we don’t need to worry about the ego right now if it’s suffocating us. How else are you going to pass the time anyway when you kill that ego?
Competency is needed if you play the money game, the life game, the social games, anything really. I mean, even retreating from society to reach your enlightenment is an accomplishment with competence, because you’d have to learn how to function without money or people. Which mountain would you choose?
Maybe the word is just doing something that’s WORTHWHILE. Even up to today I’ve been working on conventional accomplishments, like HEALTH, or MINDSET, or MARKETABLE SKILLS (for the end rather than the journey) — and yes, I’ve made progress but still yet straddled under my checkerboard, deigned the king and waiting for all the pawns to die until it’s my turn. Although the above accomplishments prepare me, it’s not the main quest.
It’s just almost comical how this has been pending for years and the gravity of the situation only hit today.
I’m of the opinion that if you don’t accomplish things, then you’re floating way too close to death. So I’m going to treat this as a life or death task. Because it really is. If you ever wonder why you feel horrible, it’s probably because you feel worthless. And the only way out of that is to do worthwhile things in your blip of life while you’re here. To remember you’re alive.