I remember writing about how it’s precisely in the meaninglessness that serves as a challenge. Even though we can all be starkly aware how these roads go nowhere.
There’s something critically different about our days here and days long ago. Maybe we could label it as “buy in” or something like that. We have all of these channels to talk, but it doesn’t result in much. Even these words are an exercise in pointlessness – silence better serves that end.
Well, I confess I failed anyway. I was going to make a YouTube channel and my first video was going to be about instead of writing on here I’d make some shabby videos for a change a pace. But I must confess: writing here darkly is no match for writing a good video script.
I revised it at least ten times, re-recorded just as much, spanning several hours over a few days. With stints on how one even chooses the video and audio tracks, copyright claims and other things.
In its current form the script reads okay and the audio sounds fine, but when you revise it so much after awhile you even wonder if it’s a video worth doing. It’s not a topic I’m that particularly passionate about. The points I decided to make I’m not even sure I want to make. Some of it sounds so heavy. And other times it sounds like it’s missing much context. Maybe it all results from an ability to speak out loud for once, instead of a confinement in words.
Ultimately you could say it’s just the growing pains of a different medium. Beyond those growing pains, is it even worth persisting this online identity onto another social platform?
There’s a lot of open questions and confusions. I can offer at least a mild certainty: as the days pass I still wouldn’t mind getting better at editing videos even though I am lugging along my first one, which I may scrap.
The beauty of writing darkly is you can be as dispassionate about the topic and choice of words. It’s cheap to write, essentially. Writing good costs more, but there’s always a spare enough paper around for the recluse of whatever night.
In any case, writing a script is hard. And even when you write the script, it’s hard to say if it’ll even be a good video. And even if it is a good video, it’s hard to say what “good” even means in that context.
Is it good in relation to the amount of view? Is it good in relation to how satisfying it was to make? Is it good in some sort of public service manner? Or is it good because it at least exists?
I don’t have the answers honestly. There’s a lot of entertainment out there, so there’s no point thinking about those sort of things. In fact, if you ever research video production that type of “good” – the money one – infects it all. I sunk into a despair a few times while researching and I didn’t understand until I realized what first started as a different place to express oneself turned into a dinosaur suit jumping hoola-hoops in a hope to “solve” YouTube.
Anyway, I’m not sure whether to keep on going or scrap the video altogether. I finally was able to get to the part where I can gather clips but I’m not that much in love with the script still.
The idea was to take this weird inclination to write on here, and instead make scripts and videos out of them. But now I see that may be a bit naive, depending.
One piece of advice you see while sleuthing about is finding your “niche” and that one really was a gut punch. I’m not sure if there’s anything that interesting to make a niche out of.
So why title this “avoiding sleep”? Because it’s funny – a desperation to figure out what’s “next” beyond neocities, when everything can be solved just by going to bed.
The more sleep deprived I get the more I slip up and write a lot of “I”s even though in retrospect – almost always – when you use enough “I”s you’re on the path to hell.
But I think a college friend texted me again. I ghosted everyone for awhile now. What do I even say, or why even talk? Why even make a video?
I remember writing about how it’s precisely in the meaninglessness that serves as a challenge. Within that meaninglessness, I wish there was some sort of inclination. A finality: a certainty to say, “yes let’s take it that way” and that’ll be fine.
In the meaninglessness, anything is up for games. All is permitted under the corpse of our father.
There are so many roles to play, sometimes it’s easier to not choose a role at all.