How to Speedrun Life
Now, before we begin, what does it mean to waste a life?
Anyone vaguely familiar with Kierkegaard’s regrets or Schopenhauer’s pendulum between pain and boredom would surely suggest that such an existence isn’t something to waste, but to get through.
Could one hope for better circumstances? Reading through the Kybalion so suggests that you can “elevate” your pendulum shifts, perhaps instead between delight and boredom.
This isn’t the objective of this video, but something for you to think about.
Our focus here is how to speedrun through life. To enter the warpzone with everyone else. Many are speedrunning even now, watching this video. Just look at the chat and comments.
To begin, you must not wake up earlier than 9 a.m. If you can afford to sleep until 11 a.m., or even past the afternoon, you have already deleted half of the day where you’ll find the most agency. In some ways you already got this in the bag. Just by this tactic alone you will lock in your speedrun to a pretty good pace.
You can introduce some tech and immediately check all socials on waking. But you don’t have to. The real difference between the casuals and professional speedrunners comes down to food.
There’s a lot in this skill tree. You can order out some food, go make some food, or think about more food to eat while you’re already eating. Professionals already have ten snacks lined up, a couple of videos queued, and even equipped a mental spreadsheet on what to order for each “big” meal of the day. You can train yourself to make it four big meals, or just make sure to always have dessert.
Just by sleeping in and particular eating habits — of course, while scrolling around all the time on every social between each meal — then you’re pretty high caliber already.
Now, to really lock in, you can introduce some vices. Depending on how fried your dopamine receptors are, an easy win here is any video game. If that isn’t working, then bingewatching a series can be subbed out. Still, you can easily sink thousands of hours if you choose the right video game. Make sure to always have DMs going inbetween boss battles or Netflix episode transitions so you don’t even have to think during loading screens.
If you cannot even remember what you did two weeks ago, you’re now in the warp zone, congrats. But if you feel a need for even more speed, then just triple the vices. It could be gambling, or alcoholism, arguing with randoms online, shopping. To be honest, I fear these immortals. If you ever do chance upon them, they’re processing reality so quickly and vaguely you can feel them staring through your soul.
Yet these immortals are no match for those who keep up with the news. The level of trance and blinders required is unmatched. Every week something explosive happens, only for the next week, and the next week, and the next week, and the next week, and OH WW3 is right around the corner and next week. And yet it is so dull all the time: these budding celestial beings make it interesting for themselves through sheer pattern recognition and puzzlemoving. Be wary of those who casually drop five higher realm theories on you when, on the off chance, you mention something about a spy balloon. Fringe internet theses can K.O. you for at least four years if you aren’t careful.
Well, I hope this video helped you figured out how to swan dive through your existence. Be sure to give a like. I’m not even sure if you should subscribe because I’m not sure if there’s another video; if there is it may take a few warp years to make.
See you in the wired.
I recorded the audio for this script and then thought it was too boring and morose to make into a video.
Whenever I try to transfer these random scribbles into videos it makes me realize the only reason why I write is because it’s so accessible.
More importantly, I feel like videos are meant for sharing something hopeful/relatable or sublime.