Lately I’ve been trying to disable any sort of prefrontal cortex impositions.
Sometimes when it shuts off long enough, something else takes the reigns. All of a sudden this body was cleaning up my room, organizing and fully lost in some work for the day.
I guess temptation is what’s left when you still let yourself stay in “control” whatever control you’re sporting. Some may write it off as all cowardly: Fate? Puh! Take responsibility!
But I think it’s destiny to accept and then let go. Accept the sickly self that phases in and out of writing this, and maybe hope that something else takes over.
Because when that something else takes over, then you’d figure the writing renders itself all necessary too. Or unnecessary. Maybe that’s why I’ve not been so inclined to write anything.
Flipping through the archive, the other thing in this body must be a little perturbed. Perhaps it’d chuckle; perhaps it’s waiting for me to return to my rightly position as a mere observer in its orchestrations. Give up pretending I’m holding the conductor’s baton. It’s more plastic and I flutter around my coat-tails in a child-frame next to its foreboding presence.
In the tundra it probably makes itself more known. However the cadence of your breathing changes – restricted tears until we reach town again. Though could you ever see yourself settling there?
Recently I learned a phrase: 似水流年。
A rough translation would be “Like Water Flowing Years”. In English it’d be better rendered as “How Time Flies”.
But the imagery of water flowing really captures the transience. When I think of birds flying it’s more about its rapidity.
No man steps in the same river twice.
It’d be nice to be reminded of that in one’s home language, rather than subject oneself to a chained linearity.
When you switch the lens that way, you realize how absurd it is to be so bashful about anything on here.
I mean, I partly want to stop writing here because I don’t know if it really helps. Also because I am afraid of hurting others.
But if that other thing in this body could take the reigns, then it’d teach things like how you can’t prevent hurting others. If you are not the wall which they slam into, so it’ll be another.
We will always love the men and women who knew strength and smiling despite such mishaps. Something like that.
Another reason why I don’t publish anything in this archive anymore is because I don’t want to associate with it. A lot of it is needless brooding and that’s no way to give up the reigns.
“Turn on, tune in, drop out.”
Too bad drugs were never my forte.
Looking forward to resting in our shared eternity.